Joe Manganiello

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN'T with him for wearing a guido's funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don't want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, "Take all them panties off, mister!" That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes' clothes. Somebody has to.

I've already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you're going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

Radar said last week that the Willis Daughters were sprouting eyes of worry over their mom Demi Moore possibly falling off the wagon and spending her nights huffing spray paint fumes out of a paper bag in front of a 7-Eleven with a bunch of skater boys (or whatever kind of suburban teen bad shit Demi gets into nowadays). But even if Demi stumbles while climbing the steps to sobriety, at least she'll fall cougar pussy-first onto Joe ManJello's wolf dick. That's if you believe Heat Magazine (via The Daily Mail).

Some source type says that at the after-party for That's My Boy (or as everyone who sees that shit calls it, "Why didn't I just let a 45-year-old frat boy fart up my nostrils. It would've been a more pleasant experience.") earlier this month, 35-year-old Joe and 49-year-old Demi hung out together and had amazing chemistry, whatever the hell that means:

"They looked amazing together. Demi was getting a lot more attention than a lot of the younger girls in the room, and Joe was seen waiting for her before they went off and hung out together at the party. They had amazing chemistry.

Demi has finally got her groove back - and it's all thanks to meeting Joe. She's feeling confident again and, more importantly, sexy."

I'm guessing by "had amazing chemistry," the source means that Joe ManJello sat there feeling scared and uncomfortable while Demi Moore tried to seduce his peen with her piping hot "funky chicken having a seizure while butt birthing an egg" moves.

I know, that story sounds like a non-story and for my no-no's sake I hope it is. How can I fap to Joe ManJello knowing that he's licking the douche dust left by Ashton Kutcher off of Demi's cougar cooch? Okay, I still can, but I don't want to.

The MTV Movie Awards was an unnecessary pile of useless dingles, but it was still the best thing MTV has aired in years and that's because during the Twatlight and Hunger Games appreciation ceremony, chronic panty cream-inducer Joe ManJello came out as Big Dick Richie, his character from Magic Mike, to give the "Most Transformed" award to Elizabeth Banks for wearing a pink wig in THG.

Never mind that Joe ManJello basically called your vagina and my no-no hole an ax wound (that's what my doctor calls it, so I'm used to it) by wielding a giant ax around like it was his dick, why did Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum stay on the stage when he came out? How can one fully fap to Joe ManJello when Matthew's T-Rex arms and Channing Tatum are in the same shot? I can't focus on Joe when I'm too busy wondering why Channing Tatum is starting to look like a bloated 35-year-old high school gym teacher who always drunkenly cries about how he had to turn down an invitation to the NFL tryouts because his girlfriend got knocked up.

And is it wrong of me to secretly wish that Joe ManJello's film and TV career dries up so that he has to start doing hardcore gay porn to pay his gym membership and protein shake bills? I mean, with cum gutters like those.....

If a movie poster doesn't look like it should be printed on 3x4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky's on Santa Monica Blvd., we don't need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here's the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I'm hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom's favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you're in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).

And here's some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men's Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a "replace tire with muscle bottom" tool in Photoshop.

And here I was thinking that the mythical ripped stallions of pure beef from the magical land of the International Male catalog were not real creatures that existed in life, but then Joe Mangliaonowhatevernamesarecheap proves me wrong once again by bringing out his He-Man doll body in Hawaii yesterday. You know, normally I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute, but staring at Joe's steel cum gutters... Oh, who the hell am I trying to fool with this "I prefer" shit. I prefer anything that doesn't suddenly remember he has a kidney stone to pass when he grabs onto my lonjas before making the love.