Because Phoebe Price was already booked for the opening of an Arby's in the Santa Clarita Valley (I made that up), GLAAD hired Rumer Willis to be the resident seat filler at their Media Awards in Los Angeles last night. Wearing a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag polyester weave and serving up an eyebrow situation that'll make all the other taters in the garden salivate through their eyes with jealousy, Rumer hit the carpet and let everyone know that you don't need talent to get bitches to take your picture. You just need to come out of the right vagina.
When Tater Head sees these pictures of herself last night, she should chin who ever is responsible for painting her mug up like that. It looks like they just blew white flour in her face and called it a day. Bitch looks like uncooked potatoes au gratin. But you know, I can't fully hate on Rumer, because she's got a semi-hot piece at her side and last night I fell asleep between a body pillow and my farting chihuahua.
Here's some other hos at last night's GLAAD Media Awards: Tater with her piece Jayson Blair, Sara Gilbert, an understated Brad Goreski, Chaz Bono, the Evans brothers, Elle Fanning, Blue Ivy Carter's weekday babysitter, Kiki Dunst, Steven Tyler with a perm, Naya Rivera, the Noxzema Girl with McSteamy, Wilson Cruz, Beth Ditto with her girlfriend, Trevor Donovan assuming the position, Matt Dallas and Unique from Glee.
I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, "I sucked other men's cocks," in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.
At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor's Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn't believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!
Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.
That necklace just doesn't shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that's because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That's probably the real case.
Kristen Stewart wore this to a screening of On the Road in NYC in December and my first reaction is best expressed through Brit Brit's side-eye/head turn/barf face (which is the same face she makes whenever Daddy Spears has to use store brand cheese instead of Velveeta in his signature grits):
For once, Kristen Stewart has a really good reason for looking like someone just farted in her bong and smoked up her stash right in front of her. That mess on KStew's body might work as a beach cover-up on Annette Funicello in the 60s, but it is not working on KStew. I mean, I love see-through, I love neon jizz splatters, I love grandma's girdle panties and I love primetime hooker shoes from the 80s, but I don't like them together and I really don't like them together on KStew. That shit looks like melted dot candy. It's a Rorschach test made with puffy paint.
Well, but at least Kristen Dunst learned that if she ever wants to look hot, she just has to stand next to KStew wearing this mess.
Why don't you let that headline marinate deep within the crevices of your brain before we really get into it. By that I mean, keep a cup of bleach nearby, because you will want to cleanse the sucio thoughts from your brain by pouring Clorox directly into your ear before shaking your head around. I think the exact medical term is called brain gargling.
I see Kristen Stewart wiped off the scarlet A (short for A Sparkle-Hating Slut Whore Skank Harlot Slow-Faced Puta Trampire) the crazed Twihards scribbled on her forehead when she was passed out in a weed-induced coma of woe. KStew's handlers flea dipped her, shoved her into a dress and told her to put on a damage control smile before they pushed her out onto the
red carpet brick pathway to pose with Kiki Dunst and Garrett Hedlund at the TIFF premiere of On The Road. I know, you almost didn't recognize KStew without Rupert Sanders' face all up in her box. KStew rarely ever uses the lazy muscles in her face to crack a smile and now I know why. Because when ho smiles, she looks like she's about to save Esmerelda from Frollo.
And wrap your fingers around a cup of bleach, because we're getting into the fuckery behind that headline now. British Vogue's Christa D'Souza interviewed KStew (click here for scans of that mess of an interview) a month before the pictures of her farting into Rupert's crotch came out. A week after the interview, Christa ran into KStew at some event and had to keep the laughs from pouring out of her nostrils when KStew drooled out this line (via ONTD & iSubscribe):
"My God, I'm so in love with my boyfriend. I wish he were here now. I think I want to have his babies. I love the way he smells. And him me. Like, he loves to lick under my armpits."
Either bitch was stoned as hell or she's being sarcastic or a little of both. Whatever the case may be, I still didn't need the image of a dude slurping up KStew's pit syrup. Since KStew barely spends time in a shower, you know licking her pits is like munching on a hobo's musty ass in the middle of a wet sauna. Like giving head to a wet fart. Just several layers of sweaty NO all on your tongue. I just want to rub a deodorant stick all over that quote to get the stank out. So fuck KStew for giving me that image, because I really didn't need that today.
But since KStew had to go there, she needs to specify which boyfriend she was talking about. Because I need to know if RPattz's new nickname is Pit Licker Pattinson or is Rupert Sanders' new nickname Rupit Licker? Please clarify, you dirty bitch!
The typhoon of swastika-shaped shits that blew out of Lars Von Trier's mouth during a press conference for his movie Melancholia has gotten him a kick in the culo and a place on the curb outside of Cannes. After Lars Von Trier jokingly declared himself a Hitler sympathizer, the organizer for the Cannes Film Festival hit him with a BYE BITCH and told him to go on his way. They stamped this statement on his one-way ticket back to Dumbassville:
The Festival de Cannes provides artists from around the world with an exceptional forum to present their works and defend freedom of expression and creation. The Festival’s Board of Directors, which held an extraordinary meeting this Thursday 19 May 2011, profoundly regrets that this forum has been used by Lars Von Trier to express comments that are unacceptable, intolerable, and contrary to the ideals of humanity and generosity that preside over the very existence of the Festival.
The Board of Directors firmly condemns these comments and declares Lars Von Trier a persona non grata at the Festival de Cannes, with effect immediately.
Melancholia is still in competition and still eligible for the top prize.
Above is the video of Lars tripping all over his verbal slivers of hard caca. Nazi jokes are only for professionals! But the best part of this video is the amazing and priceless facial expressions coming from Kiki Dunst. Never before have I seen someone try so hard to shapeshift into a ball gag with Lars' name on it. To say that Kiki would rather be getting her snag tooth ripped out by a dentist with the shakes is an understatement.
I just watched a video of a Memphis Animal Services employee dump live puppies into a trash can without trying to find them homes, so whatever operates the emotion in my system labeled "offended" is completely out of power. Not that I'd be offended by Lars Von Trier's words if I could. It's hard to take the incoherent ramblings of a crazy person seriously (<--- what most bitches say after reading this blog).
During a press conference at Cannes for his movie Melancholia, filmmaker Lars Von Trier let out a heavy stream of verbal diarrhea about Nazis, Israel, Hitler and...well...I'll just let him take it from here.
"I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He's not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I'm not for the Second World War, and I'm not against Jews. ...
I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I'm a Nazi."
Instead of saying he's a Nazi, an easier way of getting out of that sentence would be to stick his foot further down his mouth until his toes stuck out of his ass. Then Lars wouldn't have been able to say what he said next:
"I don't have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don't know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?"
The Associated Press says that at this point, one of Melancholia's stars, Kiki Dunst, leaned over and told Lars that "this is terrible." Kiki later told the press, "He likes to run his mouth. I think he dug himself in a deep hole today."
Yup, and lounging at the bottom of that hole is John Galliano, throwing Lars a seductive come hither look. One way to threaten Galliano with a good time is to declare that you're a Nazi.
Here's Lars Von Hitler with Kiki, Charlotte Gainsbourg and John Hurt at the Melancholia photo call yesterday.
This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he's in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, "HOLD IT IN!!!" Just uncomfortable as all hell.
Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he's just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly's trailer toilet. It's like he'd rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on...
You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she's pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.
But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.
Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.
Here's a few others at last night's event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.
What the fuck is wrong with the crazy people of this world? Bryan Adams has stalkers (see below) and now Kiki Dunst has one too. Crazy people aren't discriminating.
Yesterday in Los Angeles, Kiki was granted a restraining order against some dude named Christopher Smith. Christopher has tried to break into her house several times. He was arrested last week after he tried to get into her vampire cavern for the fifth time. He was stopped by Kiki's personal assistant who performed a citizen's arrest on him.
I always wanted to do that shit! The next time I spot a hot dude doing something mildly illegal like smoking in a non-smoking area, I'm going to scream "CITIZEN'S ARREST!" Then I'm going to make him spread it so that I can frisk him for any dangerous weapons. Then I will ask him if he finds me attractive. If he says yes, I will inform him that I must perform a breathalyzer on him because it's standard procedure. I will assure him that it won't hurt a bit, because I've had a special breathalyzer system installed in my mouth. Then he'll have to take off his pants. Performing a citizen's arrest is better than Craigslist!
Anyway, 25-year-old Christopher Smith told the court that he's in love with her and connects with her spiritually. He went on to say, "I felt like I connected with her and she connected with me. Now I don't know if she did. I guess you have to ask her if she connected."
This dude ain't right. I have the perfect solution for Kiki's situation. Obviously, this dude has a strange obsession with wet marshmallows. Kiki should just send him a giant bag of soggy Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallows with a little baby tooth and scraggly blonde wig attached to it. He won't know the difference.
That should keep his creepy ass busy for a few a years.
When you find yourself fighting over The Mac Dude, it's time to roll up your genitals and call it a day. That's what Drew Barrymore and Kiki Dunst need to do. Some nosy ho told OK! Magazine that the two were bitchy towards each other backstage at SNL and also at the after-party. Drew used to do gross things with Justin Long and Kiki recently did nasty things with him. Kiki denies it but we know she's a lying sack of unsifted flour.
Drew was at SNL to watch her friend Pizza Face Diaz in one of the skits. Kiki was there to support her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who hosted the show A source said: "Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in. James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron." Did James make a joke about wanting to lick the foundation off of Zac Efron's taint, because that's not a joke.
At the after-party, the tension between Drew and Kiki was still there. The nosy ho said: "Both Drew and Kirsten were there. But Kirsten didn't want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night."
Damn. These two are both boring ass faces. Stay away from each other? Doesn't Drew know that when you're in the same room as your ex-boyfriend's current eff buddy, you're supposed to call her a cunt and then pour a pitcher of beer over her head. That's standard practice.
Here's more of Kiki's uncooked flapjack face and Drew Barrymore on Saturday night. There were a few other scraggly celebrities there including Juno and Chace Crawford from "Gossip Girl." Drew ended up leaving with Chace. That's right, Drew. Forget your troubles with a little lesbionic action.
It seems like it was just yesterday that little Dakota Fanning was reading a story to Sean Penn, and now here she is looking all gummy and grown up at the NYC premiere of her movie "Hounddog." The movie where she has a rape scene.... The room suddenly got all quiet and uncomfortable. Umm....moving on..
It's nice to see a 14-year-old actually looking her age instead of looking like middle-aged Long Island housewife who lives a double life as a day-shift stripper. I'm talking to you, Ali Lohan.
The premiere rought out some hot pieces like Piper Laurie and Robin Wright Penn. It also brought out a stale marshmallow who goes by the name of Kiki Dunst. Would it seriously kill her to take a bath? A dry bath even? She should at least cover herself with baking powder. She probably smells. She looks like a secretary from the 70s who spent all night sleeping on the Staten Island ferry.