Lindsay Lohan

Back when Lindsay Lohan was planning to spend her court-ordered rehab sentence at the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she was having second thoughts about checking in there, because she heard they were planning to rip her precious supply of Adderall out of her cold, freckled orange claws. LiLo didn't end up going to Seafield, but her worst nightmare is coming true anyway, because the doctors at The Betty Ford Center took away all of her Adderall. When the doctors came for her Adderall, it probably looked like that scene in The Color Purple when Celie and Nettie are ripped apart. WHY????!???

TMZ says that LiLo told doctors that she has to take Adderall, because she suffers from ADHD. But after a week of evaluating her, the doctors came to the conclusion that the only thing she suffers from is FullofShit-itis and they stopped giving her Adderall. They switched out her Adderall for something else that's less addictive. LiLo is now telling her friends (aka TMZ's tip line) that she refuses to let those bitches take away her Adderall and she wants to move to another rehab center that'll let her take her pill of choice.

Radar says that the judge already signed off on Betty Ford and he'll throw her in jail if she violates the court by quitting that bitch. Radar's source said:

“The judge overseeing Lindsay’s case has made it crystal clear that if she defies the agreement, it’s jail time. Judge Dabney signed off on Betty Ford and he expects her to remain there for 90 days. If she does, that will be a violation of her probation and the judge will send her to jail.

Lindsay is absolutely freaking out about the prospect of gaining weight now that Adderall has been taken away. Lindsay has been able to eat whatever she has wanted and not gain weight for years and she attributes this to Adderall.”

Maybe without Adderall, she'll keep the chunk off by filling her eating hole with healthy things and exercising every now and again. HAHAHAHAHA, no. Eating healthy things and exercise really is overrated. But really, we've been through this a million times before. The judge isn't going to ever throw her in jail. If anything, he'll throw the doctors at Betty Ford in jail for not giving her what she wants. Then the judge will transfer her to Shire Pharmaceuticals (the makers of Adderall), so she'll never ever ever be without Adderall during the rest of her sentence.

For the next few weeks, The Betty Ford Center will be known as the halfway house for Charlie Sheen's down-and-out hos, because two members of his crackubine harem are drying out in there.

After Brooke Mueller's twins were taken out of her home and given to Denise Richards, she checked herself into rehab to deal with an addiction to prescription pills (that's what her rep, yes she has one, says anyway). TMZ says that Brooke is trying to get clean in Betty Ford, the same place where Lindsay Lohan is staying for the next few weeks (or until she drives every member of the staff crazy and they become crackheads themselves and set her free).

TMZ's source says that Brooke and LiLo are staying in the hospital wing of Betty Ford and have already bumped into each other. I think the source meant "did bumps together," but I'm not sure.

This could end one of two ways: Brooke and LiLo could join forces, rally up the other patients, raid the locked medicine cabinet and burn Betty Ford's legacy down to the ground. It'd sort of be like Crackhead of the Flies. Or maybe Brooke and LiLo will look at each other's methed-out faces and think to themselves, "Gross, I don't want to be THAT messy," and sober up. If that happens, the Southern California drug industry will be on the verge of collapsing and sad Charlie Sheen will miserably walk the streets while holding a sign that reads, "Save the Coke Industry! Snort A Line Today!"

Although, when Lindsay Lohan talks to anyone, severe delusion ensues.

Two of America's biggest pain in the asses got together to talk about rehab, coke, booze, shitty parents, lesbianism, helping children and fame, and the entire interview will be used by psychology professors when discussing pseudologia fantastica (aka the lying bitch disorder).
Piers Morgan can induce an eye roll out of me just by breathing, but he does get points for throwing direct questions at Lindsay Lohan and she gets points for not exploding into a freckled tsunami of coked up laughs while spitting out lie after lie after lie. If you've ever wanted to see a lie detector explode into a million pieces, just hook it up to the transcript of this interview.

Before checking into Betty Ford, LieLow talked to Piers Morgan in NYC and according to her, sending her to rehab is pointless, because she's basically a sober saint who only wants to act in movies and help children. If you haven't already read it, you should read the entire interview, because if anything it'll show you that you have the ability to cackle, snort, roll your eyes, fart and jack off the air at the same time. Here's a few highlights from The Daily Mail:

What LiLo said after Piers asked her if she liked booze after having her first drink at the age of 17: "No, I got really sick and Mum made me sleep with vomit still on me so I’d understand how it felt. I didn’t drink again throughout high school. I was too scared!"

What LiLo meant: "Did I say 17? I meant 7. I got really sick and mum made me sleep with vomit still on me, so I'd feel ashamed about being an embarrassing lightweight! Yes, I said 'mum.' I turn British when talking to a British person. It's the Madge in me."

What LiLo said after Piers asked her how many times she's done coke: "Everyone thinks I’ve done it so many times. But I’ve only done it maybe four or five times in my life. Yes, I don’t like it. It reminds me of my dad. I took it four times in a period from about the age of 20 to 23, and I got caught twice."

What LiLo meant: "I've only done it maybe four or five times in the past hour. Or maybe I've only done it four or five dozen times in the past hour. I don't remember. Mum, cut me another line! I need to get my memory juices flowing."

What LiLo said after Piers told her that anybody with common sense probably isn't going to believe that she's only snorted coke four times in her life: "It’s the truth. I’ve never taken heroin either, never injected myself with anything, never done LSD. Those things all scare me."

What LiLo meant: "It's the truth and when I say 'it's the truth,' I really mean that I'm lying my ass lips off!"

What LiLo said after Piers asked her what other drugs she's done: "Pot, obviously. And ecstasy. I liked that better than the others (giggles). I didn’t drink on it, so I was just chilling. It’s something that a lot of people experience when they’re in college. I just should have known that being in the public eye, someone was bound to say something or try to make some money off it."

What LiLo meant: "Listen, I've only got 6 cigs left and if I'm going to list all the drugs I've done, I'm going to need at least 10 cartons of Reds. So either send your intern out to Costco or lets keep the lies moving."

What LiLo said after Piers asked her if her crazy father is unstable: "He definitely needs to see a therapist. He went to rehab once but got kicked out. That’s one thing that’s never happened to me!"

What LiLo meant: "He went to rehab once but got kicked out. That's one thing that's never hahahahaha, even I can't complete that ridiculous lie."

What LiLo said after Piers asks her if she drinks a lot: "Not really. I’ve never been a huge drinker. I’ve never woken up in the morning and had a drink."

What LiLo meant: "I've never woken up in the morning and had a drink, because I'm usually still tanked from the night before!"

And here's even more highlights:

On why she's going to rehab if she isn't addicted to booze or the bad shit: "This is where it gets hard for me to explain. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people taking time to just be by themselves. I think people want to see me do that. They will keep saying the same things about me if I don’t. I don’t think it will be a bad thing for me to be away with myself for three months. I don’t think I need to be on lockdown for three months. I don’t think that’s rehab."

On how the court should send her to other countries to work with children instead of sending her to rehab: "But I think there are other things I could do instead of going to a rehab centre that would benefit me more. The best thing they could do for me would be to make me go abroad to different countries and work with children."

On how she was in love with SamRo, but now is strictly dickly: "No, I know I’m straight. I have made out with girls before, and I had a relationship with a girl. But I think I needed to experience that and I think I was looking for something different."

On when was the last time she did drugs: "Probably a year ago… some pot. But I’m not a stoner."

On what other pills she takes besides Adderall (which she says she only takes for her ADD): "Trazodone (a tranquilliser) if I’ve been travelling and can’t sleep from jet lag. But in small doses, I’m not a pill-popper."

On if she's okay with not drinking for a little while: "Yes, I’m fine with that. I don’t drink every day. Heath Ledger (who died from a prescription drugs overdose in 2008) told me to give it up for a year because he’d just done that, and so I did and it wasn’t a problem for me. I didn’t miss it, I felt good. That’s not to say that years from now I won’t have a glass of wine at a dinner, but I’d rather not drink and just focus on work."

And she goes on and on and on.... There's just too much here and I can't. If LiLo still has a publicist, her publicist should just come out and say that every day is Tell The Opposite Of The Truth Day in Lindsay Lohan's world and she always celebrates that holiday to the fullest!

During Lindsay Lohan's 24-hour cross-country rehab disaster, White Oprah has been strangely silent and I figured she was still passed out from partying at her daughter's going away to rehab party. Nana Lohan finally dropped a bucket of ice water on White Oprah's passed out ass, woke her up and told her E! was on phone. White Oprah spoke to E! and told them that LiLo was planning to go to rehab even if the courts didn't make her (insert an eye roll here) and even though she's said it ten thousand billion times before, she's ready to get completely clean this time.

White Oprah also said that LiLo didn't go to the Seafield Center in the Hamptons because of the smoking thing. She didn't go, because Michael Lohan used to be a patient there years ago and like everybody in the world, the staff hates him and doesn't want to see his face. White Oprah kicked Michael Lohan in the vagina by saying that the staff was afraid he was going to visit LiLo.

Even though LiLo has most likely snuck out of Betty Ford and is terrorizing Palm Springs right now, White Oprah says that she's happy to be in rehab and is totally committed to getting dry.

"I am so relieved and thankful that Lindsay is getting the help she needs in a credible place. She actually wanted to go, whether the court said to or not. She is happy there, to get introspective and get back on the right track.

The people are so dedicated at that place. It is a great facility. [Lindsay] didn't give anyone trouble. She had just gotten word [that Morningside] wasn't approved by the court. She didn't want to unpack and then a few days later have to move. She felt it was best to get into a place that the court has approved and let her start her treatment. They are very protective of paparazzi and leaks and very professional. She just needs to heal peacefully and quietly.

She has a different frame of mind this time. She realizes and she knows she needs help this time. She was like, 'I'm sorry, Mommy.' And I tell her, 'Don't say you are sorry. You just have to work on yourself and on getting well. Don't beat yourself up.' The bottom line is that [addiction] is a disease. It is a gene. Pretty much one in every family in the world carries it. It is difficult. You just have to heal."

Before you say that White Oprah should be bunking with her daughter at Betty Ford, I'll have your ass know that she doesn't have that gene. Yeah, she did have it once, but she drank so much vodka, gasoline, peroxide and battery acid over the centuries that it burnt away and now it's gone. So there!

Seen above making a subtle "Why am I posing in a sexy photo shoot with this bitch? Why do I keep taking this bitch back? Why me?" face, Shawn Holley took Lindsay Lohan back as a client yesterday after the freckled tornado begged her to. LiLo is now enemy #1 of The Little People Legal League, because she apparently told Lawyer Man Willow to get out of her life and go back to the forest from which he came from. LiLo fired Mark Heller and got Shawn Holley to take her back.

Radar says after LiLo quit rehab after being there for 2 minutes, prosecutors were planning to ask for an arrest warrant if she didn't check back in before midnight. LiLo went on the run and I figured she was just headed to Mexico to live out her destiny by becoming the day-shift mistress to a drug lord. But no, LiLo spent her day calling Shawn Holley to beg her old lawyer to take her back. Shawn Holley took LiLo back and immediately started negotiating with prosecutors. TMZ says that it was Mark Heller's idea for LiLo to go to Morningside Recovery and she didn't want to do it. When LiLo heard that Morningside Recovery didn't have a license to treat, she refused to stay there.

At the last minute, Shawn Holley got the prosecutors to let LiLo check into the Betty Ford Center instead. LiLo checked in right before midnight and the prosecutors dropped their plans to ask for an arrest warrant. LiLo has been in Betty Ford before, but she left after she got drunk and got into a fight with a staff member who later sued her ass. And now she's back!

The judge still has to sign off on Betty Ford, but since he'd sign off on LiLo rehabbing in a bar, I'm sure he'll sign off on Betty Ford. So....let's recap this entire mess:

LiLo was supposed to check into the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, she checks into Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach instead..... and nothing happens to her ass.

LiLo was supposed to be in rehab yesterday, she bails on that bitch.... and nothing happens to her ass.

LiLo begs Shawn Holley to be her lawyer again in exchange for at least 3 mentions in TMZ daily and a year supply of blowjobs for Shawn's entire family..... and Shawn takes her back.

LiLo beat a bitch's ass ain Betty Ford.... and Betty Ford takes her back.

We already know that LiLo is a demon wrapped in pork leather, but when are we going to find out that she has the power to wish her enemies into Hell (aka White Oprah's bedroom) when they don't do what she wants, because it's obvious that everyone is scared of her ass.

(Pic via THR)

Just when you think that Lindsay Lohan has scraped the bottom of the barrel of dumb so much that all that's left is a splinter of wood, she finds a way to scrape some more.

The judge should know to never ever trust a gnome with a law degree, because they are shifty shits and will lie to you with a twinkle in their eyes. That's exactly what LiLo's lawyer Mark Heller did in court this morning. He told the judge that LiLo was "ensconced in the bosom of" rehab this morning when she was really buying crap at Fry's in Fountain Valley, CA. The NYDN says that LiLo eventually made it to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, but two minutes after she walked through the door, she walked back through it and left. Don't strain any of your face muscles on this mess today. Just let my cousin in the background frown for all of us.

According to the NYDN, LiLo showed up to Morningside at around noon, spent a couple of minutes there, got spooked by the paparazzi (uh huh) and then jumped back into her SUV. Someone heard LiLo saying, "I'm not going to rehab.... I'm not going to rehab... Take me back to the airport." Some source said that LiLo was headed back to LAX to get on a plane to NYC. The Santa Monica City Attorney Terry White said that if it's true and she is getting on a plane, then a warrant will be issued and she'll be arrested when she lands in New York.

Radar must've sent an alert to Michael Lohan's pager (he is so the type that still carries a pager) and he stopped kicking vaginas for a second to pipe in about this. Michael tells Radar that it's true that LiLo is on the run.

Last night, I thought I was really not giving a shit when I ate a cold piece of Popeye's chicken in the tub. But I should remind myself that nobody doesn't give a shit more than this bitch doesn't give a shit. LiLo should make her way to New York, car jack a blue Thunderbird convertible, pick up Amanda Bynes and head for Mexico like a cracked out version of Thelma & Louise.

And on a positive note, I do like the condom hoodie LieLow's wearing in that picture. The Health Department probably made her wear it.

The prosecutors in Santa Monica and L.A. both agreed to let Lindsay Lohan serve her 90-day sentence at the Seafield Center in the Hamptons and on Tuesday night she was putting together 270 looks for rehab (because life's most important catwalk is the hallway in rehab that leads from your room to your therapist's office, obviously). But because Lindsay Lohan has to be a rusty nail shoved into everyone's urethra at all times, she changed rehab places at the last minute. TMZ reported yesterday that Seafield wouldn't let LiLo smoke, so she was thinking about going to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA, because they allow cigs. And that's exactly what she did.

Even though the prosecutors never approved Morningside Recovery, she went anyway. LiLo missed her first flight from NYC to L.A., so she got one of her friends (read: one of her sugar daddies) to lend her their private jets. LiLo checked into Morningside this morning and her Chaka from Land of the Lost-looking ass lawyer Mark Heller was in front of a judge today to get the place approved.

Mark Heller continued to be the gift that keeps on farting by using priceless lines like, "She is ensconced in the bosom of that facility right now." While he was doing that, the prosecutors told the judge that they first heard about LiLo going to Morningside from the media and Mark Heller never called to tell them about it. Morningside was never on the approval list and the prosecutors have problems with the place. The judge could've thrown LiLo in jail for violating the agreement, but doing that would've went against the first rule of the California Justice System (never punish Lindsay Lohan), so he's letting her stay at Morningside until the prosecutors investigate the place. The prosecutors have until next Friday to determine if they're okay with LiLo serving her sentence at Morningside or not.

TMZ helped prosecutors with their investigation by finding out that Morningside is basically a sober hotel. Morningside's license to treat was revoked, because they were  "careless" with giving out prescriptions for drugs. Morningside can't give treatment right now and the only thing they can do is provide a "sober living environment." 

Like any of that shit really matters. Next Friday, Mark Heller will skip into court on his tiny feet and tell the judge that Lindsay Lohan checked out of Morningside and checked into the Chateau Marmont instead. Yes, the Chateau Marmont is the opposite of a rehab facility and they probably have an in-house coke dealer, but the sheets at Morningside were so itchy and were scratching LiLo's skin. And the dumb bitch staffers at Morningside wouldn't let LiLo drink a bottle of vodka with dinner. MONSTERS! The judge will shake his head and tell Mark Heller that the court will send an 8-ball and a case of vodka to LiLo's room as a thank you for being so accommodating throughout all this. It's the least they can do! That's totally what's going to happen.

When you're getting ready to shuffle into court-ordered rehab, your first thought should always be, "What do I wear?!" Because court-ordered rehab IS the fashion event of the season.

Lindsay Lohan will check into 90-day rehab tomorrow and she Instagrammed (and then deleted) this picture of her packing last night and added the caption, "90 days and 270 looks." If you're looking at this picture and spot the missing studded jeans that LiLo probably stole from your dirty laundry basket, don't be mad. I'm sure she'll work the hell out of them in rehab.

TMZ says that as of now, LiLo doesn't really know which rehab facility will host her daily rehab chic fashion show. The judge and the City Attorneys for Santa Monica and L.A. have already okayed the Seafield Center in the Hamptons, but she's having second thoughts about the place. It's a non-smoking zone and she doesn't think she can keep her mouth off of a lit fag for 90 days. Seafield also won't let her bring 270 looks in. They only allow 7 outfits.

LiLo might check into Morningside Recovery Center in Newport Beach, CA, because they're okay with patients smoking. The problem with that is the City Attorneys haven't signed off on Morningside.

Like LiLo cares about rules. Bitch will still go to Seafield and every time she wants to inhale some Marlboro smoke, she'll just do this with her roommate.

Besides, those hos at Seafield won't even notice her smoking, because they'll be too dazzled and hypnotized by her *FASHIONS*.

Tom Brokaw won't be getting drunk at the White House Correspondents' Dinner tomorrow night with the stars of Duck Dynasty, Nicole Kidman, Gerard Butler and Psy, because he'd rather get drunk in a 7-Eleven parking lot with a bunch of high school juniors after prom. Tom tells Politico that the White House Correspondents' Dinner used to be fun and interesting and over the years it has turned into a steaming trash pile of drunken messiness and fame whores. Tom doesn't show his face there anymore, but he watches on CSPAN and says that the dinner really jumped ten sharks in a row when Lindsay Lohan was invited by Greta Van Susteren.

"There was more dignity at my daughter's junior prom than there is what I'm seeing on CSPAN here. Then we got to the point where everybody had to bring in whatever Page 6 celebrity happened to be around. For me the breaking point was Lindsay Lohan. She became the big star at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Give me a break."

Tom Brokaw is probably going to get a call really early in the morning and it'll be from a drunken, grunting mess who sounds like her throat is lined in sand paper and she'll slur out a tossed salad of incoherent sentences. It'll just be White Oprah calling to threaten him with a lawsuit for ruining the pristine image of her daughter. Tom should just hang up and go back to bed, because White Oprah will forget she called him when she wakes up in the afternoon with her head hanging over the toilet.

Since Lindsay Lohan has a reputation as the rudest snatch on both coasts to uphold, she showed up 45 minutes to the Broadway play Orphans last night. Hey, LiLo has a good excuse! Negotiating a nightly rate with one of your newer johns takes time and can't be rushed.

One of LiLo's sugar daddies got crossed out of her black book after his dumb ass got arrested for trying to smuggle drugs onto a plane, so she's got a spot open for a new benefactor (yes, I see what I did there and I don't like the image either). LiLo's date last night was wealthy Saudi entrepreneur Mohammed Al Turki who's also produced the movies Arbitrage and What Maisie Knew. The Daily Mail says that Mohammed Al Turki isn't exactly a new trick. LiLo hung out with him at the amfAR gala in February and he was her date to Lady CaCa's perfume launch party in September.

LiLo's supposed to check into 90-day rehab on May 2nd, so what's going to happen to all her sugar daddies? What if her plan to trick the rehab staff by putting a decoy (a rotting Jack-O-Lantern with red rubber lips) in her room so she can sneak out doesn't work? What if she has to stay there? Will her sugar daddies find a new sugar baby? I'm sure LiLo won't let this happen. She'll get White Oprah to temporarily take her place. White Oprah also looks like she's on the wrong side of 65 and just like LiLo, she can pour a shot, cut a line, give a hand job and steal a wallet all at the same time. Those sugar daddies won't know the difference at all.