Magic Mike

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN'T with him for wearing a guido's funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don't want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, "Take all them panties off, mister!" That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes' clothes. Somebody has to.

I've already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you're going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

FINALLY! Those Magic Mike hos realized that what's really going to sell this Showgirls with floppy dicks mess isn't a stupid plot nobody cares about or a dumb ass annoying girl, it's oiled up man ass. (Side Whisper: Why, hello there, John Travolta. I know you're here since you have "oiled up man ass" in your Google alerts.) Press the mute button on this shit unless you really want a side of RiRi's goat yodel with your man ass. Then hit pause at 0:10 to see Alex Pettyfer's ass, then again at 0:12 to see Matt Boner face hump a lady, then again at 0:31 to see Pettyfer pout with both lips, then again at 0:46 to see a shadow of Big Dick Richie's prosthetic peen, then again at 0:52 to see some Texas T-Rex ass and finally hit the double lines at 0:54 for Channing Tatum's sideways smile. If you need me, I'll be trying to find a way to make holograms of all those screen grabs to put under the lid of my coffin.

via Queerty

If a movie poster doesn't look like it should be printed on 3x4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky's on Santa Monica Blvd., we don't need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here's the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I'm hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom's favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you're in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).

And here's some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men's Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a "replace tire with muscle bottom" tool in Photoshop.

If the anticipation for the all-pecs Showgirls, Magic Mike, was a hot piece you met at a bar, then its trailer will feel you with the same cold emotion you feel when you pull down that hot piece's chonies and stare directly at a tequila worm-sized soft dick that is looking at you like, "Meh." The blood from your sex parts rushes up into your brain. That's not what's supposed to happen!

Magic Mike is supposed to be 90 minutes of man bananas flopping around in hammocks over and over again, but by the looks of the trailer that's not what it is at all. Close-up shots of sweat trickling down Matt Boner's nipple have been replaced by shots of the ugly ass junkyard furniture Channing Tatum's stupid character made. A slow motion montage of ass cheeks clenching on stage has been replaced by some annoying walking lady jaw who won't stop talking! Joe Man-Jello twerking his pecs to "Turbo Love" has been replaced by a RiRi Song. Why couldn't the marketing whores for this movie just give me the trailer that was in my head?!

I don't want some rom-com where a bottom of the barrel Blake Lively (who is a bottom of the barrel Kate Hudson who is a bottom of the barrel Goldie Hawn) keeps telling the strippers to put their clothes on, stop dancing, cover up, don't be a stripper, do something with their lives, blah, blah, blah ... Bitch is like that parent who keeps knocking on the bathroom door while you're trying to fap in piece.

Steven Soderbergh, thousands of pairs of blue balls hate you today.

Steven Soderbergh's Magic Mike isn't coming out in theaters equipped with plastic-wrapped seats and popcorn butter that can double as lube until June, but they're already pushing out stills to keep nipples hard and panty cream churning until the summer.

Entertainment Weekly put out those pictures of Channing Tatum (that's Carol O'Neal to you and me), Alex Pettyfer, Adam Rodriguez and Matt Boner flexing their cum gutters as male strippers. One thing I've learned from these pictures is that I ain't shit, because I should've went to nipple waxing school and gotten a job as the head man hair puller on this movie. These dudes are as hairless as a baby worm's pussy. Living The Life is dipping Adam Rodriguez in a tub of NADS and wrapping him in a cocoon of wax strips before pulling that shit off fast. Then I'd carefully pluck each hair off the strips, wash them all off and knit them into a g-string onesie for me to wear around the house. That's not creepy. It's called BEING GREEN! Damn me to hell for not coming up with this sooner.

And I know we've only seen like two or three pictures from this no-no puckering mess, but it sort of does look like the dude version of Showgirls. Showguys! Steven Sodbergh better not disappoint and he better include a scene where Matt pushes Alex down the stairs and Channing rides Matthew McConaughey's dick in a pool while flopping around like a Beverly Hills mermaid having a seizure.

Pull out the Kleenex and a tube of soothing chamomile tea lube, and then gently tell your genitals in a cashmere soft voice that it will not see William Levy's Cuban sandwich nalgas clenching a crisp dollar bill on the (CL)IMAX screen anytime soon. Because the "Cuban Brad Pitt" (HA) has officially said no gracias to a role in Steven Soderbergh's soon-to-be man stripper masterpiece Magic Mike.

William was supposed to star in his big breakout role by breaking out the see through salchicha smuggler (or as my mom says in her accent, "see troo") and twerking his pecs next to Matt Bomer, Channing Tatum, Joe Man Jello, Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer, but People En Espanol says it's not going to happen anymore. Let's do this in Spanish, because then your chocha (or man chocha) can take the hint and weep in Spanish (messy, crazy, sweary, rosary-clutching, vase-breaking, etc):

Sin embargo, el actor cubano no se unirá al proyecto, pues prefiere dedicar tiempo a evaluar otras posibilidades en la Meca del Cine.

“Recibió un acercamiento, pero no estará”, dijo Gladys González, su mánager, a PeopleEnEspanol.com.

William is famous for telenovela shit and for rolling around on the sand with JLo's ass, so he needs to stop thinking he's too good to sway his peen on camera and take them chonies off! What are all these Hollywood offers that are falling on William's lap? A chance to star opposite an A-list star in a Hollywood blockbuster that will win the box office and win Oscar awards? Yeah, I'm sure William got that casting notice in the mail. William, squint your pretty little eyes and tell me the fine print doesn't say: "Audition held at the Scientology Center. Go to the cellar door on the side of the building, knock the melody to the Top Gun theme song with your fist. Come alone, bring a change of clothes and practice saying the safe word 'glib' over and over again beforehand."

But this is still a tragedy.....

It's times like this that I thank my everything for YouTube. The only thing that can calm my parts down is a fat sage joint from Shanti Ananda: