Maria Shriver

There's usually one house in every neighborhood that celebrates Christmas times all year round and is never without lights on it. My house was that house for a while. One year, my uncle, who didn't live with us, suddenly decided that our house really needed some Christmas lights. He put them up and they never came down. You know my abuelita wasn't going to pull out a damn ladder and my mom worked all the time, so they stayed up for years. They became a part of the house. The house started to eat them. We never turned them on and they stopped working. I should've told people that they weren't Christmas lights, they were siding studs. Very on trend. I don't think our neighbors ever gave a shit. Although, one smart ass whore neighbor wished me a Merry Christmas while I was on the driveway choreographing a dance number to a Jody Watley song for my own pleasure. It was July. Anyway, our neighbors didn't seem to care, but Maria Shriver's rich ass neighbors do....

TMZ has an EXCLUSIVO video they shot on Tuesday night of Christmas lights twinkling bright in front of Maria Shriver's Brentwood house. Maria turns on the lights nightly and she's had them up since December. Maria's neighbors aren't dazzled by them and want her to take them down. But instead of knocking on Maria's door and telling it to her face, they called TMZ. TMZ is the new passive aggressive note.

Maria's neighbors don't want to hurt her feelings, so they hope their note through TMZ gets to her and she takes them down. Those neighbors need to pull the platinum stick from out their asses and get over it. Those don't even look like Christmas lights to me. That looks like some Disney park shit to me. Don't some rich people always decorate their front yard trees with light-up diamond necklaces? I'm sure Maria will take down her Christmas lights....but only so she can rearrange them into a message for all her neighbors. I'm sure we'll see the lit-up words "F ALL U TWATS" on Maria's front yard shrubs real soon. Don't mess with the Skeletor of the Kennedy family.

Speaking of things that twinkle, here's Maria's hairless twink son Patrick Schwarzenegger in Hawaii the other day.

Damn, was she on the juice, too? Cheeks! Jesus is being the opposite of helpful to Maria Shriver this holiday season. TMZ is reporting that she's (blue)waffling on actually divorcing husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her issue? Going through with the divorce is difficult for her because of her Catholic upbringing. Let's be honest - does it seem like God has ever really smiled upon the Kennedys? Sweetie, become a Protestant and sign off on those papers.

Shit, there's no divorce loophole in the Bible for when he fucks the maid full of child? When you actually live through some "he had a whole other secret family and she worked in my house and smiled at me every morning WHILE PREGNANT WITH MY HUSBAND'S CHILD" shit out of a One Life To Live episode? If the Catholic version of God is half the awesome guy he's supposed to be, he'd ignite a bush and give her the OK in this situation.

Oh, and they spent the holiday together according to People and had "a really nice time." If the source for the report was Maria, a "really nice time" probably means she did that thing to him from Casino Royale where Daniel Craig got his naked ass sat in the chair without a bottom and got whipped on his ass and balls with big rope.

SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger's leventy-billion other children.

Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.

In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it's been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K's Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I'm proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*

That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book "In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas". Till then, I'll see you all in the comments section.

Much love (you know where), Sweetas

The mother of Arnold Schwarzenegger's secret love child finally broke her silence and it looks like the gold bar Hello! magazine handed her was big enough to do it. The Guatemalan temptress Mildren Baena gave her first interview to Hell-o! and also served up some serious come hither pose game next to her and Arnold's son Joseph. But before we get into the interview, is it just me or does Mildred look like Priscilla Allen meets La Bruja meets Joker Cat? Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Mildred always knew that her boss was Joseph's biological father, but she kept it a secret from Arnold.

"It was as Joseph grew and I started to see the resemblance that I wondered – but It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he [Arnold] wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

When the other maids started whispering about how much Joseph looked like the Guatemalan Schwarzenegger, Maria started to raise her Detective La Toya magnifying glass and ask questions.

“I’m here if you need to talk. I sensed something was up. I have so much love and respect for Maria. Finally, she asked point blank. She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

More like Maria said, "Get off your knees, trollop! I ain't my husband."

As for Joseph, he shrugged off the news that he's part Schwarzenegger and said it was "cool" when his grandmother told him.

And maybe it's just bitch's checking account talking, but Mildred said that she hopes Maria and Arnold stay together.

“He’s a good man and I know he’s suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out.”

You know after reading the "love and respect" part, I'm beginning to think that Mildred and I are cut from the same dirty cum cloth. Because when I love and respect a ho, I always let her man dick drill me raw on her bed while I fold her panties which I washed. And as a dirty cum cloth brother, I have to let Mildred know that her eyebrow situation is more of a disaster than Conan the Destroyer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a secret love child over ten years ago when The Los Angeles Times started poking at his dangling baby batter bags (ugh) and asking all sorts of questions. There's a story going around today that Maria Shriver is the one who planted the seed in The L.A. Times that grew into Arnold's nightmare. TMZ says that when Arnold told Maria that he made a baby with their former maid, the glare of a lightning bolt illuminated her skeletal face, showing the look of malicious revenge in her eyes.

If my husband of a million years fucked a secret baby out of the maid and lied to me about it, I'd pay him back by spray painting the word WHORE all over his car right after I verbally assaulted him at his job. This is what most people would do. But the Kennedys are not most people. They hold press conferences! A source says that Maria wanted to pull the blanket off of Arnold's scandal during a press conference. Maria's people quickly talked her out of that idea and advised her to leak the story to the L.A. Times instead. Arnold apparently knows that it was Maria who threw up the jig.

I have now learned that Maria Shriver is not the one to screw with. Maria will destroy you even if it means a teenager will now be called the Latino Schwarzenegger by his classmates at school. I have also learned that I will do whatever (or whoever) it takes to win one of those golden fist awards.

The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated after 25 years of marriage set off a thousand IThoughtTheyWereGoingToLastForevers, but apparently this has been a long time coming. Maria tried to evict The Schwarzenegger from her life two years ago, but then her mother passed away. Maria then tried again earlier this year, but her father. Everybody's death kept screwing with her divorce plans! People are so selfish! But now, Maria has put all of her loved ones on the eternal life plan (Jack LaLanne juice, kitten videos and fleshlight aerobics) and is trying to make this divorce shit happen for real this time! On the other hand, Arnold isn't ready to pry his dehydrated apricot claws off of Maria just yet. Arnold wants to make it work.

At an Israel Independence Day Celebration event in L.A. last night, Arnold declared his love for Maria and thanked those who have supported their decision. This speech would've been so much better if it was given by 3 titty prostitute from Total Recall.

"I just spoke to Maria an hour ago before I came here. We both were saying the same thing – we're extremely blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people, by so many wonderful friends.

We both love each other very much. We're very fortunate to have four extraordinary children. And we're taking it one day at a time. The bottom line is we want to thank all the people for their great, great support."

Thank you for that touching pair of paragraphs that we could've read in the "personal life" section of your Wikipedia bio. Thank you for that.

In that telephone conversation with Maria, Arnold might've hit her with the old Austrian plea for forgiveness which involved a lot of grunting, stomping and threats that he'll turn her into a raven and steal her fritters. TMZ says that Arnold desperately wants Maria back and has promised to change his ways. Sources say that Maria's main issues with Arnold are that his ego is bigger than his glazed chest dumplings and he can't keep his dick in his pants. But Arnold is suddenly acting sweet and it's confusing Maria. The source added, "Arnold has done a 180. He's been really sweet to her since all this went down. Maria has been tortured over pulling the plug on the marriage. One day she's determined to get the hell out, and the next day she just can't do it."

Isn't this how it usually works? One minute, the bastard would rather make out with a pile of dried dog poo than touch you. Then as soon as you deliver his quittin' papers, he's got his non-lips all over you and is begging you to let him lick off the residue of pain he left on your skin. Don't fall for it, Maria! Arnold is only using you as a front to the hide the fact that he's working for an underground agency called The Omega Sector that's headed by a one-eyed Charlton Heston. I seen dis in a movie! But seriously, we should all hope that they make it work. If two bacon-wrapped skeleton people can't make it, none of us can!

And here's Arnold trying to make out with some lady's neck in Beverly Hills yesterday. Or maybe he's trying to fish out her wallet.