Justin Bieber was allowed to stay up past mimi times last night to sit on a booster seat on the Late Show stage and talk about serious adult stuff with David Letterman. Letterman asked the beaver equivalent of a Skipper Doll about getting swabbed in the mouth to prove that it's impossible for him to father a baby since the only liquid he produces is Poof 'n Puff Perfume.
Bieber told Letterman that the swabbing took all of ten minutes and he got to keep his clothes on the entire time. Letterman said that his eyes have turned red over Mariah Yeater's claims and the scent of weasel farts have trickled into his nostrils. Bieber responded by saying, "I could smell a weasel too." Little did Bieber know, that wasn't the smell of a weasel, that was the smell of a gerbil slathered in Crisco that Uncle Usher brought him to "play" with.
As Justin waits for Mariah Yeater to give up DNA from her baby, he reunited with Uncle Usher on Today this morning where he kissed a Belieber on the hand without a condom on his lips (cut to 9 months later with her holding a Baby Alive on the cover of Life & Style) and gave a wardrobe assistant a Crying Game moment.
Radar has it on good authority that Justin Bieber took a DNA test in New Jersey this past Friday and will have the results by the end of this week. Justin's lawyers are now waiting for Mariah Yeater to cough up the DNA results from her baby. A little last minute advice to Mariah from me: swab the vagina of a Wuggle Pet! It'll be a match!
A source tells Radar that unfortunately Maury was not around to oversee Justin's DNA test, but it was still done with exact precision and they even gave him a strawberry kiwi lolly afterward since he was such a good boy about it. The source went on to say, "Justin took a DNA test on Friday night. The whole process lasted less than 10 minutes. It's an extremely reputable facility, and there are surveillance cameras everywhere to ensure tests are done with integrity and can't be compromised. Justin's test should be processed and completed by the end of the week. It's time for Mariah to put up or shut up."
FINALLY. The results won't match and then Mariah will be shuffled off to a prison for dumb bitches or she'll be fed to Beliebers. Either or. And then our international nightmare will finally be over. Wait. Why do I hear silence followed by the eery cackle of a baby Belieber in its crib? Is that creepy giggle of impending doom telling me that someone at the DNA facility is going to use that swab to clone an army of Justin Biebers that will destroy us with their tiny pitiful staches? We'll have no choice but to surrender, because how can we fight against a fetus with a stache? No, seriously, what is Justin Bieber doing with that stache? I've seen anuses with more impressive mustaches. Justin didn't grow that stache, he just stuck around during Selena's Brazilian and wiped one of her hairy wax strips over his upper lip.
When your girlfriend can probably grow a thicker stache than you, just don't even try it.
Here's the two Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruities getting breakfast at IHOP this morning.
This is why little ass girls should leave the big cons to the Alexis Carringtons of the world who have trained their whole lives in the craft of scheming and would never make an amateur bitch mistake like this one right here. Alexis would spit at Mariah Yeater out of disgust, but sheiks buy vials of her saliva with diamonds and she's not going to waste a drop on a dumb bitch who can't scheme.
Yesterday, Mariah Yeater's new lawyer confirmed that his client pulled her paternity case against Justin Bieber to start private settlement negotiations with the world's most famous yodeling fetus. Mariah still swore that Justin Bieber bareback boned a bag of money into her uterus and asked him once again to take a DNA test. But now it seems like her entire get-rich-quick scheme has come crashing down like a balloon with no boy in it. One of Mariah's friends sold her the hell out by giving TMZ a bunch of text messages where she says that some other dude named Robbie is the father of her baby and she wants him in her kid's life. Mariah also promises to give her friend a cut of the cash if he keeps his mouth shut. THE JIG JIG JIG IS UP!
The person to whom Mariah Yeater sent the text asked us to blur his name -- we'll call him John. He has been in touch with Yeater regularly ... even before the baby was born on July 6.
In the text, Yeater pleads for John to "ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom." The text goes on to say that her mom sent John messages in the past, stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie -- an ex-boyfriend.
She then goes on to talk about giving John money if he cooperates: "Ill kick u when we get paid."
All of her texts end with Mariah Laci-- Laci is Mariah's middle name.
John tells us he's already shared this information with Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber's lawyer.
Weitzman tells TMZ, "This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never meet Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child's father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media."
Weitzman adds, "There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be."
What kind of self-respecting gold digging con artist leaves a text trail? You're supposed to conduct all of your bribery (Biebery?) discussions in an empty steam sauna. That way nobody can wear a wiretap and your pores get cleansed in the process. I swear. Pimp Mama Kris, come and get this dumb dumb and teach her your con artist ways, because she's a skid mark on the profession. Unless.....
Maybe The Lesbeaver has already paid Mariah off and this is just the grand finale to wrap everything up and make it go away forever. That would mean Mariah is a master schemer after all. Nope, can't be. Any ho who spells the name Tristan "T-R-Y-S-T-Y-N" can't be that good.
Here's The Lesbeaver on the Spanish show El Hormiguero yesterday. You can laugh all you want, but you won't be spitting out HAHAs in a few months when that purple puppet is knocked up on the cover of HOLA! magazine and crying about how Justin scissored a baby into it in a backstage bathroom.
This morning, Beliebers that have been in the fetal position ever since this Mariah Yeater mess started tried to get out of the fetal position after learning that she dismissed her paternity lawsuit, but then they remembered one important thing: they can't get out of the fetal position! They're fetuses! They're always in the fetal position!
Well, now they can really really stay there. Mariah did take back the paternity suit, but only because she wants to keep all the details away from the media she whored herself out to. Mariah's new lawyer Jeffrey Leving is currently trying to get Justin to suck on a swabstick and hand over his DNA for testing. Leving told People that it's so much easier to scam Justin Bieber's lunch money from him without the courts involvement:
"We're negotiating with Bieber's counsel, to reach a confidentiality agreement and to get private testing and results. Yes, of course I believe my client's allegations. I can't comment on whether she has physical evidence or not.
I just spoke to Mariah today, someone was recently stalking her. She is happy that she changed her number so she's not getting death threats by phone. She's a young 20-year-old mother who now has to worry about her safety and her child's. It's a lot for any woman that age to handle?
Yes, it is a lot to handle and here's Mariah handling her new duties as a mother really well by pushing her kid into the cameras for his first staged photo shoot. White Oprah just shit out a tear at this precious moment.
But you know, earlier I said that I hope this baby turns out to be Justin's, but I don't mean that. I only said those things for dramatic purposes. I don't want baby Trystyn (Side whisper: Who in blue hell spells Tristan like that?) to grow a follicle bowl of addictive pheromones that turns every girl child into a foaming-at-the-mouth crazy. I don't want Trystyn to make songs that are basically musical rabies that infect the masses. As Tina Turner really meant to sing, we don't need another Bieber! We as a people have been tortured enough.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!OOOO!!!OO!O!" is the only thing my keyboard can scream out over the devastating news that Mariah Yeater has tiptoed into the courthouse to quietly cancel her paternity suit against Justin Bieber and she's no longer asking him to spit out some DNA to prove that he is the father of her baby friend. There will be no Maury after-school special. Justin will not join the cast of next season's Teen Mom. The Lesbeaver's kingdom dam (kingdam?) will not come crumbling down from the sonic boom sound of a million crazed Beliebers coo bawling out of their diapers. There goes Bieber's butch bitch cred and there goes the scandal that was supposed to put a skid mark on the House of Beliebers! Even Mariah's baby looks disappointed about the fact that he'll never be a Eater-Beaver.
TMZ reports that Mariah took back the lawsuit last week right before her skeeze bag lawyers dropped her ass. The Lesbeaver was supposed to get DNAed today and planned to sue Mariah for telling lies. Mariah's case fell apart as soon as one of her ex-boyfriends claimed that she accused him of fathering her baby a second before she fame whored her way into the tabloids. Mariah continued to prove that she sucks at scheming when she went on The Insider and claimed she had proof she couldn't reveal at that time. Womp. Womp. So that's that.
Either two things happened: Mariah is insane and made it all up for a quick cashiers check from The Insider and Star. Or Mariah is still insane and Justin cracked open his piggy bank and emptied it out onto her open palms so she can go away. Whatever the case may be, one thing still remains. Us bitter queen losers who live for a scandal like this have been robbed.
Oh, well. The silver lining here is that at least I got to use this picture of Justin Bieber looking like a penis after a botched circumcision left it with raggedy ass foreskin.
Mariah Yeater's fame whoring Winnebago has expectedly pulled into The Insider and she changed into every crazy bitch's "take me seriously" outfit of a button down shirt and a cardigan to talk about how she conceived the third coming of Hilary Swank next to a urinal cake and a dirty stink inside of a stadium bathroom. Mariah looked like she was about to either barf up tears or cry out barf as she said that she's got serious proof that a fetus bareback scissored a fetus right into her womb.
Of course, this trick ass ho isn't saying what this proof is, because she's a master of suspense, obviously. We know it's not a pube, because Justin Bieber can't grow those. So unless Mariah's proof is a video of Tenderheart testifying that it is possible for one of his own to make a baby by Care Bear Staring into a twat, bitch is a'lyin'!
Meanwhile, Justin and Selena Gomez were in Belfast over the weekend for the MTV EMAs and TMZ says that as soon as he gets back he will get swabbed to prove that he isn't Trystyn Yeater-Bieber's (pronounced "eat her beaver") dad. Once he proves that, Justin's lawyers will file a lawsuit again Mariah for making it all up for attention and a quick check from The Insider.
There's really no winners here. We've all lost, because our minds have been force fed illegal and disgusting images of Justin Bieber trying to balance on a step stool while humping a grown woman with his Pull-Ups wrapped around his ankles. Baby Trystyn has lost, because his mother is INSANE. Justin Bieber has lost, because once it's proven that he's not the father, there goes his street cred and we'll all continue to believe the rumor that his down low part only shoots out Baby Alive piss and it easily comes off with a screwdriver.
Justin Bieber (the baby on the left) was on Today this morning to whore his musical terrorist threat on Christmas and Matt Lauer asked about the allegations that he accidentally created an heir to his potty training throne (the baby in the middle) with a then 19-year-old trick named Mariah Yeater (seen on the right showing us what Bieber should've done 12 months ago in that stadium bathroom). Bieber denied it, because he never wrote a co-letter to the stork with that woman! Bieber wants to see the signed delivery slip from the stork who brought that baby!
Bieber's real defense is that he's never seen Mariah's face before and he's never backstage after a show long enough to do illegal 30-second sex times with anybody.
"I'd just like to say, basically, that none of those allegations are true. I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim. It's crazy. Every night after the show I'm gone right from the stage right to the car, so it's crazy that some people want to make such false allegations. To set the record straight, none of it is true. Never met the woman. Like I said before, there's going to be goods and bads in the business."
Mariah's lawyers were on Dr. Drew's HLN show last night where they basically said Justin needs to put $1 in the LIAR JAR, because he's the only one who could be the father. They put it like this: “In the relevant time period, she wasn't having sex with anyone else. That's how we know Justin Bieber is, in fact, the father of the baby... we need the paternity test to verify that scientifically, 100-percent.”
Can't Justin Bieber's mommy promise to give him a green lollipop if he lets the doctors swab him as she holds his hand? They are dragging this shit out. It can all be solved with one swab. If Justin is the father, then he'll have to move into the Witness Protection Program's playpen since the Beliebers will turn on him and we'll have to start teaching sex education in our pre-schools. If Justin isn't the father, then Mariah's voicemail box is going to be filled with angry coos for months to come. Either way, the streets will be covered with cunty toddlers out for blood, so we've all been warned.
The Beliebers are sharpening their rattles into shanks, asking their parents to get them a PlaySkool gat for Christmas and turning grade school poems into adorable death threats, because one of their own has gone rogue by claiming that Justin Bieber knocked her up during 30-second not-so-sexy times in a backstage bathroom at one of his concerts. Buzzfeed put together the best death threat Tweets made by a bunch of Beliebers who really need a chancleta-wielding abuelita in their lives. Reading those Tweets is the best birth control, because who wants their child to join these baby-worshiping crazies as the future of humanity? My parts don't even make ovaries and I'm about to shove an old school Depo Provera syringe up my asshole just in case. Moving on....
I guess Mariah Yeater's 3-month-old son doesn't have a Hasbro tag sticking out of his big toe and a preliminary DNA test could not confirm or deny that he's half teddy bear, because her lawyers still want Justin Bieber to submit a sample. Lawyers for the 20-year-old crazy ho (seen in a bathroom and bedroom photo shoot below) tell Radar that they have every reason to believe that The Lesbeaver is the father of her child and the only way to prove this is with DNA. Justin's lawyers deny that he ever even met her and he's filing his own lawsuit against her for defamation. But Mariah's pepaw, Eddie Markhouse, tells The NYDN that his granddaughter only does underage yodeling fetuses and she does not do lie-telling.
“I don’t know the whole story. But, from what I understood, she met him at a concert and he sent two security guards down off of the stage to bring her backstage to meet him. She said they partied, had some drinks and they indulged in sex … She’s basically an honest good person. She’s got a big heart. She’s a good kid and she loves this baby.”
Oh, I believe that Mariah feels nothing but love for her baby. If I had a child that I loved, I'd want to tell him that he was made when a drunk superstar toddler humped on me for half a minute in the dirty stall of some bathroom. Then I'd tell my baby that I didn't sue his father for the money. I did it for the legal right to use his last name on the birth certificate. I mean, if Justin is the father, then Mariah's baby's last name will be: Yeater-Bieber. YEATER FUCKING BIEBER! Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner for the best hyphenated last name ever. Think about it. Grab your tongue and say Yeater-Bieber really fast. EAT. HER. BEAVER.
You are definitely not a loving and caring mother if you keep your child from having a last name like that.