MESS!

....And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it.

Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it's classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light's new line of mixes with ecstasy in them. Oh, Mimi, never stop acting like the horny butterfly you are.

Kanye West had to lick Anna Wintour's ass clean a thousand times to get that trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian an invitation and this is what she wore. The theme of the night was "punk," because the Costume Institute's exhibit is Punk: From Chaos to Couture and I guess Kim thought that since she and Kanye are a couple of punk ass bitches they fit in with the theme perfectly!

I was watching the live feed of this mess, which was awkward comedy at its finest, and dumb ass Kim said that this was her idea of "punk." It's "romantic punk." BITCH, my chihuahua's swollen anal gland (I'm taking him to the groomer tomorrow, don't worry) is more punk rock than the floral vomit she wore tonight. They should've thrown a plastic cover over her, because this is someone's abuelita's sofa.

She looks like that dusty, lumpy sofa that had your grandma has had for years and decided to finally get rid of it. So your grandma, with the help of two neighborhood boys, puts it on the curb for the garbage men to take, but they never take it. It just sits there on the curb. The dogs pee on it, the birds crap on it and it gets even lumpier from the rain. After a few weeks, your grandma finally gives in and drags it back into her house and puts it in her backyard. The only thing missing from Kim's look is a grandma sitting on top of her.

Kanye's alleged fuck buddy Riccardo Tisci made this for Kim and I could blow a million air kisses at his taint. He knew what he was doing and he should get the Nobel Peace Prize in SHADE for doing it!

To sort of quote Reese Witherspoon in this dashboard cam video from the night she was arrested for being a drunken, annoying twat, "This is beyond BEYOND....HILARIOUS!" 

The footage from the dashboard cab of Reese and her husband Jim Toth getting arrested magically landed in TMZ's lap and they posted three videos of her shouting out priceless lines like, "I am an American citzen!" and "You're about to find out who I am!" THIS TRASHY BITCH pulling rank! Who the hell does she think she is? Randy from South Park?

The cherry on top of this drunken, red wine-infused sundae is Jim, standing there all quiet-like, wishing he had the power to disappear. Then Jim delivers the real punchline: "I had nothing to do with that."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These two drunk messes should take their act on the road. Only neither of them should drive. Jim seems like the type who speaks a maximum of 20 words a day and he uses seven words daily to say "I had nothing to do with that" to everybody that Reese is bitchy to.

And here's Reese telling the cop that she needs to use the bathroom, because she's knocked up. I guess we now know that when Laura Jeanne Poon gets drunk, her twang comes out.

And finally, here's Jim trying to blow blow blow blow blow blow for the cop.

If Reese and Jim would've put their heads together and blown blown blown blown blown the cop, they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

Jim pleaded guilty to DUI today and Reese pleaded no contest. Jim won't go to jail, but he will have to perform 40 hours of community service. Reese has to pay a $213 fine and that's it. I was going to say that now that night is behind them, but that's not completely true, because these beautiful videos will live on forever and beyond.

In the June issue of Elle UK, Miley Cyrus threw a little lukewarm hate at RiRi, Lady CaCa and the world's brightest stars Courtney Stodden and Shauna Sand when she spat out this crap:

“A star is someone who doesn’t have to take her clothes off to be sexy because you naturally have star power. Sex does sell, but you have to find a way that’s not just showing your tits. I don’t want to be a glorified model. They just walk on stage and it’s all about their clothes – or lack of clothes.”

And now here's Miley showing every part of her tits but the nipples in V Magazine. This must be Miley's way of telling us that she's not a star. We already knew that, Miley!

This anarchist chipmunk meets butch hooker photo shoot is such a mess that I actually like it. Miley is trying so hard that she doesn't care if she splits her cooche in two by giving herself a first degree pussy wedgie. I don't even think she cares that some of her facial expressions make her look like she just made an oopsie in her panties. If Justin Bieber got titty implants and starred in a lesbian porn parody of Tank Girl, this is what the promo pics from it would look like.

And if you see Billy Ray Cyrus stumbling around the streets and mumbling to himself in between nibbling on a piece of possum jerky, it's because he saw these pictures and he's so, so confused.

I've always known that Wendy and Casper were going to freak on each other sooner or later...

The Swedish police taking his weed stash didn't get Justin Bieber down and before his concert in Stockholm today, he and a glasses-free Urkel leaned back and freak danced their way onto his tour bus.  I see Justin trying to make Usher jealous by leaning into that dude's crotch.

You can laugh all you want at those foolish onesies, but you know who's not laughing? Justin's au pair. That onesie makes it extra easy for her to change his diaper when he gets a violent case of the weed shits. And where is Justin's au pair anyway? She needs to stick a pacifier in his mouth, because sucking his thumb is going to give him buck teeth and then he's really going to look like a beaver.

If I listed all the illegal and dumb stuff that Teen Mom Jenelle has done in the past couple of years, this post would be 8,000 words long and by the end of it, we'd all want to become pro-sterilization activists. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 was back in front of the mug shot camera today in North Carolina after police busted her for possession of her drug of choice, heroin, and for beating her husband, Courtland Rogers, with a piece of furniture. Courtland was also arrested for punching Jenelle in the head and for being in possession of heroin. TMZ says that when the police showed up to Jenelle's house after getting a call about a domestic disturbance, they found 12 bags of heroin, a glass pipe, plastic wrapping papers and illegal Percocet.

Since Jenelle and Courtland both denied that the heroin was theirs, they were both charged with possession with intent to sell. While the cops were there, they served Jenelle with a warrant for not paying child support. Jenelle's mom currently has custody of her kid.

One of Jenelle's friends tells Radar that she was set up by her husband and all of the heroin belonged to him. This friend might be speaking the truth, because Jenelle tweeted this 8 hours ago and she'd never tell a lie!

I'm doing great. Eating healthy. My weight is back to normal. I take Multivitamins daily and melatonin at night and I'm SOBER!

Bitch has a funny way of spelling "heroin" and "Percocet."

Well, the way that I see is if Jenelle ever stops being a bona fide wreck and gets sober, she can say that the whole "Ke$hit is the air I breathe" speech that she shat out of her mouth was the result of her being all the way high on heroin. We'd all just nod our heads, because that would make so much sense.

Vanessa Lutz would be proud, because Reese Witherspoon got arrested early Friday morning for being a mouthy mess.

Both TMZ and Variety say that after midnight on Friday morning, police in Atlanta pulled Reese's husband Jim Toth over, because he wasn't driving right and they figured his ass was drunk. Police say that Jim's silver Ford Focus was weaving across a double line on Peachtree Street. The cops say Jim Toth looked a mess and he smelled like a Lohan on any given day. While the cops gave Jim a sobriety test, Reese, who I'm guessing was also drunk as shit, hung out the window and told the officer that she didn't believe he was a real cop (HAHAHAHA!). The officer wrote in the police report that he told Reese, “to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

Reese didn't do that. When she got out of the car, the officer told her to get back in the car and she told him that she is a US citizen and has the right to stand on American ground. The cop then decided that he was not only going to arrest Jim Toth, but he was going to put Reese in handcuffs too. Reese put up a little struggle when he grabbed her arm to arrest her. The exchange between drunk ass Reese and the cop is a classic:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Jim blew a .139 on a Breathalyzer test and was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving. Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. They made bond and were released a few hours later. Reese is in Atlanta to shoot the movie The Good Lie.

Here I was thinking that Reese was as bland and boring as lukewarm tap water in a Dixie cup. But nope, it took just one story for me to learn that Reese is an entitled, snooty ass messy mess who's got her head shoved all the way up her culo. I kind of love it when a crack forms on a wholesome apple pie. The only thing that comes out of a trick using the "Do you know who I am?" line is that they'll forever be known as the trick who uses the "Do you know who I am?" line.

And I'm going to need Reese to reenact that entire scene with the cop as Vanessa Lutz. And I'm also going to need to see their mug shots, because you know that shit is a wreck.

UPDATE: YAAASS! And now, above is Reese's mug shot courtesy of Fox5. Even bitch's eyebrows look drunk. That's not the best part of the picture, though. The best part is that it's cut off and it looks like her name is Laura Jeanne Poon. From now on, I don't know who this Reese Witherspoon is, but I definitely know who Laura Jeanne Poon is.

Lindsay Lohan is currently living out the best decision of her life (served in a bong made of sarcasm) by trolling around the current Ecstasy capital of the world Coachella and in a few weeks she'll have to shuffle her ass into court-ordered rehab in the Hamptons. Because LiLo can never make anything easy and can't breathe unless she's sticking a thorn into somebody's ass lips, she's going to give the rehab staff a hard time as soon as she walks through the door.

TMZ says that LiLo was under the impression that she can keep downing Adderall while in rehab, but that isn't the case. LiLo claims she has ADHD (in LiLo's case that stands for attention-loving delusional ho disorder) and has to take Adderall at all times. But TMZ is hearing that Seafield Center isn't going to allow it and will make her turn in all of her Adderall when she checks in. Some source says that the Seafield Center allows their patients to take meds prescribed by a doctor, but they're forever side-eyeing Adderall. They're apparently going to try to wean LiLo off of Adderall by giving her a substitute that's less addictive. LiLo is telling her friends that if they try to rip her Adderall from her cold, freckled, demon claws, she'll quit that bitch in a second. And if she quits that bitch in a second, off to jail she goes!

Oh, please, they're not going to take away her Adderall. This is LiLo we're talking about. Bitch rules the world. When she checks in, the staff will softly ask her, "Um, your HIGHness, do you think that we can take your, um, Add-" She'll spit out "NO!" they'll say "OK!" and they'll give her all the Adderall she wants. They'll put an Adderall on her pillow during turn down service every night and they'll constantly fill the mint bowl in her room with Adderall. LiLo will start selling Adderall to the other patients and staff, and by the time she's out of there, everyone in there will be hooked on that shit! The makers of Adderall should really make that bitch a majority shareholder, because ho is keeping them in business.

41-year-old multi-millionaire hotelier Vikram Chatwal, better known as Lindsay Lohan's regular, was put into handcuffs at Florida's Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International Airport on Tuesday when his stupid ass tried to get onto an airplane with a whole lot of drugs shoved into his panties and carry-on. What an amateur. LiLo has never been more embarrassed, because she can shove half of Bolivia into her Chocha Full of Grace and easily walk by a drug-sniffing dog. The drug-sniffing dog's nose doesn't even twitch, but probably because it knows to hold its breath whenever she walks by.

Both People and TMZ say that TSA found 6 grams of heroin, coke, Xanax, weed, cat tranquilizers and other pills hidden in his crotch area and bag. Vikram didn't have a prescription for any of those drugs and he later admitted that he bought all of that shit illegally. The TSA handed him over to the Broward County Sherrif's Office and he was booked on one count of trafficking and seven counts of possession.

LiLo couldn't be reached for comment, because she was too busy scratching out Vikram's number from her black book. How can she be associated with a first degree dum-dum who didn't use the fool-proof "THAT'S NOT MY CROTCH! THAT'S NOT MY BAG!" excuse? But Michael Lohan was available for comment (duh) and he told Radar that he's really happy about this:

"I hope all the money in the world can’t get him out of this one. After seeing pictures of him in the past partying with Lindsay in the Dream Hotel it scares me to think that he had ketamine in his possession. I can only image what might have or would have happened to Lindsay with a sick person like this. Even worse, after communicating with Dina she has the nerve to actually defend Vikram. Birds of a feather flock together!”

Of course White Oprah's going to defend Vikram. You never bite the hand that feeds you coke. It's kind of funny, because  "I can only image what might happen to Lindsay with a sick person like this" is the same thing the nurse thought to herself when she handed over a baby LiLo to Michael Lohan.

Here's LiLo, Vikram and her other sugar daddy Domingo Zapata at some gallery show opening last year.

Next to video of a train derailing before crashing into the side of a building, this picture is the best visual definition of the current state of Lindsay Lohan's life. The people of São Paulo have been told to triple lock their bottles of booze and hide their valuables under bars of soap (she'll never look there), which means that Lindsay Lohan is in town. LiLo is currently in Brazil to collect a six figure check for promoting a clothing line called John John. TMZ posted this picture from Twitterer @orgastic-desire of LiLo mingling with the cigarette butts and other pieces of trash while hiding under the DJ table at a club. Mess.

TMZ says that LiLo was at the club for hours and when a bunch of people started asking her to take pictures with them, she refused and hid from them under the table.

Everybody should leave Lindsay Lohan alone. After a long, hard day of snatching bracelets and snorting mini bottles of vodka on a plane ride to Brazil, you too would want to take a quick, early morning disco nap on a comfortable concrete floor under a table at a club. Sometimes a mess just needs a quiet moment to herself to get her thoughts together (aka snort a line of the bad shit) in peace while sitting on a dried puddle of whiskey. A dried puddle of whiskey that probably has Syphilis now.

But really, who hasn't been there? If you replace that club with a suburban backyard, replace that black table with a plastic white lawn table from KMart, replace those stolen Louboutins with dollar store flip-flops and replace that glass of vodka masquerading as water with a cup of white wine and Mountain Dew, that'll be me this weekend!