The trailer for The Paperboy (aka the movie I'm hoping is 2012's biggest piece of trash) is finally here, and in case you already forgot what The Paperboy is about, let me remind you that's it's that mess of a movie where Nicole Kidman washes off of a layer of bronzer from Zac Efron's chest by pissing on him. That's all you need to know. There's also a plot in there somewhere, but who gives even one shit about that when you've got Nicole's coochie raining on Zac's face and Zac getting rained on again while swishing his hips in his chonies.
A little warning before you press play. Most of the butchered accents will make you wish Nicole Kidman would piss in your ears so you don't have to hear that crap, but let's focus on the positive like Nicole's white trash skank look. I know I've said this before, but this is the hottest the Australian ice cube has ever looked. She looks like a hybrid of my two favorite True Blood characters: Randi Sue the alley skank and Ginger. Nicole's hot look almost made me forget that her face is completely non-biodegradable. Watch the trailer below if you care:
MSNBC and a bunch of people on Twitter noticed that the members and future member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Wives Club all have something in common and it might give you nightmares of the number threeeeee. This is some creepy numerology shit.
Mimi Rogers, who started all the Sea Org fuckery by introducing Tommy to Scientology, was 31 when she became the first Mrs. Tom Cooze in 1987 and 33 when their marriage choked on a gay bullet and died in 1990. Mimi was 34 when their divorce was finalized.
Nicole Kidman was 23 when she married Tommy in 1990 and 33 when their 10-year contract ended in 2001. Nicole was 34 when her shackles officially came off after their divorce finalized.
Katie Holmes was 28 when she became the third bride of Scientology in 2006 and she's 33 now. If their divorce goes through after December, she'll be 34 when she's officially free.
So every one of Tommy's wives was 33 when they split and 34 when that shit finalized. THE FUCK? Is 33 the age when God finally feels sorry for Tommy's wife and wins her soul back in a rock, paper, scissor match with L. Ron Hubbard on a neutral planet (Neptune, obviously)? Does the mind control spell wear off when she's 33? And each Tommy wife is almost 11 years younger than the last one. If Tommy is shopping for a fourth beard wife already, then that means he's trolling the IMDB pages of all actresses born in 1989 or 1990. Hide yo 22-year-old actresses!
When I first read that in Lee Daniels' newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron's chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave "Nicole Kidman's Piss Stream" on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn't going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac's lip gloss-covered nipples, because she's not black.
"I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, 'She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.' I was like, 'Nah, man. She’s not black!' I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy."
The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn't for playing a character that wasn't black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren't trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels' Precious, Mo'Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don't know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you're high on meth. I'm not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.
And now I have the image of Mo'Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.
If your internet connection is going in and out this morning, that's because Kim Kardashian is furiously refreshing The Paperboy page on Fandango until the BUY TICKETS button comes up, because that bladder wine-loving heffa wants to buy ALL the tickets! If Lee Daniels' upcoming movie The Butler (co-starring Matthew McConaughey as John Fucking Kennedy) is going to be a major shit show, then his new movie The Paperboy is the piss stream before the dump. The Paperboy made its debut at Cannes this week and so far many of the critics have declared it a campy piece of utter shit. That means I can confidently say that The Paperboy is going to be my favorite cinematic masterpiss of 2012!
The Paperboy is based on the novel by Peter Dexter and follows two brothers, the Texas T-Rex and Zac Efron, as they investigate (Princess Zac as an investigator? HA!) the case of a death row inmate played by John Cusack. This is the part that is already making me hand over my credit card number to buy a ticket. Nicole Kidman plays a trashy, sex crazed tramp who is obsessed with John Cusack's character and wants to marry him. With Nicole's help, Zac and Matthew try to figure out if John Cusack committed the murder he was convicted of. Vulture says that in the scene where Nicole first meets John Cusack face-to-face, she is so horny for him that she rips off her pantyhose before her pussy explodes into a hand-free orgasm. Please tell me that after Nicole's coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, "Guuuurrrl, I'll have what she's having!"
As for that scene where Nicole R. Kellys Zac, I'll let Vulture give it to you:
Later in the movie, as Efron's romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.
Thank the Maybelline Gods for waterproof foundation, because if Zac's "maybe she's born with it" face got messed up in the making of that AFI-worthy moment, he would've had a hissy fit over that...pissy fit (sorry).
And I'm calling it right now. The Oscar goes to......Nicole Kidman's piss stream!
Here's Zac Efron still glowing from his golden shower facial at The Paperboy photocall with human marble pillar Nicole Kidman, Macy Gray, Matthew McConaughey and John Cusack.
If you're devastated by this news, then I'll wait here as you do the silent cry wall slide against a wall that isn't as hard as Nicole Kidman's forehead. All done? Okay, so The Hollywood Reporter is saying that ice cold ice queen Nicole Kidman is in talks to play ice cold ice queen Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco. Slap yourself with an ice dildo if you're calling it a biopic, because it's not a biopic. It will focus on a 6 month period in 1962 when Grace Kelly was 33 years old and trying to save Monaco from getting coup-ed up by France. The dude who directed La Vie en rose will also direct this.
My outrage over hos playing old time Hollywood legends in movies was used up on Lindsay Lohan leaving a freckled skid mark all over the image of Elizabeth Taylor, so I'm not mad at this. Yes, January Jones was born out of a block of ice to play this role, but there are a lot worse things in life than human tampon popsicle Nicole Kidman playing Grace Jones (typo and it stays for the visuals alone) in a movie. Something worse than that is using Head & Shoulders to fap in the shower. Don't do that unless your genitals are Botoxed like Nicole Kidman's face so you won't be able to feel a sting like no other.
The old-school look of the poster is doing it for me, but you can take Stoned Guy and John Cusack's Ted Bundy eyes out of it. Nic Kidman and Efron have GOT this, hunty! Yeah, she's supposed to be trying to morph her suspended animation face into "hot n' fun cougar" and he's trying to be a scaliwag young man aching to stick his dick in her. However, it actually reads as "boozy stage mom taunting her gay son over his asshole bleaching pain." I'd rather see THAT movie.
Nicole Kidman usually looks like an ice statue that's been wrapped in toilet porcelain, shellacked with a thick layer of Botox and dressed in clothes from a French toddler circa 1969, but it was a different story yesterday when she showed up to the New Orleans set of her new movie The Paperboy looking like this. The costume designer and hair hos working on that movie should just collect their awards now for transforming a human ice cube that fell out of a side freezer's vagina many years ago into a glamorous graveyard shift diner waitress who smells like White Rain hairspray, menthol butts, cotton candy Lip Smackers and a drunk trucker's moustache sweat. That is a bitch who always keeps several fake state IDs in her purse and knows which rest stop sinks have hot water for a more pleasurable whore bath experience.
It's like if Crystal Barbie (Sidenote: Mom, why didn't you ever get me a Crystal Barbie?!!) fell on hard times.
When Nicole is done with this movie, she hold on to those scuffed white Payless pumps and maintain that Courtney Stodden hair, because this is the look she was meant to have.
Here's more pictures from yesterday including a couple of a strung out, constipated John Cusack who I'm guessing is playing a walking version of Pee-wee Herman's mug shot.
Here's Nicole Kidman with her frosty locked husband at the CMT Awards last night just minutes after a striped velour couch barfed all over her sheer black slip while one of the My Little Ponies lived out its rope bondage fetish fantasy by tying up her feet. It's as if someone was making a Charlie Brown-inspired dress using old velour tracksuits when the power in the sweat shop factory got turned off and they had to stop halfway through.
But if we're going to play the Say Something Nice game, then I will say that I like the way her Sally's Beauty Supply clip-on bangs act like a safety curtain to protect us from the wall of Botox above her eyebrows. Her gelatin slug lips however....
All the goo goo ga ga-ing gossip amongst Beliebers around the diaper genie this morning was about Bieber Degeneres kissing on Selena de Rossi right after he beat out Kanye West for the most talented singing infant award at last night's BMAs. This is not the first time that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez touched mouths in front of a camera! And this time they did it in front of his mother while Selena wore a low-budget version of Demi Moore's ho dress from Indecent Proposal! Maybe I grew up in a prude bubble, but when I was 17 I barely touched my boyfriend's hand in front of my mom. This is not how your mother is supposed to find out that your raging hormones have officially taken over.
She's supposed to find out when she walks by his bedroom door and hears the frightening sounds of slurping and the murmurs of such sweet nothings like, "No, I think it goes in that one." Then she's supposed to run to her bathroom and collapse in tears on her shaggy bath mat over realizing that the innocent baby who came out of her vagina is now cumming in his girlfriend's vaginaaaaaaah! After the rage burns off her tears, she grabs a bottle of Windex, picks the lock on her son's bedroom door with a wire hanger and sprays both of them while covering her eyes and screaming about how she doesn't want to be a young grandma! As his little girlfriend runs out of the house half-nekkid, mom lets him know that they aren't allowed to see each other again or she'll delete his Black Ops game and he'll have to start all over again.
That's how it's supposed to go. How dare Justin Bieber rob his mother of such an important moment!
Besides Justin's mom, here's who witnessed young gross love in action last night: Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Fergie, Ke$ha, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN!, Joe Jonas, Pedolena Gomez and Bieber with a golden dildo.
Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"
You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.
Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.