The new chosen one has stepped onto the planet and knocked the halos right off of Brangelina's twin messiahs, and yet Jessica Simpson's baby is still baking in a puddle of trans fat in her womb. Beyonce barely had a dollop of anything on her stomach at her 9th month and it really looked like she was growing her baby in her damn wig, and then you've got Jessica who is giving us a whole of DAMN at 7 months. My eyes swole up just by looking at her. I bet Jessica doesn't even walk. Bitch stands really still and lets out a high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her a few feet. Then she takes a deep breath, stands really still and lets out another high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her another few feet. Bitch's got a motor in her ass.
Jessica came out big on Friday night for NBC's TCA Party where she was there to whore out her new fashion reality show with Nicole Richie. Jessica told reporters that you won't find her waddling around A Pea in a Pod, because she stays away from maternity clothes, "I buy bigger sizes, which is very important, but I haven't really gone to maternity clothes because I don't really love maternity stuff."
Who needs maternity clothes, anyway? It's easier just to lay out a black tarp, spray Jessica down with fried chicken grease and then roll her over that tarp with the help of a thousand villagers and the tree trunk of a mighty oak. Then they wrap her up, lift her up with a crane, throw a few pounds of sequins at her BOOM! Instant knocked up glamour! But seriously, Jessica really does look happy, which is more than I can say for the owners of every Korean all-you-can eat barbecue in the L.A. area who had to close up for 9 months after hearing that Jessica swallowing tin trays for two now.
UsWeekly has one picture from a couple of years ago of Nicole Richie's titty situation looking about as flat as the line that comes on the monitor when a ho hooks Parasite Hilton's snatch up to an EEG machine, and next to that they have a recent picture of Lionel Richie's child looking like a twin set of Ziploc bags slipped into her belly button hole and traveled north. Some source claims that Nicole Richie did something she say she'd never do! No, I'm not talking about Nicole going to a hot tub party at Parasite's house without bringing the melted butter for the soft-shell crotch crabs that float to the surface. I'm talking about getting a silicone injection to her chest.
The source says that Nicole is telling her friends that her chichis looked like two sunny side up microwaved eggs tacked to a cork board thanks to breastfeeding and so she took her nipples higher (or lower, depending on who did the job). The source went on to say, "In the past, she said she wanted a lift, though we never thought she was serious. She's been open about it to friends. The pregnancies took a toll. She said breast-feeding killed what boobs she did have!"
Maybe Nicole got her chest plumped or maybe BABIES!! and eating more than slivers of dust caused her breast situation to grow. Who knows. But the real lesson here is that eating is nothing but a good thing. It can take you from looking like a Tequila worm that got bit by a zombie to looking good. Like I've said before, don't eat for yourself, eat for your chichis! Or maybe I'm wrong as usual, and Nicole just got a good old-fashioned Bangkok titty slap.
This picture is for those of you who miss the days when Nicole Richie was skanky fat and when Jessica Simpson wore three different kinds of species on top of her head (bangs by alpaca, top weave by afghan hound and bottom weave by human).
Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson are both mentors/judges on a new Project Runaway wannabe reality show called Fashion Star and apparently they LOATHE (copyright: Our Lady of Perpetual Hydrangea Hate) each other. A source tells UsWeekly that as soon as the red light on the cameras go off, so does their knowledge that each other exists. There's more friction on the set than there is in Jessica Simpson's thigh zone.
The source said this is what Nicole thinks of Jessica:
"[Nicole] thinks Jessica doesn't have much of a high-fashion eye and makes snarky comments about Jessica's outfits."
This is what Jessica thinks of Nicole:
"[Jessica] really doesn't care what Nicole thinks. Nicole may know trends, but Jessica believes she know how to make clothes for all kinds of women."
This is what most of us think of the both of them: BOOOOOOOOOO!
I didn't like Nicole when she was in cahoots with the enemy (wonk up your eye and pick a crustacean out of your crotch if you need a clue as to who I'm talking about), but I don't mind her now. Nicole makes funny jokes and she doesn't seem to take herself too seriously. But during that mess Access Hollywood the other day, Billy Bush referred to her as a fashion icon. I know that Billy Bush's brains are powered by the same shit that powered Jill the Talking Doll, but FASHION ICON?! Copying everything in Mrs. Roper's wardrobe closet does not a fashion icon make. As for Jessica Simpson's ass....
Jessica is lucky that Papa Joe set her up with the right people who transformed the KFC chicken crumbs called her career into a $1 billion fashion empire.
Tonight is the Met's Costume Institute Gala (this year's exhibit is devoted to Alexander McQueen) where supermodels, movie stars and bitches who don't even belong at a costume party on Staten Island slip into dresses that cost thirty times more than the liquor & guns drive thru store in Texas I want to buy. Then they slobber on each other's nipples about how gorgeous they look before turning around and whispering to their assistant/culito wiper that they wouldn't even wear that shit as their menstruatin' dress.
And it wouldn't be a fashion gala without the Death Eaters' designer of choice Kunty Karl. Even though Kunty Karl had a bushel of stale and starched wheat at his side, he still managed to fill the air with the intoxicating scent of crushed dreams and boy toy saliva that wafts off of his glorious carcass. If you don't believe me, then just get a closer look at the woman behind him. Homegirl has got the vapors in a good way and just wants to lose her nose in Kunty Karl's coke white hair.
Or maybe she's falling asleep at the sight of Blake Lively in a half toga/half Cirque de Holeil leotard. Yeah, that's probably the culprit.
And here's a few other tricks who fell to their knees and put their lips on Kunty Karl's claws tonight. In order: Bradley Cooper with his hot mom, Kunty with Blake, Iman, Mary-Kate Olsen, MiserAlba, Jennifer Hudson, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Michelle Williams, Taylor Swift, Penny Cruz with Oscar de la Renta, Mick Jagger with L'Wren Scott, Nicole Richie and Squinty Zellweger.
This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he's in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, "HOLD IT IN!!!" Just uncomfortable as all hell.
Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he's just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly's trailer toilet. It's like he'd rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on...
You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she's pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.
But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.
Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.
Here's a few others at last night's event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.
Never mind Nicole Richie throwing an "Am I really going to marry a bitch from Good Charlotte?" look, because she did marry a bitch from Good Charlotte last night at her daddy's mansion. After being together for four years and making two babies together, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden said "Til Death or an InTouch cover story from a call girl proclaiming 'Joel Madden sent me sexy text messages!' does them part" in front of 130 friends and family in Los Angeles last night. UsWeekly says that guests included Khloe Kardashian, Samantha Ronson and an elephant. Since Parasite Hilton couldn't make it, she sent the elephant in her place so she could be there in aroma (no offense to the elephant's anus).
Nicole's best friend Masha Gordon was her maid of honor and her daughter Sad Clown Baby was the flower girl. Nicole apparently wore a Marchesa wedding gown constructed by an army of twee mice with paws small enough to handle the teeny tiny threads of silk on her dress which was probably the size of a bunny's condom. And to honor her father, Nicole Richie placed a giant Lionel Richie clay head in the middle of every table. Now that is a centerpiece to knock a granny over for:
Anyway, congrats to Nicole and Joel and blah blah blah... This calls for a HAMSTER DANCE!
And that's probably EXACTLY what Benji Madden looked like when he tried to get his beat on last night.
I can forgive the poly-blend platinum disaster on Xtina's head that makes her look like she's about to check into the halfway house for Hugh Hefner's cast-off whores. I can also look past the fact that the color of her skin has even got Snooki saying, "Calm down on the naranja, bitch." And I don't even mind that her air kisses are probably made of castor oil and sponsored by MAC. But the one thing that I cannot ignore is THOSE EYEBROWS! Eyebrows ashy and sad for no reason!
Hook those brows up to an IV filled with Skin So Soft, and tell them it's going to be okay. Those are some orphan child brows. Xtina's brows are saying to me, "Please sir, I want some more." More moisture that is, because they are looking parched! It's like those thirsty brows have been crawling through the desert and licking on anything for moisture (examples: scorpion piss, camel sweat...)
How are you going to spend hours slathering your skin with orange shit until you look like the clit on an oven roasted chicken, but not spend any time with your brows? Those poor things are praying to the gods above that Xtina's tarantula lashes swallow them up whole. "Put us out of our misery" brows. How dreadful.
But luckily for Xtina, not many people at the LACMA event last night noticed her dire straits brows. Everybody made themselves a plate, covered it in foil and went home as soon as they saw this vision hit the red carpet:
When Joan Collins shows up, you immediately go home to cry yourself to sleep over the fact that you will never be as glamorous as she is. So as soon as Xtina's brows get out of ICU, she should send Joan a thank you letter.
Here's some others who weeped at their own homeliness after laying eyes on Joan: Nicole Richie, Kim Kardassian with her pimp, Jaclyn Smith and James Franco.
It was just a few years ago that Nicole Richie was picking Paris Hilton's crotch crustaceans out of her eyes from sleeping next to her during The Simple Life, and now she's all grown up with two chirruns and a new fiance! Meanwhile, Parasite is still blowing cum bubbles out of her ass. Some useless whores never change.
Joel confirmed the news on his Twitter last night: "Yep. i'm engaged. Very happy. Yeah we've been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same." But a few beats later, Joel erased it and wrote this: "Just woke up. I'm screwed. Oh boy."
YES, Joel! You really fucked this one in the ear. You were supposed to announce it on the cover of OK! Magazine. And now your check is going to be missing a zero. Thanks to you!
But seriously, Nicole also silently let the puss out of the bag when she showed up to Letterman last night with a big shiny rock on her finger (evidence below)
A source-type tells UsWeekly that they are planning the wedding for this summer.
Nicole and Joel have been together for over 3 years, so they had a good run. Now that they are getting married, they can finally know what it's like to completely hate each other. Because like my mom's thrice-divorced drunk friend says, as soon as you slip that band on your finger you suddenly become annoyed by the loud sound of your husband peeing (SPOILER ALERT: she's a bitch). Sounds fun!
When most of us first met Nicole Richie back in the old days she was built like a succulent Cornish Game Hen with extra juice. But shortly after she hooked up with life sucker Rachel "Chupa" Zoe, she shrunk faster than a dick after sex. Some hos thought her "Feed the Children" body was the result of an eating disorder. But Nicole is shitting on those claims again in the new issue of Marie Claire UK, and thinks it was very irresponsible for bitches to think that.
Nicole said, "I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible. An eating disorder is serious and it's a disease. I think when you see me in person, you see that I'm, like, five foot one - I’m a small person.When I was heavier, everyone said I was too heavy. You can't win in the public eye and I find it really hard. So I ignore it now, I really do."
When Nicole was running around with the body of a dehydrated Mr. Burns, part of me did think she was barfing up her meals into Ziploc bags and storing them in her walk-in-closet (don't watch that episode of Intervention). But the bigger part of me just figured it was from the Parasite Hilton in her life. Bitch is like a tape worm.
Or the better question would be, why does Nicole Richie hate herself so much?
So, Nicole is currently working on her own scripted comedy series for ABC. Nicole is planning to star in that shit as some business woman (copyright: Lisa Wu Hartwell) trying to juggle her professional life with her personal life. Think Ally McBeal but with a different skinny ho in the title role.
All that sounds fine and everything, but now The National Enquirer (via M&C) is saying that Nicole wants Asshole Simpson to be her co-star. This must be the work of the DEVIL (better known to you and me as Papa Joe).
A source said, "Nicole adores Ashlee, and she truly believes in her talent.With few other prospects on the horizon, Ashlee - who desperately wants to establish herself as an actress - was feeling down until Nicole stepped up."
Take a can of RAID to this mess! Ashlee barely got evicted from our TV screens and Nicole wants to drag her back to torture us more with her pube-pulling acting skills. There must be more to this. Maybe Nicole really wants to make into the Guinness World Records for having a TV show that was canceled before the promos even hit YouTube. If that's the case, Nicole is definitely on track.
Here's the bomb in Nicole's soon-to-be TV show strolling around NYC with Bronx Mowgli and Pete Wentz.