This week's issue of UsWeekly must be their annual comedy issue and I'm guessing they let Pimp Mama Kris guest edit it, because this is even more hilarious than Mrs. Doubtfire shading Kim Karcouchian on Twitter.
Over a week ago, the Kartrashian family wanted to spend some quality time in the sun with their favorite things in the world, the cameras, so they shot a vacation episode of Throwing Up with the Kartrashians in Greece. Sadly, Poseidon didn't return to Greece to spin a whirlpool under the Kardashian's yacht, sending them back to Hades, but something good did come out of their tip to Greece. I'm talking about this cover.
Ever since PMK's future money maker started growing and growing and growing in Kim's womb, some have said that she's looking like a sausage trying to escape out of its casing and that's mainly because of the ridiculous crap that Kanye throws on her body. So Kim ripped off the leather dresses and showed the haters her knocked up body. I'm all for a fame whore freeing her body of the leather sausage casing that binds her, but that picture should have the words "The Brothers Grimm Presents..." over it, because that body is a fairy tale. If you're going to show it, show it.
But in PMK's defense, if Photoshop wasn't involved in the making of that cover, then she'd lose her title as the master of fakery.
And thanks to the cover of Vanity Fair's June issue, we now know what you would get if you uploaded a picture of David Spade, Keith Urban, Jeff Bridges, a packed bong and a happy Golden Retriever into one of those baby morphing websites.
VF put Shiloh's man twin on the cover, because their issue's main story is all about how it took $200 million and a whole lot of reshoots to turn World War Z into a movie. That mess of a movie finished shooting in late 2011, but when everybody sat down and watched the director's cut, they realized that they had the second coming of Ishtar on their hands and the entire ending needed to be flushed down the toilet. They brought Damon Lindelof and Drew Goddard in to rewrite the ending and they reshot the last 40 minutes of the movie. Here's a piece from writer Laura M. Holson's piece on all the fuckery that went down during production:
In her revealing report, Holson also speaks to director Marc Forster and Paramount executives Marc Evans and Adam Goodman about the many problems that plagued the set—which included re-writing and reshooting 40 minutes of the film to find a coherent ending—and, most astonishingly, how the budget ballooned to around $200 million.
While closing down the production in Malta, for instance, the wrap-up crew found a stack of purchase orders related to the cast and extras that had been casually tossed into a desk drawer and forgotten; the amount totaled in the millions of dollars. Marc Evans, president of production at Paramount, was shocked. He calls the overages an “unthinkable action” which needed to be addressed immediately. “It was literally insane. Adam [Goodman, president of the Paramount Film Group] and I believed we’d gotten out of Malta good, and I found out we weren’t. That is a nightmare.”
When it came time to watch the director’s cut, Holson reports, the room was silent. “It was, like, Wow. The ending of our movie doesn’t work,” says Evans. “I believed in that moment we needed to reshoot the movie.” After 10 minutes of polite discussion, everyone left. “We were going to have long, significant discussions to fix this,” he recalls thinking.
World War Z is supposed to come out in June (if they don't push it back again), but if you really can't wait to see Brad Pitt handle a zombie, just look at these pictures for now. And Brad Pitt looks so twinkly-eyed and happy in that picture. It's almost like they got him to light up by waving a pot cupcake at him. (That's exactly what they did.)
Every line of code in every one of Playboy's copies of Photoshop is overworked and temporarily broken, because they slaved away on this cover starring Formula One heiress and Bernie Ecclestone's daughter Tamara Ecclestone. The cracked rhinestone that thinks she's a priceless diamond posed as a precious jewel on the cover of Playboy and she tells E! that she's so proud and honored to be one of the world's most beautiful women:
"I am so proud of this beautiful shoot. As a woman, I believe you have to embrace your body, and feel beautiful both inside and out! Playboy is so iconic, and for nearly 60 years, the magazine has featured some of the world's most beautiful women in its pages. I am extremely honored to be part of this legacy as the magazine's May cover girl!"
But are you really on the cover of a magazine if they Photoshop your face so much that it doesn't even look like you? It's like they erased all of Tamara's facial features and started again. On another note, I'm mad at Playboy for not using a pun for their cover line. That cover line should've been, "Yesterday, Today and Tamara!" or "Tamara Never Comes!"
You know, I kind of like this 14k twat, because she's so damn bold. Tamara's sister Petra spent $85 million of her trust fund on the Spelling mansion and so Tamara is trying to outdo that bitch. Tamara recently looked at a $95 million, 35,000 square foot mansion in Holmby Hills and she told her broker that it's "too small." Hahahaha. How can she act like a $95 million estate isn't good enough for her when her $2 tit job looks like it was done in a garage by a disgraced plastic surgeon whose license was revoked? But you know, a 35,000 square foot house is too small for her, because she's going to need more space to house all of her delusions.
And here's some pictures of a non-Photoshopped Tamara with her dude in Miami last month.
For the second time in the history of Vogue and the second time in the history of Michelle Obama, Michelle Obama is on the cover of Vogue. The pictures were shot by Annie Leibovitz and if Annie Leibovitz got her way, FLOTUS (Side note: Every time I hear or read the term FLOTUS, I always have to ask myself, "Wasn't Flotus a character in She-Ra?") would've been posing naked in a tub full of milk or some crap like that. Annie Leibovitz wanted to do it the Annie Leibovitz way. But FLOTUS rolled her eyes at that, because she has to keep things dignified and also because the milk in the tub wasn't fat-free. Let's move!
The cover isn't working for me at all and it isn't because they were a little heavy with the Photoshop and it's also not because her hair makes her look like the lost member of The Ramones. It's because she's sitting on a damn table! Now, I'm a total piece of unpolished trash and the last person who should be ranting about etiquette, but this is the First Lady. The First Lady shouldn't be leaning against or sitting on a table. I need Edward Lewis from Pretty Women to tell Michelle Obama that there's four other chairs here. There's a reason why they're called tables and not stools!
And how is she going to sit on a table that's got a glass vase full of flowers on it?! What if she sat on that table a little too much and that glass vase fell off and broke on the floor? The sound of breaking glass would've made the Secret Service bust into the room and they would've thrown their bodies on Michelle Obama while shooting at everyone else in there. And it would've been because somebody just had to tell Michelle Obama to sit on a table. I bet it was Annie Leibovitz's idea. ARREST HER NOW!
Jennifer Lawrence's face became the new face of Dior recently and in her first ads for Dior purses, they gave her the regular old Photoshop treatment they give everybody. Jennifer Lawrence looks like Jennifer Lawrence if they filled her pores with spackle, sanded her down completely, put several coats of thick primer on her, poured liquid porcelain clay on her, fired her up in a kiln for a few minutes and then let her cool off before covering her in baby powder.
The humanized animatronic teddy bear of Access Hollywood that is Billy Bush showed Jennifer Lawrence her pictures for Dior at the Oscars on Sunday and she let it be known that shit was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. Jennifer then said that she loves Photoshop so much that she just wants to dry it up, stick in her bong and smoke it after downing a bottle of red wine. Jennifer Lawrence said this:
"That doesn't look like me at all. I love Photoshop more than anything in the world. Of course that's Photoshop. People don't look like that."
That's not what Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say! Who the hell trained her ass? Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say that they only used a little bit of makeup on her and they shot her in natural light and she pretty much looks like that in person. Mimi is about to slap a bitch, because Jennifer Lawrence is unveiling her secrets!
Harper's Bazaar China must've decided that looking human is so out for March and it's all about looking like a dragon alien who covered itself in wax and the manes of a dozen horses. The headline already gives away who this is, but if I told you this was a feline pony alien from Pandora who has come to earth to make us humans its slaves, you'd probably just shrug and welcome our new feline pony alien overlords. This seriously looks like something straight out of the mind of James Cameron. Harper's Bazaar China used and broke every damn copy of Photoshop they had. If I stare at it long enough, it doesn't even look like a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker taken with an actual camera. It looks like a caricature portrait of a Thundercat sketched by one of those sidewalk artists.
I don't know what's going to haunt my nightmares more: the way her Photoshopped face is looking at us like "I will stick your soul in a feed bag and nibble on it slowly" or her claw. The hell did they to her pinky? Harper's Bazaar China hates human and they really hate pinkies.
Because Khloe Kardashian was busy hunting the woods for wart hogs to sacrifice to her kreator and Scott Disick was busy douching out his b-hole with Drakkar Noir, they both had to be Photoshopped into the Kardashian's annual assault on the holidays. Nothing says "family togetherness" like being Photoshopped into your family Christmas card. Last year's theme was "A Bunch of Plastic Tits," the year before's theme was "Konstipated Ghouls" and this year's theme must be "Tampon Ads in Hell" or "Devils in White."
When you go to the afterworld and step out of the elevator, not knowing if it went up or down, and see this image before, don't be fooled by all the happiness and white. If you look closely, you'll see their dead souls and dead eyes. You're not in heaven, you're in the bottom bowels of Hell. You were tricked! I really don't know what's more hilarious, Kim's Predator hair, Scott's amateur Barbizon pose or Bruce Jenner looking like a late-in-life lesbian at a beachside commitment ceremony (read: Bruce has never looked hotter). Kanye Kardashian isn't there, but it was nice of the family to pay homage to him by dressing up like maxi-pads and tampons.
And poor Mercy (RIP), even all the Photoshop in the world couldn't wipe away her permanent miseryface:
But kudos to the photographer for making the entire family look happy by screaming out, "SAY MONAY!"
During a meeting to talk about the ad campaign for Madge's new bottle of stank Truth or Dare Naked, I'm sure they all played a game of Truth or Dare. Madge dared the graphic artist to break every bone in his hands and strain every last nerve in his fingers by spending hours upon hours and days on end Photoshopping a naked ass picture of her into another dimension. Or maybe she dared them to use a 20-year-old picture from her Sex book as the ad.
This picture doesn't even look real to me. If you told me it was a pencil sketch that Jack Dawson did while visiting a strip club in Mordor, I wouldn't call you a liar. But that said, I bet Madge doesn't look far from this in person. Madge works out about 29 hours a day, she gets her face pulled weekly and every day before she leaves the house, her minions prime, paint and shellac every inch of her skin. I bet that black outline around her body is real too. That black outline of evil is the final sign that Madge is about to sink her teeth into the nutsack of a barely legal boy dancer.
If it wasn't for that People logo sitting in the corner, you'd probably think this picture was from a Playgirl magazine spread circa 1989 or a picture of Mr. July in Bel Ami's "Porn Bottoms of the Past" calendar. But no, this is one of People's Sexiest Men Alive, Ryan Lochte, just doing a little posing before taking his Doberman out for a sexy boat ride. The Photoshop in this one is ALIVE. I don't know if I should blame Ryan or Photoshop for that uneven self-tanner situation, those toddler bangs and the severe lack of bulge. Couldn't they use the Jon Hamm tool on Ryan's crotch area? It's not right that his Olympic ring tattoo has three dicks, but he looks like he has not a one.
But who needs a bulge when you've got a dog as a wingman? Ryan told People that his Olympic gold medals don't lure the ladies in, his dog does:
"He is a good wingman because he's a beautiful dog. Girls come up to me and go, 'Oh my god, where's Carter? He's so good looking!' He's my best friend and I love him. I just need to take him wherever I go and I'll be set."
I was going to say that it must be really weird for Carter watching Ryan strike an awkward pose like this, but that dog is probably used to it. Ryan sleeps like this and lies on the couch like this. You never know when a Playgirl photographer is going to bust through the door, so you should always be pose-ready.
If I could read dog minds through a still picture, I'd probably hear Carter say, "No, bitch, I'm not going to paint you like one of my French girls. Stop asking and stop doing that."
Serving up some "broken condom baby of the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy" realness, Taylor Swift is Photoshopped to Oz and back on the cover of Glamour's hair issue, and during the interview with the magazine they asked her if the Lisa Frank glitter sticker she calls a heart felt sadness over what John Mayer said about her.
Summer's Eve came out with a new scent called John Mayer's tears earlier this summer, because he got wet in the eyes from that tramp Taylor not telling him that her song "Dear John" was about him. Taylor only kisses and tells in song form, so she didn't say much when Glamour asked about shooting a musical arrow straight into John's empty douche bottle of a heart:
On how John Mayer told Rolling Stone his David Duke dick was the inspiration for the song Dear John: "How presumptuous! I never disclose who my songs are about."
On if she wants to know what John had to say about the song: "No! I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know. I know it wasn't good, so I don’t want to know. I put a high priority on staying happy, and I know what I can't handle. It's not that I'm this egomaniac and I don’t want to hear anything negative, because I do keep myself in check. But I've never developed that thick a skin. So I just kind of live a life, and I let all the gossip live somewhere else. If you go too far down the rabbit hole of what people think about you, it can change everything about who you are."
On how she's side-humping some barely legal boy to get into the Kennedy family: "I don’t talk about my personal life in great detail. I write about it in my songs, and I feel like you can share enough about your life in your music to let people know what you're going through."
On people thinking she's a Strawberry Shortcake character come to life: "I think some people think it's just apple pie and sunshine and sprinkles and ponies. Which is just funny. But I never feel the need to go out and make some grand statement that I'm dark and twisty and complicated, because I'm not that either. It's just not as simple as ponies and rainbows, though I do love ponies and rainbows."
"How presumptuous"? Either Taylor is having a laugh or bitch wants all of us to burn calories by rolling our fat eyeballs. The song is called DEAR JOHN. The only way it would be more obvious that it's about John Mayer is if the song's title was Dear Dick Turd Who Gave Me Crabs.
I can't fully hate Taylor Swift for this, though, because she turned the crabs John gave her into a song that probably made her millions. I also can't fully hate on Taylor's exes for being mad about her blasting their asses in a shitty song. Because there's probably nothing more painful than shopping in a Walgreens when the song Taylor Swift wrote about you comes on the speakers and reminds you that you once skipped with her through a lavender field before carving your initials into a giant tree trunk. No, that's not a euphemism. Bitch really makes you skip through a lavender field and carve her initials into a giant tree trunk before she takes them off panties off.
Here's everyone's least favorite American Girl doll shooting a video in Paris today.