Ray J

After watching Ray J's trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called "I Hit It First" and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian's big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don't know who's trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should've spent less of the video's $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should've laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that's just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there's the Kartrashian's vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians' yacht and she didn't do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it's okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don't know.  I'm not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I'll stare at this picture and try to figure out who's winning the battle to the biggest, Kim's bump or ass?

Brandy's little brother yanked at Kanye West's Givenchy butt plug today by tweeting the cover of his new single (yeah, he still makes those) "I Hit That First." In case Kanye didn't know, Ray-J is letting him know that his neck pillow dick hit Kim's sugar walls first. Somebody somehow figured out that the cover of Ray-J's single is a pixelated version of this picture.

I don't know whether let out a million laughs or quench Ray J's thirst by giving him a plastic trash can full of Pedialyte. I'm surprised Ray J didn't take the fuckery all the way by using a current day picture of Kim and calling his single "I Hit It When There Were Less Pixels." Kanye is way too busy shopping for leather kilts and getting his b-hole lips gilded to even throw a side-eye at this mess.

And I was going to say that Pimp Mama Kris is probably going to shake Ray J down for a cut of the profits, but what profits?

Kris Humphries is currently trying to legally shut his ex-piece, Myla Sinanaj, up, because she's selling all the text messages he sent her about his fake marriage to Kim Kuntrashian. Myla claims that Kris told her she was the love of his life and he couldn't wait to get his divorce from Kim out of the way so they could be together. This screws with Kris' money, because he's suing Kim for playing with his innocent heart and defrauding him by only using him for a publicity stunt. (Nobody has ever accused Kris Humphries' caveman shit brain of producing anything but DUHs.)

Most of the shit Myla has been saying about Kris and Kim isn't that surprising, but nothing is more unsurprising than what he told her about Kim's sex tape with Ray J. TMZ says that Myla claims Kris told her that whore master Pimp Mama Kris ordered Kim to fuck her way to fame by making that tape with Ray J. The first cut wasn't good enough for Pimp Mama Kris so she ordered reshoots. Say what you want about Pimp Mama Kris, but she really does care about the cinematic integrity of her daughter's fuck time tape. TMZ's source puts it like this:

Kris Humphries trashed Kim Kardashian and her family in conversations and text messages to his former girlfriend, Myla Sinanaj ... telling her Kris Jenner not only directed Kim to shoot her sex tape, but to re-shoot because Kris J didn't think the first one was pretty enough.

A source close to the Kuntrashians (see: Pimp Mama Kris) calls this a lie, but I believe every word of it and no lies are detected. But what gets me is if they did reshoots, what did the first tape look like? I've seen more emotion in the faces of the plastic toys my dog humps than I did while watching Kim get her appendix poked out by Ray J's boomerang dick. Bitch just lays there like a constipated walrus trying to push out a much-needed fart. Maybe Kim was even deader in the first one and it classified as necrophilia porn, so PMK scrapped it. Actually, the second one counts as necrophilia porn too, because PMK sold Kim's soul to the devil long before that tape was made.

Here's PMK's #1 ho and her #2 ho Kanye Kardashian going to some restaurant in Paris yesterday.

The audience sitting in the first few rows at the Billboard Music Awards last night witnessed a dramatic mess of a show when Whitney Houston's sister-in-law and former manager, Pat Houston, caused a scene by trying to get security to psychically remove Ray-J's ass from his seat. Ray-J was seated near the Houston family including Bobbi Kristina, and Pat wasn't having any of that. TMZ says that Pat believes Ray-J was a shit influence on Whitney and wanted him far, far away from the Houston family. Just like Ray-J'z boomerang dick when it gets caught on a cervix, he was not pulling out easily. Ray-J refused to move.

Just a quick minute before the Whitney Houston tribute started, Pat waved at security to move Ray-J. When Ray-J refused to move, Pat got a few uniformed officers involved and told them to use their arms to put Ray-J up out of his seat. Security and the officers told Pat that if they put their hands on Ray-J, it could explode into a huge scene and the cameras would catch all of it. So Pat let it go and Ray-J stayed in his seat.

I haven't heard much about Pat Houston, but from what I have heard it sounds like bitch could out-leach Ray-J any day of the week. I don't like Ray-J, because his piss stream christened the S.S. Kardashian Fame Whore Ship and he always wears sunglasses at night like he's someone (see him with Sophie Monk below), but trying to evict him from his seat is just stupid. It's the Billboard Music Awards! It's not that serious. The only reason to pull Ray-J off his seat is if seat filler extraordinaire Phoebe Price needed one.

Pat was probably just worried that Ray-J's dumb ass would get more camera time than her. But don't worry, Pat made sure that wasn't going to happen by escorting Bobbi Kristina up on stage to accept her mother's award.

If anybody should be up there with Bobbi Kristina, it should be Cousin Dionne! But maybe Cousin Dionne was outside, slathering Vaseline on her face while waiting to jump Ray-J.

I'm not paging Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. I'm paging Detective La Toya so she can throw a net over Bobby Brown's sister and drag that trick to the Ho Sit Down section of the auditorium. Please and gracias.

Two seconds after Whitney Houston died, Bobby Brown's sister Leolah Brown started wrapping her mouth around every reporter's mic. So of course, two seconds after the L.A. County Coroner's office said that Whitney died of an accidental drowning possibly caused by heart failure and cocaine use, Leolah Brown wrapped her mouth around Dr. Drew's mic last night to say she knew it all along. Leolah thinks Ray J gave Whitney a bag of the bad shit that was extra bad. Detective La Toya, this bitch ain't:

"When I first seen this and saw the news, and I saw, I'm sorry, please excuse me, I just have to come out and say this. I saw Ray J coming out of the hotel, hiding his head, being pushed into the car... Why? I looked and I said, 'Why is he hiding? Why is he hiding his face?' He's always trying to show his face when he's around Whitney. Why now? Why are you trying to hide now, Ray J? And I put it altogether. When I first heard that she passed away I said, 'My God, somebody gave her a bad bag.' Yes, I promise you. That was the first thing that came out of my mouth."

Correction, Leolah. The first thing that came out of your mouth was, "Hello, National Enquirer? Before we get started, let me give you the address of the Western Union closest to me..."

Ray J tells TMZ that the shit Leolah is claiming is impossible. Ray J didn't even know Whitney was on the bad shit again and he says he was in San Diego the day she died.

This is like shades of Michael Jackson all over again. I can't trust Ray J, because his dick can't even look me in the eye. I can't trust Leolah, because I'm pretty sure she stole that headband from my sister who bought it in 1991 at a Judy's. The only thing I can trust is to never use Ray J as my runner boy, but I already knew that. And yes, when this bitch said "bad bag" I totally pictured THIS.