Reality TV

If you just said out loud, "Who is Blair Warner", then please quit the fifth grade immediately (because the only reasonable explanation for not knowing who Blair Warner is that you're like 10 years old) and educate yourself on the history of Blair Warner by watching reruns of The Facts of Life on The Hub all day. It is the only education you need.

Blair Warner was always my favorite Facts of Life trick, because she was a snobby rich bitch who was the OG (Original GOOP) and probably lezzed out with Jo from time to time. Lisa Whelchel, who played Blair for the entire run, pretty much quit Hollywood after The Facts of Life ended and became a stay-at-home mom and good Christian wife. When Lisa isn't homeschooling her kids or spreading the word of the lord on her website, she's writing parenting books and one of the parenting books she wrote a few years ago got a lot of hate. Hating bitches called it Mommie Dearest II and said that the forms of punishment Lisa uses on her kids are like air kisses to Child Protective Services. Here's a piece from my favorite customer review from Barnes & Noble:

In the Whelchel household, big people can hit little people (although Whelchel insists on using the euphemism 'spanking' rather than admitting the plain fact that she does indeed physically hit her children). She even forces her children to recite little rote memorized prayers thanking God for blessing them a Mommy who spanks. (p. 265) But one gets the distinct impression that in the Whelchel household, spankings are designed to meet Mommy's needs and serve Mommy's convenience, not the child's a good example on page 287 has Whelchel's daughter coming downstairs after her bedtime to complain of pains in her legs. But Lisa Whelchel's immediate response is simply to threaten her with a spanking for being out of bed. But while big people can hit little people, little people, despite the violent behavior modeled to them by their elders, may not hit each other. When they do, Whelchel recommends forcing the hitter to wear boxing gloves the entire day without taking them off. When the child has difficulty performing routine tasks such as brushing teeth or eating, Whelchel exhorts her readers to further humiliate the child by making a home video of the spectacle.

That's our Blair Warner! And now Blair Warner will be finding ways to restrain herself from using her spanking hand on all the overgrown brats on Survivor: Philippines. CBS announced the full cast today and it includes Blair, former Dodger Jeff Kent, a sex therapist and a lesbian from Arkansas.

This is going to be a mess and I really hope that at one point, Lisa entertains her tribe mates by giving them an acoustic beach version of her hit song Good Girl:

Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel have been on Oprah, were in Life magazine, were the stars of a totally Photoshopped picture one of them giving a beej while the other one sort of hung out, and now they're FINALLY getting their time under the reality show spotlight thanks to you know who: TLC. The hole that burned into my heart when Lori & George stepped out of the spotlight has now been filled with Abby & Brittany.

TLC's cameras follow the 22-year-old two-for-one twins as they begin their post-college life and take a trip to Europe. Yes, Abby and Brittany look happier than all of us and their story is pretty inspirational, but since we're mature adults who constantly ask tactful questions, we're all wondering the same thing: "How many coochies do they have? Who gets to have the orgasm? If one swallows, will the other one spit it back up?" Well, Wiki answered some of my questions.

Each twin has control of one side of their body and sense of touch is restricted to her side of the body. Wiki gets extra detailed by listing how many organs Abby & Brittany have:

2 heads
2 spines merging at the coccyx and joined at the thorax by sections of ribs. Surgery was employed to correct scoliosis.
2 completely separate spinal cords
2 arms (originally 3, but rudimentary central arm was surgically removed, leaving central shoulder blade in place)
1 broad ribcage with 2 highly fused sternums and traces of bridging ribs. Surgery was employed to expand the pleural cavities.
2 breasts
2 hearts in a shared circulatory system (nutrition, respiration, medicine taken by either affects both)
4 lungs with the medial lungs moderately fused, not involving Brittany's upper right lobe; three pleural cavities
1 diaphragm with well-coordinated involuntary breathing, slight central defect
2 stomachs
2 gallbladders
1 liver, enlarged and elongated right lobe
Y-shaped small intestine, which experiences a slightly spastic double peristalsis at the juncture
1 large intestine with one colon
3 kidneys: 2 left, 1 right
1 bladder
1 set of reproductive organs
2 separate half-sacrums, which converge distally
1 slightly broad pelvis
2 legs

And now TLC is the only channel I need in my life thanks to Honey Boo Boo Chile and now Abby & Brittany. And if you're a pair of pregnant redneck conjoined teen twins who are former child beauty queens and own a cake shop that caters only to little Amish people, call TLC, because your dream of being on The Soup every week can come true!

via ONTD

The Internet collectively barfed earlier this week when the exquisite iguana goddess that is Courtney Stodden announced on Twitter that she's taking time out from her busy schedule of doing nothing to shoot her own reality show. I didn't pay that much attention to that highly important news, because I figured that her reality show would be shot on an iPhone by Doug Hutchison and would probably air after Robin Byrd on Public Access. If that. But now TMZ is saying that after months of Courtney and Doug hitting the ho stroll to beg for a reality show, their fame whore dreams are finally coming true thanks to Vh1. Courtney and Doug have checked into the new season of Vh1's Couples Therapy. It's times like this when I wish that Vh1 had a show called Celebrity Mental Hospital.

TMZ says that 17-year-old Courtney and 52-year-old Doug will work out their "marital problems" in front of the cameras for the next few weeks. Some source (aka Courtney's pimp of a mom) says that Courtney and Doug's marital problems have everything to do with their age difference and all the attention (that they've whored to get) their relationship has gotten.

"Marital problems" is a really funny way of saying, "We just moved Doug's butt plug a little to the right to reach in and pull out some fake problems we can say we have to get on reality TV." Well, the bad news is that the goddess iguana and her gay husband's 15 seconds of fame have been extended to 16. The good news is that at least we'll have a million more GIFs of Courtney looking like a dehydrated lizard having a seizure while trying to catch flies. Think of the positive!

And the next reality show Courtney stars on needs to be an episode of People's Court. Shauna Sand needs to sue that trick for copyright infringement for continuing to stuff her lizard claws in lucite heels. Courtney's toes are always hanging off of her heels, because they want to get as far away as possible from messing with the Empress of Lucite.

Yes, much-anticipated! Dozens of unlicensed pharmacists in the Long Island area have been anticipating for White Oprah to finally get a job so they can get paid the way they did during the glory days of Living Lohan.

White Oprah's sedated face will not only make an appearance on one reality show, but it will make an appearance on two. White Oprah needs to star in an episode of Intervention and a few episodes of TLC's Cell Block 6: Female Lock Up, but in the meantime she's shooting episodes of Vh1's Hollywood Exes and a yet to be picked up show called DramaMamas.

Vh1 has Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Mob Wives, Hip Hop Wives, Drug Dealer Wives, Veterinary Assistant Wives, Ping Pong Champions Wives, Mail Man Wives, Blah Blah Wives and now they have Hollywood Ex-Wives! TMZ says that Hollywood Exes stars the ex pieces of Prince, R. Kelly, Jose Canseco, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith. White Oprah isn't a regular on that mess, but the producers brought her in to spice shit up. You know, because every reality show needs a comic relief who will get caught licking up the leftover booze in a bar back's bin and whose catchphrase will be, "Are you going to drink that?"

DramaMamas is basically a Dance Moms knock-off and Zap2It says the show will follow the moms of the child stars of a Broadway-bound musical. White Oprah is apparently one of the producers of the musical, because nothing needs to make sense anymore, so why not? But seriously, nothing good can come out of White Oprah producing a show starring children. I'm sure that for the show's big finale, the adorable children will dance into the audience and sneakily steal the audience members' rings and watches before dropping that shit into a giant sack held by White Oprah.

I'm happy that White Oprah is finally making a little money, which means she won't sell little Cody Lohan's internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why in the hell hasn't Nana Lohan gotten her own show yet?!

Tonya Cooley of The Real World: Chicago and a thousand editions of that Real World/Road Rules Challenge mess has thrown a lawsuit at MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions and her co-stars Kenny Santucci (left) and Evan Starkman (right) for the alleged sexual abuse she suffered while shooting a challenge in Thailand. One of those acts of sexual abuse involved the thing you used to scrub the sleep jank off of your teeth this morning. Yes, this is what happens when people stop being polite. They rape you with a damn Oral-B.

TMZ says that Tonya's lawsuit claims that while she was passed out, Kenny and Evan stole another dude's toothbrush and used it to brush her labia lips and even put it in her vagina. Tonya says that the cameras caught every bit of her getting toothbrushed in the vagina and not one member of production tried to stop them. Instead, Tonya says producers got rid of some of the evidence by replacing the toothbrush and they never told her about it.

Tonya wasn't the only girl who went through some not right shit. According to Tonya, several of the girls complained to producers about the dudes grabbing at their off-limit parts before, after and during challenges. The producers never did anything about it and even fueled the illegal fuckery by "stripping the female contestants of their bathing suits" and encouraging the dudes to "inappropriately touch female cast members' bodies, including in intimate areas."

Kenny and Evan never got into trouble for allegedly raping Tonya, but she was later kicked off for slapping the fake tan off of Veronica.

Tonya is suing for unspecified damages. Both MTV and Bunim/Murray kept their lips closed about this as of yesterday.

I have watched every Real World and every challenge and Tonya definitely comes off as a tiny hurricane of crazy who spits out lies. But Kenny and Evan are certified douche fucks of epic proportions. Kenny is a piece of smug shit whose brains are operated by AXE body spray and think he's the greatest thing to happen to women folk in the history of ever. Evan is what would happen if Mr. Potato Head ate a gamma bomb before it detonated. Bitch not only looks like a block of white cheddar cheese, but he's as smart as one to. That's not fair to say. If we put a block of cheddar cheese next to Evan and asked them to spell out their name slowly, the block of cheddar cheese would answer correctly before Evan's stupid ass did. So you don't have to choke my nipple knobs with floss to get me to say that I 100% believe that these two assholes are capable of doing fucked up shit like this.

And where was Bethasaurus when we needed her most?!

It wasn't not funny, indeed.

Meanwhile, Joe Francis just sent a basket to MTV thanking them for temporarily making him look less predator-ey. I mean, raped with a toothbrush? THE HELL? Please hold me, CT.

Jessica Simpson doesn't have the skills to be a judge for the South Carolina State Fair's Annual Pig Costume Contest, and yet she somehow was chosen to be the guest judge at Project Runway's finale runway show in NYC yesterday morning. And Jessica confirmed that she's the second coming of Coco Chanel by wearing an unfortunate dress that made her look like Ethan Suplee in bootleg drag as Endora going to a funeral. Blame Michael Kors for giving Jess another "This Is Not The Look" moment, because he designed that mess.

I know Jessica Simpson sells a lot of shoes at Macy's and shit, but JWoww also has a clothing line and you don't see her as a guest on Project Runway (Crystal ball says "Please welcome guest judge...JWoww - Heidi Klum next season"). I mean, Jessica has the fashion sense of a damn squirrel!

Wait, I take that back. Sugar Bush has proven that squirrels have impeccable taste in fashion:

Hell, Sugar Bush should've been the guest judge instead of Jessica!

The only reality show Aubrey O'Day should be on is Animal Cops, because of all the fuckery she has put Ginger O'Day (the bitch on the far left) through. If the picture above moved, you'd see Ginger blinking a message in Morse code with her eyes. Bitch would be like: "H-E-L-P-M-E-E-E-E". But I'm sure we'll see Ginger's blink for help in Aubrey's new reality show for Oxygen. Yes, Aubrey is getting her own reality show, because giving hand jobs to any dude in a suit will eventually pay off for some hos (I'm still handjobbing away....)!

The press release from Oxygen is hilarious. White Oprah must be writing press releases in her spare time:

"Young women have watched the ups and downs of Aubrey through the years, and they continue to cheer her on. We're excited to deliver her story as she battles the issues that resonate with our audience, from self-doubt and body image to an intense desire for success and redemption."

More like we've watched Aubrey go from having a normal face to looking like a bronzer-covered goiter ripped off of Kim Kardashian's taint. And who is sitting in Aubrey's cheer section? Okay, Ginger is, but only because she's trying to escape by crawling between the bleacher seats.

via THR

Vh1 has announced the cast for Dr. Drew's Hour of Crackheaded Foolery and it looks like season four will be filled with zero celebrities and zero rehab, but a whole lot of potent fuckery to the tenth degree! And you can trust me when I say that most of the fuckery will be flowing out of the lemur goblin known as Frankie Lons.

Everything you need to know about Frankie can be found here. Dr. Drew better tighten his tie, because Frankie will be swinging around that shit like it was a stripper pole by episode two! I also can't wait for the episode when Dr. Drew finds out what happens when you feed Frankie after dark.

Even though Celebrity Rehab can shoot an entire season with just Frankie, she will have some company. Sadly, the Empress of Lucite is not in the cast, but this is for the best. Shauna really doesn't want to break the hearts of a bunch of crackheads when they fall in love with her at first sight, which they will. Shauna cares too much to put someone through that.

Frankie's supporting cast will include: Janice Dickinson, Jason "They Forced Me To Smoke Crack" London, Gummi Bear, Jason Wahler from Laguna Beach, Leif Garrett and Tiger Woods' #1 mistress whore Rachel Uchitel.

Yes, Janice and Frankie in the same house together. This is probably not going to end well. A few weeks into shooting, the police will receive a 911 call from the clinic. The cops will arrive at the clinic and find it completely empty except for a camcorder on the floor. When they push play on the camcorder, they'll see Dr. Drew facing a corner with his back to them. Then they will hear Janice and Frankie cackling together before the tape goes to black. Blair Witch doesn't have shit on Frankie or Janice.

(Frankie's beautiful portrait via FreddYo)

You know how when an A-list superstar signs up to a movie and other A-list superstars also sign up because they like to stick together (just throw me a "yes" and keep walking with me)? Well, that's what is happening to Celebrity Rehab right now.

Yesterday, it was reported that The Empress of Lucite is floating into Celebrity Rehab, and today my favorite Pointer Sister, Bonnie Pointer, lifted her hand up from the dumpster and yelled, "ME TOO!"

TMZ says that Bonnie, who has a history of snorting anything that comes in a vial or Ziploc bag, is joining the cast! The ratings are about to soar higher than Bonnie's state of mind the day after her royalty check comes in!

I mean, Shauna and Bonnie under the same roof? Heaven is really apologizing to us for taking Rue McClanahan too soon. Shauna and Bonnie are totally going to bond over their intense love of lip liner, which will lead to them starting a disco duo! Every strip club that accepts food stamps as tips better clear their schedule, because a new headliner is about to come through!

And if you've never shook hands with Bonnie's brand of crack crack craziness, then watch this video of her at work from a few of months ago. It will turn you into a believer:

On last night's OMGWTFSHOCKINGFIRSTTIMEFOREVERYTHING (their words) episode of The Bachelor, Rozlyn Papa, the 28-year-old make-up artist and single mother, was shown the exit after she allegedly had an "inappropriate relationship" with a male producer.

The show's host Chris Harrison, who talks slower than Forrest Gump on ludes, informed Rozlyn that the producer was fired. Rozlyn made me choke on an immunity rose (I eat one during every episode) when she said that she didn't think her personal life was anybody's business. After Chris Harrison finished swallowing the laugh that wanted to jump out of his mouth, he told Rozyn that she would also have to leave the house because Bachelor Jake is serious about finding a wife. And that's when I really choked on my immunity rose.

The show's episode never addressed what exactly Rozlyn and this dude producer did. Rozlyn swears to Entertainment Tonight that she never got sexy with the producer and they were just good friends. But Chris Harrison says that Roz and the producer did swap bodily fluids.

Okay, let's say Roz and the producer 69ed in the middle of the rose ceremony room. Who fucking cares? The Bachelor is dating more than one bitch at the same time, so why can't the girls? Are they saying that Bachelor Jake is the only ho who gets to suck on more than one tongue? Are the girls supposed to keep their vaginas and tongues to themselves while waiting for Jake to scoop them up? They should change the title of that show to THE HAREM.

But the most upsetting part was how Rozlyn looked when they gave her the ax. They should've given her some kind of notice, so she could've brought the glamour for the dramatic occasion. Bitch needed big hair, big cleavage and big heels! Roz looked like Nomi Malone in a bootleg Versayce, when she should've looked like a Cristal Connors.