TomKat

Getting divorce papers from Katie Holmes nearly knocked the dick out of Tommy Girl's mouth and he said that he didn't see it coming. (The divorce papers, not the dick. He ALWAYS sees the dick coming.) During an interview with the German TV network ProSieben (via People), Tommy says that even though he's a highly-trained Scientology bridge queen with telepathic powers like no other, he had no idea that Katie Holmes was going to file papers to officially quit his crazy ass.

"I did not expect that. [I've had] an incredible amount of time to reflect. Life is a challenge. To be 50 and have experiences and think you have everything under control, and then it hits you — that's what life is … Life is tragicomic. You need a certain sense of humor."

What sense of humor? I thought bitch's Thetans ate his sense of humor a long time ago. Tommy could be telling the truth, though. When Tommy's head isn't up his own ass, it's up Xenu's ass, so it was hard for him to see Katie dry heaving every time she looked at him and repeatedly pointing at the expiration date on their contract every time he looked at her. Tommy is just following one of Scientology's mottos, "When all else fails, be really fucking oblivious!"

The Hollywood Reporter says that Little Lord Tommy Girl and his band of lawyers have threatened to sue American Media Inc., the company that owns The National Enquirer, for spitting out slanderous lie after slanderous lie about his latest marriage and divorce. The National Enquirer will respond to the letter by shredding it into a tub of aloe vera oil and muddling it until it's the consistency of premium ass lube. Then they'll give it Tommy to rub on all the burns they put on his ass. Because that's a better use for that letter and The National Enquirer doesn't give two shits about Tommy's threats.

Tommy's lawyer Bertram Fields is especially chapped over the Enquirer's latest cover about Tommy's house of horrors. The story claims that Tommy locked Suri in a windowless room for five months and mentally abused Katie. Bert writes that the cover is "disgusting and lurid," is ruining Tommy's reputation and will cost Scientology's Little Miss Grand Supreme hundreds of millions of dollars of personal and professional damages. You can read the whole letter here, but here's a small piece:

"Your cover announces, as a fact, that 'THE REAL TOM CRUISE IS A MONSTER.' Mr. Cruise is certainly not a 'monster.' He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man." The cover also includes the headline "Inside Tom's House of Horrors" alongside a picture of Cruise's Beverly Hills residence as well as allegations that Holmes led a "tortured life" with the actor before filing for divorce on June 28.

Can't Tommy use his True Blood-like powers to glamour the image of that cover from all of our memories? And can't he use his Carrie-like powers to move all copies of that shit from the newsstands into the gutter? I'm guessing that Tommy traded in a whole lot of reward tickets at the Scientology prize area to get those powers. Well, he needs to get all his tickets back, because those powers aren't working.

If Tommy wants to sue a bitch for ruining his reputation, he should sue himself. Tom Cruise ruined Tom Cruise's reputation. That said, somebody should still sue The National Enquirer for that fraudulent cover on the left. They made a nation believe that Tommy was up to no good when he got half-nekkid and slipped into bed with another woman. We all know that Tommy was only lying half-naked on a bed in the presence of a woman, because she was there to wax, bleach and henna tattoo the coordinates of Xenu's safe house on his ass lips. The public demands a retraction and clarification, Enquirer!

And here's Katie, Suri and Katie's mom at the Central Park Zoo yesterday. It's nice to see Suri interacting with human children without Scientology handlers grabbing her while screaming, "She's been exposed!" 

I've made jokes that the blueprint for Katie Holmes' I QUIT THIS BITCH mission had clips from Sleeping with the Enemy, The Wire, Alias and Not Without My Daughter in it, but The Los Angeles Times (via UsWeekly) says it really did. Since Katie couldn't queef on her bed sheet without Scientology scientists immediately rushing in to confiscate the sheet for testing, she had to be stealth when making her divorce plans, because Scientology was watching her every twitch. If the High Priestess of Scientology, Tommy Girl, ever found out about Katie's plans to not renegotiate her marriage contract, he would've given her another lobotomy with a protocol droid and sent Suri to live in a boarding school on the edge of Xenu's intergalactic volcano.

The Los Angeles Times says that Katie hired three law firms in three states and even had one of her friends buy a prepaid cell phone so she could have covert conversations in secret places Scientologists never go like pharmacies, strip clubs with titties and ice cream parlors with gay people in it. UsWeekly says that one of those down low conversations might've been with the second member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Beards Club, Nicole Kidman. Apparently, Nicole "lent Katie her ear" during all of this. Since Nicole's ear is entirely made of plastic and is completely detachable like her face, I totally picture her sending it to Katie via FedEx and Katie talking into it while hiding out from Tommy under bed.

Before Katie told Scientology to take her e-meter and shove it up their asses ("Okay! That sounds fun!" - David Miscavige), I thought she was nothing but a boring bowl of soggy cornflakes whose brains must've been made of broken Christmas ornaments if she willingly signed up to a Bride of Xenu, but all the stealth moves she made during her divorce have given me a new appreciation for her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she's suddenly great at making life decisions all the time, because obviously she isn't. I mean, look at that denim sack of a dress she wore while hanging out with Suri and her mom yesterday.

Oh, and Katie gave her latest FUCK YOU to Scientology by going back to the Catholic Church and joining St. Francis Xavier in NYC. From HuffPo:

“Everyone is thrilled to have Katie join us,” a member of the church's choir told me. “She has not yet attended a service, but when she does she will be welcomed with open arms.”

The church, located on 16th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues, is known for inclusive thinking and its welcoming of many gay and lesbian Catholics. Its mission statement indicates that the Roman Catholic Church parish “strives to be a prophetic, welcoming community, inclusive witness to the presence of Christ Jesus in our midst.” Its website proclaims that it is a respectful community, “where seekers and their questions are welcomed, where injustice is challenged, where the poor, the alienated and marginalized find a home, and where people are refreshed, reconciled and renewed.”

You might be thinking, "Oh well, at least the Catholic Church won't stalk and threaten a bitch if she wants to leave." But have you ever told your Catholic abuelita that you don't want to go to Sunday mass? Scientologists ain't got shit on a Catholic abuelita.

Seen her a while ago being the tea bag instead of getting tea bagged like usual, Tom Cooze apparently agreed to keep all Scientology-related stuff in his mouth when he's around Suri and Katie Holmes also agreed to not fill her daughter's head with any talk about religion until she gets older. Shortly after, Tommy and Katie signed their divorce settlement agreement and shoved those papers up somewhere that nobody will dare to go (aka John Travolta's Scientolohole), the details began to leak ("Oops. I fawted." - Travolta). We already know that Katie got primary physical custody of Suri and TMZ says that both sides also agreed to shut their lips about religion. Katie also gets to decide where Suri goes to school.

A source tells TMZ that the "custodial provisions" part of the agreement is no joke and covers a large part of Suri's childhood. As the years ago by, Katie and Tommy can slowly fill her ears with religion talk including alien tales according to L. Ron. So basically, Scientology will have to get a new golden child. But wait, Katie's lawyer tells People that all this speculation needs to be taken with a grain of barley dust:

"There are numerous inaccuracies in the reports regarding the purported contents of the agreement reached between the parties," says attorney Jonathan Wolfe. "The agreement is confidential and its terms will not be disclosed."

Whatever, I believe the Scientology ban and Katie should really get a parade for winning that battle, but she isn't the real winner in all of this. It's Suri! Suri doesn't have to get her brain washed with alien shit AND she doesn't have to sit through a 4 hour-long Catholic mass on Sunday morning. You don't know how many times I was dragged away from my cartoon-viewing on a Sunday morning to go to mass with my abuelita. The worst part of Catholic mass is sitting on a hard ass seat while watching the growns sip on a christblood-tini. The children didn't get any refreshments! Not even a virgin christblood-tini. Rude.

In "Don't Mess With A Bitch Who Knows Some Shit News," both People and TMZ say that Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes have already agreed to all the details in their divorce settlement after only a few days of negotiations. Katie's lawyer says that the agreement has already been signed by both sides and she can't wait "to start the new phase of her life" and re-discover the emotion known as happiness which she forgot existed. Tommy and Katie also released this statement that simply translates into: "LEAVE SCIENTOLOGY ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"

"We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri's best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other's commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other's roles as parents."

"Our respective beliefs..." That's one way of saying that during their 30-second divorce settlement brawl, Katie tagged in The Pope and Tommy tagged in Xenu.

Of course, zero details about their settlement agreement have been released, because Tommy doesn't want us to know that he got custody of all the E.T. finger-shaped strap-ons, but People knows a few things. Their source says that Suri will stay in NYC with Katie and Tommy has been given "generous" visitation rights.

That shit was fast and I'm slightly disappointed that we won't get to see Tommy try to furiously re-activate the microchip in Katie's head just as she's about to spill more shit about him in a public custody hearing. Obviously, with all the ESCANDALOSO stories about Scientology coming out, David Miscavige twisted Tommy's nipple (and not in a sexy way) and told him to make it all go away or his Scientology glory hole privileges will be revoked.

And here's a few pictures of Katie with Suri yesterday. I'll update this post as soon as pictures of Katie doing the "FREEEEEEE AT LAAAAST" shuffle down the streets of Manhattan come out.

At least we'll always have this masterpiece from the Museum of Beards of Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl looking like two butch power lezzies at the top of their game. Those were the days when Tommy could hit a few keys on Stepford Katie's control pad and get her dress up like a power top to his power bottom. But the roles have reversed and Katie's the one controlling a bitch for now.

TMZ says that Tommy has pressed pause on his plans to file for divorce in California and is playing nice with Katie by keeping their custody fight in New York. TMZ also farted into our popcorn bags, because they claim that Tommy and Katie won't give us some extra dramatic Kramer vs. Kramer shit in a public court room anytime soon. BOOOOOOOO. Tommy's NY lawyers and Katie's lawyers are in a conference room somewhere in Manhattan quietly negotiating custody of Scientology's golden child, child support and money shit. One source says that if shit goes well, they can figure everything out in NY and won't have to move this mess to CA.

Well, well, well..... Earlier this week, Tommy was all ready to put on his best pair of stompin' heels and fight a trick hard. My guess is that Tommy changed his mind when Katie strolled to his locked closet door, held up its key and threatened to open it. Tommy is all for a bitch squeezing his nuts, but not like this and not by Katie. I love it. Oh, to be a Thetan sipping a martini on the end of Tommy's butt plug during those negotiations. I'd love to feel the clench of his nalgas as Katie threatens to tell everyone about the Shrine to David Beckham in his dungeon unless he agrees to not give Suri a Kiddie's First E-Meter Kit for her next birthday.

It's been exactly one week since Katie Holmes celebrated Independence Day early by overriding her internal hard drive thus taking back control of her brain from Tommy Girl, and so far she spent the day buying leche at the Whole Foods by her apartment in Chelsea. This is, of course, SIREN-BUSTING BREAKING NEWS, because a little over a week ago, Katie couldn't reach for milk without a Scientology handler zapping her in the hand with an electrocution saber before telling her that she should really buy a bag of barley and distilled water instead. Freedom definitely tastes like the opposite of barley water.

So, there's a million upon a million #tomkatastrophe stories out there and every time I read one, another one pops up. Can't somebody start a 24-hour cable channel where peen puppets act out all of these stories. That's a missed opportunity. Anyway, let's get this mess:

From TMZ - Being the bossy bottom that he is, Tommy Girl controlled every single part of Katie's life including her career. That's your cue to chap your vocal cords while letting out the longest DUUUUUUUH in history. Tommy wouldn't let the studio who distributed Thank You For Not Smoking use any pictures of Katie kissing Aaron Eckhart in their promo materials. Also, during the media tour for Batman Begins, Tommy chained Katie inside of his private jet and wouldn't allow her to fly with the rest of the cast. This "disgusted" Morgan Freeman. TMZ asked Morgan for a comment, but he was too busy not giving a fuck about all of this.

From TMZ - Some source says that despite what every whore is shouting, Katie not extending her contract with Tommy has nothing to do with Scientology. Katie's team is only using the Scientology shit to get at Tommy. Katie was practically one of L. Ron Hubbard's main homegirls and would go to meetings and audits by herself. Bitch probably only went because she'd rather burn her "Thetans" off in the sauna than look at Tommy's face at home. Also, I'd hardly call "Tommy controlling Katie's ability to walk via remote control" as Katie doing that shit on her own.

From Radar: Scientologists brainwashed Isabella and Connor into thinking that their mom Nicole Kidman is a sociopath. They were forced to sit in daily sessions where they were told over and over again that Nicole is nuts. Or the Scientologists just saved their words and tried to prove to Isabella and Connor that Nicole is crazy by showing them Bewitched on a loop. It worked, obviously.

From The Village Voice: SCIENTOLOGY CRUMBLING. The headline paired with a picture of Tommy and David Miscavige butching it up on bikes says it all.

From Radar: The President of Scientology's 27-year-old son mysteriously died from a fever 4 days ago and his mom, who quit the Church of Xenu in 2010, hasn't been allowed to see his body.

From The Village Voice: David Miscavige's wife Shelly hasn't been seen or heard from since 2007. Shelly went missing right after she started looking for a job without getting her master's permission first. Tony Ortega, VV's Scientology expert, thinks that maybe Scientology is holding Shelly in one of their compounds, but I'd like to think she pulled some Sleeping with the Enemy shit and is living under a new name in Cedar Falls.

From Radar: Scientologists are flooding major media websites and trying to get the anti-Xenu comments from commenters removed by reporting that shit to Google.

So basically, all of this has Scientologists losing their minds (more than usual) and the only Scientologist that is secretly happy about this is John Travolta. For the first time in weeks, bitches are sniffing up Tommy's Scientolohole and leaving John's itchy Scientolohole alone for now.

BOOOOOOO! Yet another Dlisted field trip has been canceled. On July 17th, we won't be eating popcorn in the back of a NYC court room while watching Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl bikini wrestle for custody of Suri in a kiddie pool full of barley water. Hollywood Life played with our emotions yesterday when they said  that Katie filed a request for an emergency hearing to try to get temporary full custody of Suri. But Katie's lawyer Jonathan Wolfe killed my buzz last night by telling People that there will be no public custody dance-off between Katie and Tommy, because he didn't file shit:

"Other than her action for divorce, the only pending application filed by Ms. Holmes remains her request for an anonymous caption."

Tommy's lawyer Bert Fields released his own statement of words yesterday and threw some shade while doing so. Let the games begin!

"Tactically we can't say where Tom will file a divorce case and if he'll be seeking joint custody of Suri. We are letting 'the other side' (Katie and her team), play the media until they wear everyone out and then we'll have something to say. It's not Tom's style to do this publicly. He is really sad about what's happening."

Somewhere, John Travolta just let out an "OH SNAP, GURL!" at that statement. Bert is right, though. Tommy is the epitome of private and he'd never ever play the media. That time Tommy stomped on Oprah's ugly yellow couch? It wasn't at all choreographed and he didn't do it to manipulate the world into thinking that he naturally gets excited about vagina. All those times Tommy paraded Suri in front of the paps? It was just a natural moment between a father and daughter, and Tommy didn't hit ctrl+alt+smile on the keyboard on Suri's back to make her look extra happy. PLEASE. The only shit Tommy keeps private is the truth.

In other #tomkatastrophe news, Katie talked to Elle for their August issue and some think she hinted about not extending her contract with TG:

"He has been Tom Cruise for 30 years. I know who I am and where I am and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that. I definitely feel much more comfortable in my own skin. I feel sexier. I'm starting to come into my own. It's like a new phase."

That quote sounds like it's reaching until you read it literally. I mean, Katie obviously found a way to rip off the Thetan-proof skin shell that Scientologists wrapped her with on her wedding night.

Ever since Katie Holmes took shit from serious to SERIOUS by filing for sole custody of Suri Cruise in NYC, the media has been saying that it's only a matter of days before Tommy Girl files his own divorce papers in California. In California, Tommy has a better chance of getting joint custody of L. Ron Hubbard's golden child and if he doesn't, he can easily grab her, take her to the flying pirate ship in  Scientology's California desert compound and fly her off to space where she can be raised by moon craters or whatever. Hollywood Life (aka grainofsalt.org) says that Katie's lawyers know what Tommy is trying to do and they're one step ahead of his ass. They filed for an emergency hearing in NYC yesterday, forcing Tommy to get himself a New York lawyer and show his face in court on July 17th. Katie wants a judge to grant her temporary full custody of Suri and give her some child support. HL says this is Katie's way of letting Tommy know that she'll happily break Scientology's fourth wall if he tries to fuck with her. A source put it like this:

Katie filed an ‘emergent application’ in New York City on July 3. It’s a motion seeking temporary emergency relief, which can include child support and custody. It also means that Tom is going to have to hire a New York lawyer — he can’t use his Calif. lawyer anymore. The motion also means that both Tom and Katie have to be present in court on July 17. A judge is now assigned to their case, which means it’s no longer going to be an out-of-court settlement. They are scheduled to appear before Judge Matthew Cooper on July 17 at 9:30 AM. 

Katie doesn’t anticipate Tom cooperating, and there have been rumors that he’s going to file in Calif. and argue that litigation should be there rather than New York. Bottom line: if you file an emergency motion, you don’t believe there’s going to be cooperation from the other party or you need an order that only the court can give. It might have something to do with trying to control the media.They filed under anonymous verses anonymous to avoid the media. Most celebs do that. It’s unlikely for a celebrity to file an emergency hearing, because most celebrities settle out of court because they don’t want the media involved in their case. Katie and Tom are now going to have an open court room, which means that anyone can walk in and see what’s happening. Plus, they are putting their case in the hands of a judge who is going to determine what happens next. Most public figures don’t want that — it’s a last resort. It’s super-aggressive for Katie to have taken these steps. It suggests that there’s going to be a contentious divorce battle to come.”

If this is true, then I guess in two weeks we'll all be sitting in the back of a NYC courtroom eating popcorn and drinking white wine spritzers out of white grape juice bottles while watching the real-life Scientologized remake of Not Without My Daughter. That shit is going to be a show. It's times like this when I wish Judge Judy was still a practicing family court judge and that one of her aliases is Judge Matthew Cooper. Judge Judy would rip Tommy a new asshole and not in the way he'd like. "Don't shit on my face and tell me it's cum, Tommy!" 

Here's Katie and Suri celebrating Tommy's 50th birthday last night by eating freshly churned freedom.

Somebody Photoshop a blunt in Katie Holmes' hand, because she looks like she just baked her last Thetan off. Or maybe she's just relieved that she can let out a fart without a Scientology handler running off to tell her master what it smelled like. Freedom really is farting whenever you want to.

Anyway, Katie Holmes was out in NYC today after guest judging an episode of Project Runway: All-Stars 2, and her marriage finger was free of the shackle that was her wedding ring. You know that shit wasn't a wedding ring. It was a straight-up GPS tracking system. So I hope she pawned that shit and used the money to buy some new shoes. Seriously, she needs a new pair of shoes, because those ones she had on today were as ugly as three kinds of hell. They look like Chester the Cheetah's used cum rags. And that dress. I'm sure she made it out of her old Scientology prison jumpsuit. Bitch, you've freed yourself of Tommy Girl, now free yourself of bad taste.