Trash

I don't know who's going to need more therapy: me for looking at a picture of a monkey humping a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad or that monkey when he realizes that he once humped a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad. Definitely the monkey. Spending that much time with Justin Bieber really messes you up and leads you to some dark, scary places. You can see the trauma in the poor monkey's eyes.

Last month, Justin Bieber's dumb ass brought his living and breathing toy, Mally the monkey, into Germany without the proper documents. Officials put Mally into quarantine and told Justin that they wouldn't release his monkey unless he gave them the right papers. Justin shrugged, crawled out of Germany without Mally and told authorities he'd be back. The Biebs lied. HuffPo UK says that Justin's people have told German authorities that he's not coming back for Mally so they should just find the monkey a home. Karl Heinz Joachim, the head of the center where Mally is staying, said:

"There are a great many suitable places that have offered to take Mally and integrate him with their own capuchin monkeys where he would be much more happy with his own kind.

A baby monkey was never going to be suited to be on a world tour even if he is travelling by private jet. He should be out in the wild climbing trees and learning from other monkeys if he isn’t to have serious psychological problems later in life.”

Serious psychological problems LATER in life? Has Mr. Joachim seen the picture above? Poor Mally is suffering from serious psychological problems NOW. But this is the best thing for Mally. If Justin raised Mally, that monkey would develop a serious coke addition to deal with having Justin Bieber as a mommy and then he'd eventually have to share a room with Lindsay Lohan in rehab. That ain't the life.

And we should probably consider putting Justin Bieber into quarantine before somebody makes the mistake of spilling water on him and he multiplies into a dozen spoiled brats who abandon their pet monkeys in Germany.

While wearing a dress the color of the tears you shed when you see another Kardashian post, Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke at the E! Upfronts in NYC yesterday and she brought along her iPhone with her official title on it. I'm not taking "Queen of Fucking Everything" to mean that she's the Queen of Everything. That title already belongs to Richard Simmons and all the heads of state were there when he had it tattooed onto his ass lips, so that makes it official. I'm taking it to mean that she will fuck absolutely everything for a dollar or for a blurb in (insert the name of every single magazine that exists on the planet here).

If there was a dead giant hissing cock roach lying in a puddle of dried dog piss and you told PMK that a quarter will fall out of it if she humped it, she'd slather Zestra all over her parts and get to it. If you told PMK that E! will give her family another spin-off show if she 69ed with Lucifer, she'd shrug and tell you that she's been there, done that, but she'll gladly do it again. If you promised PMK everlasting wealth and fame if she sold her entire family into the hands of the head of an underground sex slavery ring, she'd grab a price label gun and immediately shoot a $3.00 tag onto Khloe's forehead.

So yeah, PMK and her entire family are the Queens of Fucking Everything. PMK is finally telling the truth about something.

Here's the Queen of all Whores and some of her hos at the E! Upfronts last night.

Last week, Teen Mom Farrah went on Dr. Phil and she was such a delusional mound of dumb that she made Dr. Phil look like an honest, reasonable and intelligent human being by comparison. And yesterday, Teen Mom Farrah almost made Teen Mom Jenelle look like the better parent (I say "almost" because that "Ke$hit is my idol" thing is unforgivable) when she brought her 3-year-old daughter to her sex tape negotiations. Yes, that's inappropriate as shit, but maybe Teen Mom Farrah brought her kid, because she realized that she's dumber than dumb and a 3-year-old is better at negotiating than she is. Although, that's not saying much since the tonsil stone I just coughed up is probably a better negotiator than Farrah.

TMZ caught (read: Farrah called them) Teen Mom Farrah going into Vivid's offices in Studio City, CA yesterday to find out how much they're going to pay her for the video of her getting it from James Deen's small peen (her stupid ass words, not mine). Farrah told TMZ that she's gotten so much positive feedback from the video and she's looking at several offers. Farrah brought her dad and daughter to the meeting, because she needed their support.

Steve Hirsch, the head bitch of Vivid, told TMZ that yeah he thought it was weird that Farrah brought her kid, but the little girl was coloring in the waiting room while Farrah was in the meeting with her dad.

Call me a damn prude, but when I'm in the offices of a porn studio and telling them that I'm going to need an extra $50,000 if they're going to use the shot of James Deen busting one on my eyelids, the last thing I want to see is my dad nodding at me like, "Yeah, you tell them!" But that's just me.

And I hate Steve Hirsch for saying that the gorgeous Tan Mom doesn't have a face for porn, but I hate Teen Mom Farrah more for making Steve Hirsch look like the voice of reason.

Here's Teen Mom Farrah wearing your auntie's favorite yard sale hunting cap at LAX on Saturday.

Vanessa Lutz would be proud, because Reese Witherspoon got arrested early Friday morning for being a mouthy mess.

Both TMZ and Variety say that after midnight on Friday morning, police in Atlanta pulled Reese's husband Jim Toth over, because he wasn't driving right and they figured his ass was drunk. Police say that Jim's silver Ford Focus was weaving across a double line on Peachtree Street. The cops say Jim Toth looked a mess and he smelled like a Lohan on any given day. While the cops gave Jim a sobriety test, Reese, who I'm guessing was also drunk as shit, hung out the window and told the officer that she didn't believe he was a real cop (HAHAHAHA!). The officer wrote in the police report that he told Reese, “to sit on her butt and be quiet.”

Reese didn't do that. When she got out of the car, the officer told her to get back in the car and she told him that she is a US citizen and has the right to stand on American ground. The cop then decided that he was not only going to arrest Jim Toth, but he was going to put Reese in handcuffs too. Reese put up a little struggle when he grabbed her arm to arrest her. The exchange between drunk ass Reese and the cop is a classic:

As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

The report also specified, “Mrs. Witherspoon also stated, ‘You are going to be on national news.’ I advised Mrs. Witherspoon that was fine.”

Jim blew a .139 on a Breathalyzer test and was arrested for DUI and failure to maintain a lane while driving. Reese was charged with disorderly conduct. They made bond and were released a few hours later. Reese is in Atlanta to shoot the movie The Good Lie.

Here I was thinking that Reese was as bland and boring as lukewarm tap water in a Dixie cup. But nope, it took just one story for me to learn that Reese is an entitled, snooty ass messy mess who's got her head shoved all the way up her culo. I kind of love it when a crack forms on a wholesome apple pie. The only thing that comes out of a trick using the "Do you know who I am?" line is that they'll forever be known as the trick who uses the "Do you know who I am?" line.

And I'm going to need Reese to reenact that entire scene with the cop as Vanessa Lutz. And I'm also going to need to see their mug shots, because you know that shit is a wreck.

UPDATE: YAAASS! And now, above is Reese's mug shot courtesy of Fox5. Even bitch's eyebrows look drunk. That's not the best part of the picture, though. The best part is that it's cut off and it looks like her name is Laura Jeanne Poon. From now on, I don't know who this Reese Witherspoon is, but I definitely know who Laura Jeanne Poon is.

You'll see me doing a lot of things at In-N-Out (examples: licking the tables clean and flying across the place when they call my number), but one thing you'll never see me doing is cursing out a worker for screwing up my order. Because the next time I'm in there, they might recognize my face and put something extra on my meat like pubes or ass farts. If anybody's going to put pubes or ass farts on my meat, it's going to be me. But I guess Busta Rhymes doesn't really follow my fast food rule, because he had a hissy fit meltdown at a burger place in Miami this morning.

HuffPo says that at 6 this morning, Busta went to Cheeseburger Baby with a bunch of friends and acted like a self-entitled bag of assholes as soon as he got there. The restaurant's owner Stephanie Vitori says that 6am is rush hour for them since that's when most of the clubs on South Beach close. There was a line to order, but Busta refused to wait and pretended like he was still relevant when he said to her, "Can you take our order first? We're very important people." They refused to let him cut, so he waited in line and ordered. Cheeseburger Baby always puts the ketchup, mayonnaise, salt, pepper and other stuff on the side, because they don't want the bun to get soggy. When Busta got his order and noticed that everything was on the side, that's when his ass lips really exploded and he Hulk'd all the way out.

Stephanie says that Busta screamed at one the employees, "Fuck you, fag! I'm not leaving until I get ketchup, mayo, salt and pepper on my burger." Stephanie called the cops when Busta tried to get behind the counter and called her a bitch. Before the police arrived, Stephanie told the employees to put mayo and ketchup on the princess' burger to get him out of there. Busta left, the police showed up and Stephanie filed a police report. Stephanie said that she called the police again when one of Busta's friends called to say he was coming back in, because there was no cheese on his burger. Busta never came back. Stephanie says there was cheese on his burger and she also said:

"Over putting ketchup, mayo, salt and pepper on a burger? For real, you can't open up a mayo and ketchup packet? It's not right. I'm a gay business owner, and you don't use that term. It's degrading."

Nothing says "one hundred percent heterosexual male" like throwing a melodramatic tantrum over someone not squirting mayo between your buns. I can't with these assholes who ruin it for everyone. People were trying to enjoy their delicious cheeseburgers and Busta just had to spoil it by acting like trash. If Busta insists on cursing someone out, he could at least spit out a catchphrase we'll all remember. "Fuck you, fag" just doesn't cut it.

Busta needs to learn from these important figures in American history, because I still use the phrase "Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me" on a weekly basis.

A while ago, there were rumors that the producers of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills were leaving a trail of laxative pills from LeAnn Rimes' cave in Fantasia to their casting offices, because they wanted her to join the cast. LeAnn's arch rival Brandi Glanville said she thought the rumor was funny since LeAnn always shits on the Housewives and LeAnn later said it wasn't true. But just because LeAnn said "neigh" to the producers of Housewives doesn't mean that she's saying "neigh" to all reality shit shows.

Gossip Cop says that LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian are currently pitching their own reality show about their life together. It'll be the perfect show to watch after Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Because right after you gain 30 pounds from watching Mama June drink a gallon jug of melted butter and liquefied Peeps, you can barf it all up while watching LeAnn and Eddie act like they have the perfect life.

If I wanted to see an emaciated pony with fake tits slobber on a squinty whore of a donkey, I'd turn on Animal Planet After Dark. LeAnn's brain must've slipped out of her gaping nostrils, because putting her marriage in front of reality show cameras is the dumbest thing she's done since marrying Eddie Cibrian. Everybody knows that nothing kills a marriage faster than a reality show. This is not how it's supposed to end, anyway. LeAnn and Eddie's marriage isn't supposed to die because of a stupid reality show. It's supposed to die when she catches Eddie's side piece biting onto one of her Union Jack pillows as he hits it from the back on their Pier 1 daybed. Brandi Glanville feels so cheated, again!

Here's LeAnn hollering and yodeling at her concert in London a couple of weeks ago.

You know how sometimes a kid will grow up to be the opposite of their parent or parents? Like if a girl's mom is a deranged, crack-brained mess of stained antique lace and delusions, she'll decide that she wants to be nothing like that and will grow up to be a sane and reasonable human being whose brain isn't powered by Adderall powder (shout out to Courtney Love and FB!). Or if a dude's mom is a healthy, smart and responsible individual, he'll go the opposite way and grow up to be a disgusting dumb slut whose brain is powered by Taco Bell meat (shout out to my mom and me!). Well, that's not what Hopper Penn's doing. Hopper Penn is following right behind his douchebag dad.

TMZ has a video of Sean Penn and his 19-year-old son Hopper going into a building in Beverly Hills yesterday afternoon. Sean pretty much keeps his charbroiled ALF face down and ignores the paparazzo as he walks into the building. The paparazzo turns around and starts taking pictures of Hopper for some reason and the spawn of Sean Penn responded by ramming the pap. The pap being the pap started screaming shit like, "Don't ever do that! Don't to that to yourself! You're a kid!" Etc....etc... Hopper Penn being Sean Penn's kid yelled back at the pap and called the pap, who is African American, a "faggot" and a "nigger."

The cops showed up, but nothing happened, because the pap didn't want to press charges. Sean Penn's damage control publicist crawled into Hopper Penn's body and spit out this canned apology:

“I was accosted by paparazzi and made to feel like an animal - threatened and under attack, but that does not condone my own actions. I deeply regret my choice of words.”

Well, at least Sean and Hopper both have videos to share during father/son bonding night.

I was going to blame this on the fact that Sean and Robin Wright gave their kid a first name that should only be given to a cartoon character in the Winnie the Pooh world, but I'm just going to blame this on the fact that dude's father is Sean Penn. Dude was screwed as soon as he swam out of Sean's peen slit.

You'd think that the only thing that would agree to marry Jesse James would be a popped anal wart on an alley rat's ass (no offense to popped anal warts on an alley rat's ass), but he actually found a living, breathing human being who wants to call him her husband. Vanilla Gorilla married billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria in Malibu on Sunday. Either Vanilla Gorilla seriously brainwashed a ho Nazi-style or Alexis just really wants to be married to a tattooed bag of dehydrated gorilla dingles who will keep her guessing. What I mean by that is Alexis will constantly ask herself, "I wonder what kind of STD Vanilla Gorilla's nomad dick will deliver to my coochie today?"

People says that Vanilla Gorilla and Alexis DeJoria, who's also a drag racer, have only been bumping tattooed crotches for about 7 months. VG jumped on Alexis just a second after he broke up with Kat Von D. VG and Alexis got married at the Malibu home of her dad John Paul DeJoria, the co-founder of Paul Mitchell and Patron. VG's daughter Sunny was a flower girl along with Alexis' daughter Bella. The flower girls wore Hitler Youth uniforms, the bride wore this and the bride's family all wore tears on their faces, because they realized that they'll have to look at Vanilla Gorilla's punchable face every time they go to a family party.

Well, VG better start stock piling and hiding as many cases of Patron as he can, because it's only a matter of time before his fourth marriage ends when Alexis catches his dick doing the Hitler salute right into the pussy of some down river skank. Speaking of down river skanks, let's all take this to remember VG's skankiest side piece Bombshit McGee. Here's some pictures from last year of Bombshit getting her coochie warts burned and sawed off at the free clinic. Alexis, this is your future!

Because LeAnn Rimes thinks she's the sexy hot stepmom, she went to her stepson's baseball game yesterday dressed like a down-and-out train track whore on her day off. This outfit is a bigger mess than LeAnn's sanity. It doesn't really bother me that she wore skank shorts to a children's event, it bothers me that she wore those shorts with that sweater. Tacky!

I mean, who wears that kind of sweater with shorty shorts usually worn by a go-go boy at a goth gay club? That shit doesn't go together. Either wear that sweater with white cotton coochie cutters and high heel Chucks or wear those plastic shorts with a latex bra and a velvet choker. Poor boy had to try to hit the ball while his stepmom was sitting on the bleachers wearing the worst walk of shame outfit ever.

And did LeAnn screw with her mug again, because she's starting to look like a Dark Crystal pantyhose doll that got mangled in the wash.

If that headline didn't make your genitals shrivel up and fall off your body before slithering out the door, then watching this clip from last night's episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami will.

During last night's episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle, Khloe Kartrashian tells Kim and the slow one that she read that drinking pineapple juice makes your pussy taste sweet, so they put it the test. Dumping an entire Domino sugar factory into Kim's koochie couldn't make it sweet, but she goes for it anyway. At around the 32:30 mark in the video above, Kim and Kourtney take turns wiping their chochas on cloth napkins for Khloe to sniff on. Khloe tells the camera, "We're sisters, if I can't smell their pusses, what else are we supposed to do?" There's so many things these bitches can do as sisters. They can throw themselves into oncoming traffic. They can hold hands and jump into an active volcano together. They can feed themselves to wolves. They can do so many things!

After smelling Kim and Kourtney's pussy fumes, Khloe declares Kim the winner.

A wookie must have a weak sense of smell, because any other person would've fallen to the floor, convulsed and started foaming at the mouth once they sniffed Kim's kunt kreme. The producers of Dirty Jobs wanted Mike Rowe to work as Kim's gyno for one episode and even he couldn't say yes to that.

Either this pussy smelling contest was rigged or Bruce Jenner was hiding in the other room and Kim wiped her cloth between his butt cheeks, because you know he smells like a sugar cube dipped in hummingbird juice. I swear, these sucio slags. I kan't with them.

And here's KKK's kreator, Pimp Mama Kris, at the launch of Chunky Rob's sock line in Las Vegas. I'm surprised Kim and Kourtney didn't rub their boxes one of Rob's socks. PMK is slipping, because she definitely missed that product placement opportunity.