Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren And Judi Dench Can Have A Seat Now That Kim Kardashian Is Here To Take Their Roles
Kim Kardashian's film career has really come full circle. Kim started out in the world of cinema by playing a half-dead seal who gets clubbed by Ray-J's boomerang dick and now she's starring opposite Ray-J's sister in a movie where she plays a wooden mannequin who was brought to life (I'm being generous with "brought to life") when the Blue Fairy pissed on her. This is the trailer for Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor and it's about a marriage counselor (duh) who confesses (duh) about having an affair with a rich and possibly evil man, because her boring husband puts her pussy to sleep.
The cast list reads like a game of One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. It stars Denise from Full House, Vanessa Williams (doing some kind of Caribbean accent), Lance Gross, Brandy, Robbie Jones and Kim Kardashian.
Kim must've went to the same acting academy as Bristol Palin, because they both have the emotional range of a warped wooden butt plug. I've had interactions with Siri that were more human and natural than the interaction Kim has with Denise from Full House in that trailer. On a positive note, at least we know that Kim can sort of read since she obviously read those lines off of cue cards. And by "cue cards," I mean penises. They wrote her lines on penises.
And here's Kim walking around today.
Because Khloe Kardashian was busy hunting the woods for wart hogs to sacrifice to her kreator and Scott Disick was busy douching out his b-hole with Drakkar Noir, they both had to be Photoshopped into the Kardashian's annual assault on the holidays. Nothing says "family togetherness" like being Photoshopped into your family Christmas card. Last year's theme was "A Bunch of Plastic Tits," the year before's theme was "Konstipated Ghouls" and this year's theme must be "Tampon Ads in Hell" or "Devils in White."
When you go to the afterworld and step out of the elevator, not knowing if it went up or down, and see this image before, don't be fooled by all the happiness and white. If you look closely, you'll see their dead souls and dead eyes. You're not in heaven, you're in the bottom bowels of Hell. You were tricked! I really don't know what's more hilarious, Kim's Predator hair, Scott's amateur Barbizon pose or Bruce Jenner looking like a late-in-life lesbian at a beachside commitment ceremony (read: Bruce has never looked hotter). Kanye Kardashian isn't there, but it was nice of the family to pay homage to him by dressing up like maxi-pads and tampons.
And poor Mercy (RIP), even all the Photoshop in the world couldn't wipe away her permanent miseryface:
But kudos to the photographer for making the entire family look happy by screaming out, "SAY MONAY!"
Kat Von D and Deadmau5 started rubbing their tattooed genitals together last September and they stopped for a minute in November after she subtly accused him of passing his mau5 dick to another whore, but true love always prevails! Mau5 just couldn't get enough of licking Jesse James' dried jizz off of Kat Von D's stomach, because they got back together and now they're engaged to be married. Like two 15-year-olds who met on MySpace and live thousands of miles apart, Deadmau5 asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter and tweeted a picture of the ring he's going to get her:
After Kat Von D printed that picture out and wrapped it around her finger, she typed these words:
And then DeadMau5 kept this public display of pure class going....
I really can't wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he's still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there's that.
It's a good thing that Pimp Mama Kris removed all of Kim Kardashian's internal organs and gave them to Lucifer as a sacrifice years ago, because that's the only way she was able to squeeze into this size 0 leather skirt and toddler shirt. Looks like ten pounds of skank in a five pound leather sack that was sloppily packed by Kanye. Bitch is serving up several servings of soufflé.
Kim must think breathing is overrated or she learned how to breathe out of her asshole, which is entirely possible. And will somebody tell Kourtney Kardashian that this isn't Designing Women and she ain't Suzanne Sugarbaker, so she needs to take that outfit off. Bitch already looks like a fool, but wearing Suzanne Sugarbaker's favorite church suit is making her look like an even bigger fool.
I swear, these two need to stop trying to make the fupa curtain happen. And Kim needs to leave the leather skirt-wearing to Kanye.
Pimp Mama Kris' lowest-earning whore, Rob Kartrashian, let out a Twitter stream of tears when he said that his former piece Rita Ora allegedly cheated on him with twenty other dudes. Even a brain dead trick with the IQ of a sock knew Rob was talking about Rita Ora. But Rob must think anyone who cares about this shit is as stupid as him, because he claimed today that he wasn't talking about who you think he was talking about. Rob tweeted (and then deleted) a "shame on you" speech to the media for bringing up Rita Ora's name. via E!
"Just so we clear I never once mentioned 'Rita Ora' in any of my tweets or even used the word 'whore' and I never would. I Respect Women. Sad that the media created negativity for a young artist new to the game that is working so hard to make it. Never mentioned any names. I speak truth. I'm a very Real dude and everything I say I mean…But never called anyone specific a whore and said any names. You all did."
Rob achieved the impossible. Rob is so dumb that he makes Kim Kardashian look like she could actually win a round of "Are You Smarter Than A Dog Dingle?" Rob wouldn't even pass the qualifying test. And no, Rob would never call anyone "a whore." I'll just leave this here (skip to the 2:39 mark):
"Rita Whora" trended on Twitter a couple of nights ago and it was the only time I really wished that my parents would've named me "Rita" so my junior high school nickname could've been "Rita Whora." "Rita Whore" started trending after Rob Kardashian jumped on Twitter and melodramatically went off about how his British pop singer girlfriend Rita Ora cheated on him bareback-style with 20 dudes. Well, sometimes when the regular dick you're hopping on doesn't get you off, you have to search for that orgasm by hopping on a different dick, or 20. It happens.
Rob and the Rihanna-wannabe were dating for about a year or two, but now their true love is over and he let it be known on Twitter on Sunday night. In case you missed it the first time, here's a whore member of the biggest whore family in America giving ladies a lesson in self-respect:
I've got a metallic taste in my mouth and I'm really close to fainting and it's all because I overdosed on irony after reading Rob's first tweet. A Kardashian telling people to respect themselves? I mean, Kim Kardashian doesn't even know what the phrase "unprotected sex" really means. She probably thinks it means having sex without the cameras rolling. If you want to see the true definition of confusion, wave a condom at Kim's face. She doesn't know what that is!
Rob didn't stop there either. The Daily Mail points out that after a fake Rita Ora account tweeted, "Rob's dick was wack, I had to go somewhere," Rob's simple ass responded by saying he knocked her up.
I doubt Rob put a Kardashian in Rita Ora's womb. Because as soon as a Kardashian fetus starts growing in a womb, Pimp Mama Kris and photographers from Life & Style shows up in a cloud of black smoke to take pictures of the ultrasound.
And why does Rob keep going on about this? Doesn't he have a sock empire to run?! And more importantly, why am I writing about these nobody whores? ("Because it's an ongoing theme on Dlisted, see Courtney Stodden." - you "Good point." - me) Next thing you know I'll be writing a 4,000 word post on how a junkie hobo got into a fight with his own shoe in front of a Circle K in Kansas City, Missouri. Actually, I should've written that post instead of this one.
Here's Rita Whora performing at a show in Germany last week.
Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.
Michael Lohan tells Radar that he's the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she'd continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn't get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I'm sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, "Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you're gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee." This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael's pie hole this morning:
"I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she's hurt and angry! Again, it's ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children."
Before calling up Radar, Michael gave parenting advice on Twatter and I'm sure all of you parents will take that advice as soon as you finish asking Halle Berry for dating advice:
“This is for ALL parents who go or went thru the same! Please don't make the mistakes! Do you see what I mean when our children don't have BOTH parents there for them and on the same page! I have tried and tried but takes two! I have been trying for years and especially over the past two weeks but my pleas have gone unheard Children need BOTH PARENTS, not alienation”
Michael should write all of that down on a piece of paper and shove it in a bottle of Grey Goose, so Lindsay Lohan will be guaranteed to read it.
You know, it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when his name is Michael Lohan, and more importantly it's really hard to take a grown man seriously when he still keeps his cell phone in a holster strapped to his jeans. A cell phone ain't an old-timey pistol and this ain't the wild wild west. I bet Michael Lohan makes a "pew pew" sound every time he pulls his phone out. I mean...
In case you missed it on Monday night's episode of Teen Mom 2, here's the mouth breathing, meth brow-having drop of coke smegma Jenelle Evans making yet another excellent life decision. Jenelle violated probation by getting an F- on a random drug test and she was given two choices: serve around two weeks in jail or stay on probation for another year. The 20-year-old pile of garbage disposal gunk chose to sit in jail for two weeks, because she didn't want to go through another year of having to stay away from her bong (and probably because she wanted a two week vacation from her kid).
In this touching scene, Jenelle's lawyer tells her the start date for her jail sentence and she immediately barfs glitter all over that date. Jenelle can't start serving her jail sentence that day and her excuse for why she can't is probably the worst excuse ever given for anything in the history of excuse-making. Jenelle can't go to jail that day because she has to go to a Ke$hit concert! She got feathers in her hair for it! Bitch got clothes FOR the concert. You know you have successfully become a failure at life when your lawyer tells you that most of your legal troubles will be behind you if you check into jail on a certain day and these 3 trash nuggets fall out of your talk hole:
- "No, no, you don't understand. This is my idol. She's my idol and I'm never going to be able to see her again."
- "Like no one understands how important this concert is to me. It's not just a concert, it's Ke$ha. Like, it's the person. It's not 'Oh, I want to go to a random concert.' It's Ke$ha, like, my idol, the girl I watch videos on YouTube 30 times a day. I mean, I'm obsessed with this girl."
- "I know it sounds crazy, but if I have to stay on probation to see Ke$ha, it might be worth it."
That clip has to be the most effective anti-drug PSA ever. It's even making me consider breaking up with my bong.
In the end, Jenelle's dumb ass failed another random drug test and got arrested. Jenelle is currently serving 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison and it's not because she failed two drugs tests. It's because she admitted that Ke$hit is her idol.
via Too Fab
It's the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris' stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that's why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper's old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won't judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott's peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy's whores is a sin!
Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it's natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner's face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that's why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he's fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does "LD" stand for? Here's some of my guesses:
- Lord Douchebag
- Little Dick
- Loves Dingleberries
- Living Diaper
- Lucifer's Darling
- Licks DaButt
And on and on and on... I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head.
Anybody who follows comedy writer Jenny Johnson on Twitter knows that she's always throwing shit bombs at the likes of Kim Kartrashian and Chris Brown, and every now and again one of them throws shit bombs back. Yesterday afternoon, Jenny called The Difficult Brown by his official name ("worthless piece of shit") and he responded by barfing out a series of tweets that belong in a book of romantic sonnets. They are that poetic. Here's how their shit fest of words went and I put it in script form so you can perform at the PTA talent show at your kid's school:
CB: I look old as fuck! I'm only 23...
JJ: I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.
CB: take them teeth out when u Sucking my dick HOE.
JJ: It's "HO" not "HOE" you ignorant fuck.
CB: see.. I don't even have to tell u what u already know. Thanks HO! #bushpig
CB: I should fart while ur giving me top.
JJ: Your mom must be so proud of you.
CB: mom says hello... She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina,
JJ: YOU FLIRT!!! Okay. I'm done. All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to shit and fart on me. I have zero respect for a person who seems unapologetic for the terrible crime he committed and shows no signs of changing.
CB: Just ask Rihanna if she mad??????
JJ: Get some help. Seriously.
Aaaaand scene! Chris Brown hit the delete button on his Twitter account a few hours after this happened and soon as he finishes pouting so hard that his butt plug falls out of his ass, he'll be back. Jenny Johnson says that she's been getting death threats from Team Breezy on Twitter. But a death threat just isn't that scary when you know that an extra slow 12-year-old is tweeting it while sitting in the back of the detention trailer at school.
What I've learned from this mess of a Twitter fight is that Fist Brown is a charming romantic and a SCAT QUEEN. And Chris Brown doesn't need to shit in your eye to show you what it feels like for him to shit in your eye. Because every time I look at a picture of him, it feels like someone just dropped one on my retina.