Trash

Right after RiRi finished the last show on her Skanks On A Plane Tour 2012, she jumped back on a jet to see her "lover" in Berlin and yes, that lover's name starts with a Fist and ends with a Brown. In one tweet, RiRi let all of her millions of followers know that she was flying across a damn ocean to jump on a pool noodle dick belonging to a corroded asshole who almost killed her:

All alone in my big ole jet!!! See u soon lover http://instagr.am/p/SSSLqshM4a/

 During Thanksgiving dinner last night, I almost heaved chunks of corn pudding up when my little cousin just had to say that the fatty turkey skin looked like the scabs on his legs. That heave has come back to me thanks to RiRi's tweet. The Difficult Brown's dick must have cast a serious black magic spell on DiaRiRi's poon, because she's suffering from stage 4 dickmatization. Chris Brown is looking like a Sméagol crackhead and RiRi still wants to jump on that. And I'm so glad I got through this post without making a joke about how Fist Brown stuffed RiRi's turkey hole on Thanksgiving. That would've ruined my leftove... Oh, wait. Dammit!

Halle Berry, Olivier Martinez and Gabriel Aubry gave little Nahla Aubry a touching and special Thanksgiving memory this morning when all three of those crazy bitches got into a fight of words and a fight of fists. Now you won't feel so alone tonight when you're sitting in a jail cell after throwing a can of cranberries at one of your family members. Celebrities: They're just as trashy as us!

TMZ says that shit between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have been extra tense ever since a judge shut down her plans to move to France, and shit got extra EXTRA messy this morning. While dropping Nahla off at Halle's house this morning, something set Gabriel off and he brought the crazy upon Olivier Martinez. Olivier Martinez returned the crazy by issuing a serious beat down on Gabriel. TMZ puts it like this:

Gabriel showed up at Halle's doorstep with Nahla for a custodial hand-off. We're told Gabriel was inside the house when Olivier walked up to him and said, "We have to move on."

According to witnesses, Gabriel then pushed Olivier and threw a punch at his face, but Olivier blocked it and the punch struck him in the shoulder instead. We're told Gabriel then pushed Olivier to the ground, and Olivier cold-cocked him in the face, and a struggle ensued, ending with Olivier pinning Gabriel to the ground.

In the struggle, Gabriel suffered a broken rib, contusions on his face, and possibly a more serious head injury. Olivier may have broken his hand and suffered neck injuries as well.

The cops showed up and Olivier made a CITIZEN'S ARREST!! on Gabriel. Gabriel is currently in the hospital where he's being treated for bruises to his face and ego. Olivier also spent time in the same emergency room as Gabriel and he will press charges. A judge issued an emergency protective order, which means that Gabriel has to stay away from Halle, Olivier and his own daughter.

Halle can skip the turkey tonight, because she's already full on smugness and happiness. Halle is loving this. But Gabriel did this to himself. You don't mess with a French dude who squints his eyes so hard that you can't tell if he's ready to beat your ass or if he's trying to squeeze out an extremely stubborn fart bubble. Not only that, but Gabriel Aubry is a model! Why would he risk his beauty by getting into a fist fight he can't win? If Olivier challenged him to a pose off, Gabriel would've won, but not a fist fight. Dumb bitch, think of your pretty pretty face!

Here's Olivier and Halle going to a party in Beverly Hills yesterday. You can tell Olivier's in the mood to beat some ass.

RiRi's Skanks On A Plane tour has finally stopped terrorizing the skies and Hazmat and Delta's clean-up crew joined forces to scrape every layer of Barbarian flu loogies from off the floor, but as thorough as they were they forgot to dump one big bag of trash. And here's that one big Hefty bag of trash promoting her new album at Best Buy in NYC last night.

I know RiRi's style is so ahead of everything and is way too forward for any of us non-fashionable peons to understand, but this is a new level of fucking ugly. This baggy disaster of an outfit looks like Justin Bieber's pajamas. (They're extra easy to clean just in case Bieber has a middle-of-the-night accident.) If RiRi's leather shirt was white cotton and her baggy shorts were denim, that shit would look exactly like KFed's favorite eatin' outfit. Actually, if KFed knocked up a Hefty trash bag (which you know he can), this is what their trash bag love child would look like. A mess.

Hillary Clinton can cancel her trip to the Middle East, because future Secretary of State Kim Kartrashian is on her way there (sort of, not really) and will make everything better.

A few days ago, Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig got a bunch of death threats after she tweeted her support for Israel, and later Palestine, while not knowing what in the hell she was talking about. Kim is going to Kuwait and Bahrain to show her plastic face at the openings of several Millions of Milkshakes and while she's there she plans to get educumacateded on the conflict in the Middle East.

A source tells TMZ that Kim has already set up meetings with local leaders, because "she wants to be as informed as possible ... so she can use her celebrity to help those in need and raise awareness about important issues in the area."

Oh, to be a fly on Kim's ass when the local leaders try to keep her attention by acting out the history of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict using dick puppets. I mean, Kim Kuntrashian is not one to look away from dick puppets. You know, I'll give Kim a break this time. Bitch is so dumb that I'm surprised she didn't go to the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot Center to try to learn about the conflict between Israel and Palestine. ("She already did." - a cast member at the Morocco Pavilion)

Here's Kim and the slower one getting the Key to Miami at some ceremony the other day. When Kim's off trying to bring peace to the Middle East, Miami should change the locks.

Last year, the Marine Corps Ball in North Carolina got a visit from Mila Kunis, and this year they ended up with the ho stroll's ambassador Kim Kardashian. How did they go from Mila Kunis to Kim Kardashian? That means next year their celebrity guest will be the nasty ho from Flavor of Love #2 who shat on the floor.  Actually, that would be an upgrade from Kim Kardashian.

Sgt. Martin Gardner invited Kim to the Marine Corps Ball a few months ago and since she can't say no to balls (and free photo-ops), she accepted his invitation. Kim wanted it to be known that she was in the middle of shooting the CDC's documentary Contagion: Kim And Kourtney Infect Miami, but she moved her schedule around so she'd be able to fly to North Carolina. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or craugh at the fact that one of the most useless Americans was pretty much the star guest at a ball honoring some of the most important Americans. These Marines almost died just so they could eat Chicken a la King next to Ray-J's former urinal cake.

And it's all fun, games and under-the-table hand jobs until all of the Marines are diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from suffering through a Kardashian publicity stunt.

Thanks to Applebee's, Dave and Buster's, Dallas BBQ, Chevys, Red Lobster and Olive Garden, Times Square is the culinary capital of New York City and now it's the culinary capital of the world. Times Square can thank Guy Fieri (born name: Guy Ferry, which sounds like the name of John Travolta's boys, booze and blow jobs cruise) for making that happen, because that's where he opened his three-story, 500-seat gourmet emporium called Guy's American Kitchen & Bar. The New York Times reviewed Guy's latest mess of an eating place and the review is full of so much gold that I just want to slather it with donkey sauce, top it with SMC and eat it all. Let's start with the ingenious names for some of the gourmet dingles on Guy's menu:

- Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche

- Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders

- Ain’t No Thing Butta Chicken Wing

- Guy-talian Nachos

The Times' Peter Wells then went off and created a masterpiece of a review. Guy's food is just like him, it's gross, full of lard and putting your mouth on it will give you a never-ending case of the wet shits. That's what it did to Peter and he let it all out in his review. Here's just a few of his greatest hits:

- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

- When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?

- What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic? And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

- Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?

- Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?

ATMOSPHERE 500 seats, three levels, three bars, one chaotic mess.

SERVICE The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.

SOUND LEVEL Rawk and roll, but at moderate volumes.

Guy's restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That's like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you'd find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls. And donkey sauce? Sauce that goes on food shouldn't make me think of Fear Factor.

Guy's restaurant sounds the kind of place where you'd pull a bleached hair out of your food and wonder if it came from the nutsack on top of his neck or the nutsack on his crotch. As temping as that sounds, I'll pass. I'll wait until Sandra Lee opens her own restaurant. It'll be a giant tablescape and the only thing she'll serve will be an economy-sized bottle of vodka and melted Otter Pops and Lemon Fresh Clorox for mixers.

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the "house girl" of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn't tie up like a pair of sneakers, you're doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you'd get if one of Elvis' jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn't happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song - Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
Best New Act - One Direction
Best Female Act - Taylor Swift
Best Male Act - Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act - Justin Bieber
Best Live Act - Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act - Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act - David Guetta
Best Alternative Act - Lana Del Rey
Best Video - Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look - Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans - One Direction
Best Worldwide Act - Han Geng
Best World Stage - Justin Bieber
Best Push - Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon - Whitney Houston

I'm sure that's exactly what the Grammys' winners list will look like next year.

And here's some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Just a day after Hurricane Sandy took lives, drowned the subway and ate almost all of the electricity in Manhattan, Brazilian actress-model-reality-star-fame-whore-thing Nana Gouvêa took to the streets with her husband to document all of the devastation the only way she knew how: by posing on top of it. The pictures were spread everywhere, Nana became a meme and Phoebe Price's successor was found!

But in an interview with Vice, Nana says it wasn't a photo shoot, she's not a model and she wasn't posing. All of this started when the Brazilian magazine Ego (that's too perfect) called her in NYC and interviewed her about Super Storm Sandy. The interviewer from Ego then asked Nana if she could go out and take a few pictures for the story. So Nana and her husband went out to take some super serious National Geographic-like pictures for Ego. Nana says she was not posing, that's just how she naturally moves. We shouldn't blame her for the fact that her gorgeous looks are more devastating than the devastation that was around her. We shouldn't blame her for the fact that her beauty and grace upstaged the chaos.

Vice's interview with Nana is more ridiculously hilarious than her not-at-all posed pictures and I didn't think that was possible. Nana makes everything seem possible now. Here's a big piece of the interview and click over to Vice to get it all:

VICE: Hi Nana. I just wanted to talk to you a bit about the modeling shoot you did after Hurricane Sandy. Nana Gouvêa: No, it's not a modeling shoot. It was never a modelling shoot—I just took some snapshots with my husband because I was interviewed by someone in Brazil and they wanted photos. It was not a modeling shoot.

Oh, OK. What was the interview about?
The hurricane, of course. The Brazilian magazine Ego called me to interview me about the hurricane and, at the end, they asked me if I could take some pictures to send to them as imagery for the article. I'm not a model, though. I want to make that clear.

What do you do?
I'm an actress. That's my one profession. Period. I'm not a model. I was in Playboy once, but all the most beautiful and famous actresses do Playboy—that doesn't mean we're models.

Surely that means you've been a paid model, though? Even if it was only for a couple of hours, or whatever.
No, I don’t agree with you.

Fair enough. Your poses are quite model-y. They look good.
That's just how I am. There’s no posing. I'm like that every single day of my life. I was being the most natural, yet serious, as I possibly could be. You don't see me smiling or making jokes, do you? I was serious.

So the photos were intended to reflect how serious the disaster was?
Yes. I wasn't showing my legs, I wasn't showing my arms or my breasts. Was I wearing a sexy outfit? No. I didn’t have make-up on and my hair wasn't done up, or anything. It was just normal, not a photo-shoot. What a ridiculous idea.

In one photo, have you actually climbed into the tree?
Yes, I was trying to show the devastation.

Right. Have you had any bad reactions over the photos since they came out?
Yeah, because you guys in the media are saying it was a photo-shoot. This simply isn't true and I'm very, very offended. So many people were taking pictures of the devastation, so why do people say that I was trying to get some kind of advantage out of this?

No idea.
It's because you put the sex appeal on me. That’s down to you. It's the media who think I’m sexy, so they're putting that on me.

Do you think the main problem is just that you’re sexier than all the ugly people who've been in other photos?
Unfortunately, yes. People look at me and they see a beautiful woman. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, either. It's very bad and so unfair. I really hope that people stop having these preconceptions of me. Just because I'm beautiful and have loads of sex appeal, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It's not my fault that you see the pictures and you think I'm beautiful or sexy.

See! It's not Nana's fault that when she stands on a fallen tree she looks like something out of the pages of Vogue. When Nana leans up against a destroyed car, it's not her fault that she looks like the star of Barbizon's picture of the year. You have blood running through your veins, but Nana has potent sexiness running through hers. She didn't ask to be born beautiful, extremely photogenic and naturally alluring. How dare all of you! You can make this better by texting FUNANA to the Red Cross and your donation will go toward helping the plight of the sexy people.

I swear, Nana is delusional, self-absorbed and shameless. She's already one of us. Welcome to America, Nana! The Kardashians should adopt her.

BONUS: Here's Nana talking about this serious situation while looking devastatingly gorgeous and sexy.

I know I was supposed throw a picture of Donald Trump up there, but would you rather look at a picture of a charred dingle stuck on a dog's hairy asshole or would you rather look at a picture of a gold digging Slovenian flower? No, Melania Trump isn't trying to seduce you. Melania is pulled so tight that she can't open her eye holes all the way and she's always hazy in the brain from constantly inhaling the toxic hot air that Trump farts from his pie hole. Anyway...

After RuPaul told Mitt Romney to sashay away, Victoria Jackson (the crazy one, not the make-up mogul one) pulled some "SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-UH!" shit and then melted into a puddle of sad tears on the floor of her mental hospital cell. Victoria dug a grave for America next to where her career and sanity is buried. Meanwhile, Donald Trump shat out a whine-filled rant on Twitter (and deleted most of it later). Trump described the election the same way most of us describe his existence: disgusting, a travesty and a sham.

Donald Trump is like a flea bite on your taint and just like a flea bite on your taint, your mother tells you not to scratch it or give it any attention, but you do anyway. Brian Williams scratched at that flea bite on his taint last night when he read a bitch during his election night coverage on NBC. Brian said this about Trump:

“Donald Trump, who has driven well past the last exit to relevance and peered into something closer to irresponsible here, is tweeting tonight."

And of course, Brian's slap down made the mutated hacked up hairball go after him:

@bwilliams knows that I think his newscast has become totally boring so he took a shot at me last night.

The only thing more boring than @bwilliams newscast is his show Rock Center which is totally dying in the ratings—a disaster!

@bwilliams--wouldn't you love to have my ratings?

Donald Trump is only mad, because you know that all night he was sitting at his computer waiting to type "OBAMA, YOU'RE FIRED" and he got shut down. I bet the gorgeous flower Melania Trump is secretly happy that Obama won, because Trump was too busy nailing his haters to nail her. It's always a good day in America for Melania Trump when her husband isn't asking her to slurp on his soggy mini dumpling dick.

A few months ago, a woman filed a police report against Cee Lo Green claiming that he spiked her drink with MDMA and then did sex with her while she was passed out. The woman told police that she went out on a date with Cee Lo last July and he took her to a restaurant in Downtown L.A. where he bought he a drink. The woman drank the cocktail, blacked out and then woke up the next day in a strange room with no clothes on her body and Cee Lo looking at her.

TMZ says that the victim doesn't live in California, so as soon as she got home, she filed a sexual battery report with her local police department and they passed it off to the LAPD. The LAPD got the woman to "bait call" Cee Lo's ass. They hit the recording button and had her call Cee Lo. During the call, Cee Lo never said that he snuck the MDMA into the lady's drink, but he did admit giving it to her so it would make their sex times together more exciting (cut to me dry heaving on the carpet like a cat yacking up a hair ball of grossness). The LAPD didn't arrest Cee Lo right away, because he didn't say anything about having sex with her while she was passed out. The LAPD will pass the case off to the District Attorney's office as soon as they finish investigating.

Cee Lo's team is trying to spin this and make the woman look like a money-hungry liar. A source close to Cee Lo tells TMZ that before the woman went to police, she hired a civil lawyer and tried to get him to give her a little hush money from the thick roll of bills he keeps between his greasy sourdough tits. The woman went to the cops after Cee Lo refused to give her some cash.

I've never heard of people blacking out from taking MDMA and I've known some junkie ass ravers, but that shit could've been something else or he could've laced it. I mean, Cee Lo always looks like he's up to no good and you should never trust the hate child of a penguin and an Oompa Loompa who ate all of Willy Wonka's full meal chewing gum.