On the West Coast, Pimp Mama Kris handed out chocolate-covered GPS tracking chips covered to unsuspecting children who have no idea that once they eat it, she'll be able to find them at all times so she can slither into their bedrooms at night and power the dark orb in her chest by siphoning the innocence out of them. And on the East Coast, several of Pimp Mama Kris' hardest working whores whored it up at a Whoreoween party in Miami.
Kim went as Katwoman, Kanye Kardashian went as a gay fish dressed as a bat, the slow one went as Batgirl, the hanger-on one went as The Riddler, someone went as Bruce Jenner and Scott Isadick went as Robin. I like how Scott stuffed his costume pants with a silicone nutsack since PMK confiscated his real ones a long time ago.
In other news, a smog alert was issued for the Miami area and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the musty toxic stench that wafted out of Kim's ass after she was cut out of that rubber katsuit last night.
They're really slow clapping in Hell for Chris Brown tonight. Just when you think that Chris Brown is as worthless as a piece of dried dog shit stuck in the crevices on the bottom of your sneaker and can't get any shittier, he finds a way to get even shittier! Fist Brown and his pack of dick bags thought it would be really hilarious to dress up as stereotypical Arab terrorists for Halloween. Don't even bother asking WHY? Only tampon-brained toilet turds who are only capable of making crap decisions would pull some shit like this and that's exactly what Chris Brown is.
Since Chris Brown is trying to be some hard terrorist, I just have to ask: Where are SEAL Team Six when we really, really need them?
These Terminator bitches are a mess. If one of them (Arnold Schwarzenegger) isn't making every housekeeper in the Beverly Hills area cleanse her vagine with Windex (Windex really does work on everything) after letting him stick his gross Austrian schnitzel stick in there, then another one of them (Nick Stahl) is making his estranged wife put his face on a milk carton after going on another drug binge in Skid Row. And if one of them isn't going missing all the time, then another one of them (Edward Furlong) is getting into fights with his piece at LAX.
Edward Furlong was arrested at LAX early this morning for allegedly getting violent with his girlfriend. The police showed up to Terminal 2 at LAX at around 1 this morning after security called them, because Edward and his girlfriend were getting messy. Edward allegedly grabbed his girlfriend's arm so hard that he left marks. Marks on an arm equals JAIL, bitch, so they dragged Pecker off to a cell and set his bail at $50,000. Edward's latest arrest will join his public intoxication charge from 2007 and his restraining order violation charge from 2011 on his police record.
Causing a scene at the airport is the definition of a dumb bitch move. Don't get crazy in an airport, because they're just looking for a reason to tase you, tackle you to the ground and drag you off to that locked room near the TSA checkpoint. Edward Furlong is a dim dumb douchebag. If Edward and his girlfriend were on Couples Therapy, that Couples Therapy lady would tell them that they should obviously break up, because the girlfriend deserves a man who won't treat her like trash in the middle of an airport and Edward deserves a girlfriend who won't accidentally shit and piss out the white balloons he made her shove up into her body during their quick trip to Peru. Really, Edward should look up the name "Dina Lohan" on Match.com
via The L.A. Times
Note to celebwhores who sell their wedding pictures for hundreds of thousands of dollars to the likes of People Magazine: You're tacky, you're trashy and you're doing it wrong. Learn from Levi Johnston who really knows how to do it. Nothing says tact and class like selling your wedding pictures to the highly-respectable news show Inside Edition for a 16 oz. can of Miller Lite High Life, a box of bullets and a carton of Winstons. There's truly something special about your wedding pictures being shown between a story about the 600-pound woman and a baby-cleaning dog.
Yesterday in Wasilla, the unpoppable pimple on the Palin Family's b-hole, Levi Johnston, became someone's husband for the first time when he married Sunny Ogelsby, the mother to his one-month old daughter Breeze Beretta. Levi Johnston, Sunny Ogelsby, Breeze Beretta.... THOSE PEOPLES' NAMES! I guess Wasilla really is the meth capital of Alaska, because Levi's parents, Sunny's parents and Breeze's parents were all on the wrong stuff when their names were chosen. Those don't sound like real-life names. Those sound like the names of characters in a 1970s car chase movie. They should be played by Burt Reynolds, Audrey Landers and Susan Anton, respectively.
Sadly for Levi, his first born, Tripp, wasn't there to say, "Congratulations, faggot!", because Bristol Palin is a bitch who likes to play games. Levi wanted Tripp to be the ring bearer, but Bristol wouldn't let him. Well, there's always next time and there will be a next time, because this isn't Levi's last marriage. Levi was meant to be the dead beat, piece of trash ex-husband to dozens of women.
And in that picture above, as her parents breathe on each other, Breeze Beretta is looking out into the distance and dreaming of the day she'll be able to crawl far away from those two dumb bitches.
This Dumb Trick: Lindsay Lohan Will Stop Hurricane Sally (Or Whatever That Ho's Name Is) With The Power Of Prayer!
Hundreds of thousands of people have been told to evacuate, an 11-foot wall of water is supposed to crash into Manhattan and millions of people are furiously searching the Internet while they still can for ways to make a satellite dish and TV out of tin foil and fish bones (because they can't miss American Horror Story on Wednesday night, DUH), but Lindsay Lohan wants everyone to stop bitching and crying about Hurricane Sally Jessy Raphael. (Don't hate Blohan for not remembering Sandy's name. You know how bad crackheads are at remembering anything.)
Right before LiLo, whose brain was destroyed a long time ago by Hurricane Cokey, begged Lady CaCa to pay attention to her, she told all of her followers to stop being so dramatic and use positive thinking to ward the hurricane away. I can see it now. There's LiLo, wasted out of her mind, sitting on her living room floor and rambling to the walls about how we can make the storm go away if we just THINK it away.
Hurricane Sandy is obviously a coked up, drunk mess herself, and Lindsay Lohan is made up entirely of vodka and coke granules, so can't we just tie her to the top of the Empire State Building as an offering to the storm? That's me thinking positively.
(Thanks to Deb and Jardley for sending this mess in)
Carrying her urine sample for a chlamydia test, Kim Kartrashian showed up to Midori's Halloween party in NYC last night dressed up like a rotten fish that needs to be thrown back into the sea. That green skull is reacting the same way I react when I see that Kim has suffocated her Mount Doom ass under ten layers of Spanx and sparkly scales that match the sparkly scales on Gay Fish's dirt star. Kim used a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag blond wig from a discount Halloween store to make her plastic face look even more like a Scream mask that was dipped in lead-based bronze paint. Bitch's face is making a stop off in Giuliana Rancic-ville before it goes full Wildenstein.
Apparently, Kim is supposed to be Daryl Hannah in Splash. This makes sense, because in the Director's Cut of Splash, while Darryl Hannah is lying in bath tub, Tom Hanks comes in and pisses all over her tail.
Gay Fish is supposed to be some kind of boat captain, but fool looks more like a Kennedy on Labor Day (shading Taylor Swift?) or like Blaine from Glee or an assistant manager at a Talbots outlet. Kim and Kanye obviously went with a theme this year. The theme being that they both look like cold shit.
Lainey Gossip had a blind item yesterday about how some friends of a multi-millionaire celebrity couple played a very touching gift at their reception. The friends got together and asked various homeless people, drug addicts, street musicians and transsexuals around Los Angeles to wish the multi-millionaire celebrity couple a very happy wedding and to express their sadness about not being able to make the trip to the $6.5 million wedding in Italy. Well, today Gawker has the answer to that blind item. It's TimberBiel!
Justin Timberlake's real estate agent friend Justin Huchel (who looks like this) played the over 8 minute-long video at the wedding. Gawker has a piece of it. Gawker says that a lot of the people in the video are obviously homeless and obviously hooked on the wrong stuff, because they're slurring and barely coherent (aka me if I had to sit through Justin and Jessica's wedding). Gawker went on to say this:
The 8:30 video was premised on the idea that they were friends of Timberlake and Biel’s who, for whatever reason, couldn’t quite swing the trip to the Borgo Egnazia resort in Puglia for the nuptials, which were reported to cost $6.5 million. ‘Greetings from Your Hollywood Friends Who Just Couldn’t Make It,’ reads the opening title card, ‘Featuring Sid, Chuck, Robert, and More!’ Sid, Chuck, Robert, and others appear to be penniless and living on the street. Some of them are obviously intoxicated, mentally ill, or both, and at least one of them is entirely incapable of speaking
Another glassy-eyed apparently homeless man woozily tells the camera, in a lengthy and rambling monologue, "Jeez I miss you so much. I wish I could be there." ("There" being the $1,000-plus a night Italian resort hanging out with guests like Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. "Here" being behind what looks like a McDonald's.) Others mumble unintelligibly in response to questions about when they last hung out with Timberlake and Biel. When one shirtless man says he saw them at the L.A. Coliseum, the male voice asks, "were you performing with them?"
So there was Jessica, Justin and their rich friends, covered in diamonds and laughing at the vagrants as they sipped $3,000-a-bottle champagne that was cut with blended $100 bills and sapphire dust. They laughed laughed laughed! That's some depression era shit. When Gawker asked Justin Huchel for a comment, Justin Huchel's lawyer commented with a letter threatening to sue if a piece of the video, which was supposed to be a joke, saw the light of the internet.
I'm sure TimberBiel will donate their entire $300,000 from People to a homeless shelter in L.A. I'm sure.
But seriously, what low-life pieces of tacky trash for laughing at barely coherent, toothless messes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
Donald Trump dropped his huge bombshell that was supposed to send the election off the rails, and as expected, it's about as explosive as a flea's follow-up queef. Trump didn't say that Obama's nose swallowed the Lohan powder during his college days. Trump didn't say that the Obamas almost got divorced one time a million years ago. Trump's huge announcement is that he'll write a $5 million check to Obama's charity of choice if the president releases all of his college records, applications and passport stuff. I need that $5 million so I can build a time machine and go back to the 80s to kick my young self in the face for buying the Trump board game at a garage sale.
Obama has until 5pm on Halloween to hand over all those stupid documents or Donald Trump is ripping up that $5 million check. Can the entire $5 million go to the FDTTACSSCOHBEF (Feed Donald Trump To Ann Coulter So She Chokes On His Bloated Ego Foundation), because I might chip in a few coins if it can. This greasy cheese bubble-looking twat.
You shouldn't even bother listening to what that talking merkin has to say. Just watch this video of a fox eating and burying marshmallows instead:
This fox would never EVER blackmail a president.... unless that president had 5 million bags of marshmallows and then he might.
Bobby Brown was arrested on March 26, 2012 for being a drunk driving mess, and so he celebrated the 7 month anniversary of his last DUI a little early by getting another DUI this morning. HAPPY SEMI-ANNUAL DUI, Bobby B!
TMZ says that around 1 this morning in L.A., police noticed that Bobby Brown's car was swerving and sliding all over the street. Bitch's car was doing the Every Little Step dance. They pulled Bobby over and when the police walked up to his window, they knew what it felt like to toss White Oprah's salad as she lets out a fart. The inside of Bobby's car smelled like sad desperation wrapped in a cloud of whiskey fumes and Pall Mall smoke.
Bobby agreed to do a sobriety test and he got an F. Bobby became one with a pair of handcuffs, was taken to the station and posed for his 500th mug shot. Bobby hasn't bailed out yet.
See, here's a good reason for why Bobby should try to build a strong and trusting relationship with his daughter Bobbi Kristina. Bobbi Kristina is supposedly sober right now and what stupid Bobby really needs is a designated driver who will drive him around while he gets boozed all the way up in the passenger seat. If I ever have kids, I'm going to try to be as nice to them as possible, but only because in 20 years I don't want them to hang up on my face when I call them to pick my drunk ass up from the bar.
With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ's sources (fun fact: "One of TMZ's sources" is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo's entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she's eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian's pussy eats black dick and she's drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day ("What's wrong with that?" says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn't finish all of the second bottle? For shame.
Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo's manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn't happen. But since that intervention didn't happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody's father, but that's not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he's going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog's dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he's asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo's mom/wallet leech White Oprah.
Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.
Michael Lohan's brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter's name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.
And here's LiLo looking like Julie Cooper's mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.