You're probably sitting in your cubicle, staring at dozens of unanswered mails, wishing that you had the power of Jesus to turn that cup of coffee into a wine cooler and thinking that there's no way this Monday can get any Monday-ier. Oh, but it can. This week's Monday is one hundred percent grosser thanks to this picture of Pimp Mama Kris letting her pimp nip slip out on Instragram (click here if you hate your eyes and want to see the uncensored version). Sometimes, a pimp has to remind her whores that they ain't the only ones who can purposefully flash the parts a plastic surgeon gave them for some quick attention.
This past weekend, Lucifer's Employee of the Year Pimp Mama Kris celebrated Whore-o-ween way too early by posting this picture for her Twitter followers, which she hates obviously, and showed them the tit knob that Bruce Jenner licks his Activia off of. PMK quickly deleted the soul-killing picture of her as Wonder Pimp, but Khloe Kardashian reposted it, because it's better to let your hos do your dirty work for you. So now Lynda Carter knows why she sleep walked into a shallow grave and laid down in it before rolling around.
And since we're on the subject of mom nips gone wild, here's someone's mother showing Pimp Mama Kris how it's really done. Put on one of your son's t-shirts, let them titty balls hang out and bounce a fart up into the sky as your child raps about your donk. NSFW, obviously.
Mother AND Donker of the Year!
via Hollywood Life
Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to work the other day and most of us snorted out a "meh," because the empty Jack Daniels bottle in her head doesn't have a grasp on time even though she has all those stolen watches lying around her house. But LiLo blowing off her job (no "Her Job" is not her nickname's dealer) worried Michael Lohan so much that he tried to stage an intervention today. Michael obviously didn't get the message that he's dead to LiLo as the sense of feeling is dead to White Oprah's nostrils.
TMZ says that Michael Lohan and his band of Captain Save-A-Hos knocked on the door of LiLo's house in Beverly Hills today, because he thinks she's on the bad shit again and wants to get her into Betty Ford. Some dude claiming to be LiLo's boyfriend (who looks like this) answered the door and told all of them to go away. When Michael refused to crawl back up into his ass, LiLo called the cops to report a trespasser. You think that by now, every police department in the country would forward every call from a Lohan to The National We Don't Give Two Effs Hotline, but they don't. The cops showed up and told Michael to go away. But before he went away, Michael called up Radar to say this:
"Lindsay needs help. She's around all the wrong people. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. She has to get better. I'm not going to watch my daughter die. A lot of people tried to stage the intervention with me. She is dating a guy named Josh Chunn and he told me, 'I feel the same way you do. I can't take it. They're destroying her life. Lindsay called the cops for trespassing but they opened the gates for us to come up… When we were leaving she threw Josh out and we picked him up in the car and he spilled the beans about everything she is doing. Her whole team has had it with her. All of them want to her to get treatment. I will keep putting pressure on her like I did before until she gets help. She is not going to get better without help and she needs treatment and help now."
Oh yes, Michael Lohan cares about Lindsay Lohan so much that he calls TMZ and Radar to tell them how much he cares about Lindsay Lohan. Caring fathers do that. I think what Michael Lohan meant to say was, "I don't want my daughter to die, because then who's go to pay the rent on my condo?!"
Aren't these Lohans exhausted from the non-stop messy, messy drama? They don't even take one day of rest from the foolery. This is what happens when everybody in a family doesn't have a job. They go to each other's houses in the middle of the day to fight. They go to the clubs together on a weeknight to fight. People with jobs ain't got time for that (copyright: Sweet Brown).
And you know who really needs an intervention? ME! I need an intervention for posting about the Lohans every damn day. Since LiLo isn't going to Betty Ford, can I take her place?
TMZ says that Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas early this morning and it wasn't for assaulting retinas by looking like a Sméagol crackhead. Flavor Flav was put into handcuffs for whooping on his fiancee before pulling a knife on her teenage son. Suddenly, Gitte Nielsen doesn't feel bad about doing the Given Up On Life Waltz by rolling around in the grass with a bottle of Popov vodka in her hand.
When the cops showed up to Foofy Foofy's house, his fiancee told them that they all got into a fight which ended with New York's former fuck partner beating her ass and threatening to cut up her son with a knife. Foofy was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and felony assault with a deadly weapon. Foofy was held on $23,000 bail and he later bailed out, but was immediately transported to the local Hazmat facility where they flea dipped him in a quarantine tent.
You know, I don't remember "get your ass beat" as being one of the prizes for winning Flavor of Love.
And now I need to pull out my eyeballs with pliers and soak them in some Lubriderm, because that dreadful ass mug shot has dried me out. It looks like he's been rimming a pile of ashes. Bitch should be kept in jail for that alone.
You probably can't tell that's Kim Kardashian's ass since it doesn't have a black peen all up in it, but that's Kim Kardashian's ass. "Yes, I'll have an order of the piss-glazed rump roast with a side of cold whore topped with gay sardines" is probably what every diner at Prime 112 in Miami ordered last night when they watched a panty-less Kim stroll in with Kanye West.
Ever since Kanye took over as Kim's head stylist, he's really done his best to make her look like it takes several master sausage casers, a half a dozen pig wranglers, a herd of tugboats and a hundred tubs of mantequilla to get her dressed. The hell is she wearing? A better question is, who the hell does she think she is? Bitch, the year is not 1992 and next to "occupation" on your tax return, you can't write: a member of En Vogue. So give it up, turn it loose!
Speaking of turning it loose, Reggie Bush and his knocked up piece had dinner at a restaurant right next to Prime 112 at the same time Kim and Kanye were making a dining room full of people get the heaves from being exposed to that much smugness. So when Kim and Kanye came out, one of the paps asked her if she wanted to congratulate Reggie for putting a fetus in a trick. That made Kanye bust into one of his theatrical bitch meltdowns and he grabbed at the pap's camera.
Meanwhile, Kim smiled the whole time, because: a) She was getting more attention and; b) Bitch was extra light in the head (and that's saying a lot), because her skirt was on so damn tight.
White Oprah recently told the NYDN that she never EVER parties with her daughter, which is why she partied with her daughter in NYC early this morning. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah left the Electric Room at the Dream Hotel at around 4 and were driving back to Long Island when they started yelling at each other in the car. When they got to White Oprah's Long Island crack den, they started doing what most cracked out, drunken daughters do with their cracked out, drunken mother: they brawled! To quote the poet Aviva Drescher from The Real Housewives of NYC: "You're both white trash, quite frankly!"
Who ever called 911 (SPOILER ALERT: their family dealer) told the operator that LiLo had a cut on her leg and White Oprah broke one of her bracelets during their fight. The caller also told the operator that White Oprah and the driver kept LiLo in the car against her own will. The cops thanked both LiLo and White Oprah for keeping them in business and then took a domestic incident report, but didn't arrest anybody.
These low-rent, gutter slime hags really think they're Christina and Joan Crawford:
Try again, whores! LiLo and White Oprah could never bring it like Christina and Joan.
But seriously, this is just sad. It's a tragic day when a ho turns on her pimp over the last bump in an 8-ball. Especially since if it wasn't for the pimp teaching the ho how to give a sloppy beej in a club bathroom for an 8-ball, they wouldn't have that 8-ball in the first place! It hurts me thinking about how White Oprah broke a glass bong on the wall to cut a bitch up. That was a Lohan family heirloom. Oh, White Oprah, if you want to win the Pimp of the Year Award at the Players Ball this year, get your ho in check!
UPDATE: Some source tells Radar that White Oprah and LiLo got into a tussle over money. LiLo gave White Oprah $40,000 after partying in the club and during their road home she decided she wanted it back. Well, well, well... I see that the ho is getting bold and didn't want to give her pimp a cut of the pussy peddling money she made.
Kim Kardashian is still legally married to Amoukar from Quest For Fire and she just barely had her diamond wedding ring turned into hers and hers anal lips rings for her and Kanye Kardashian (nee West), but she's already thinking about how she wants to keep fisting the sanctity marriage in the butt without lube. Tatler Magazine (via Zap2it) committed a blasphemous sin and THE QUEEN should order for all of their heads on a Dixie paper plate, because they interviewed Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig for the same issue that Prince Hot Ginge is on the cover of. That's like opening an Almond Roca and finding a piece of dried caca inside. I hate them for that, but I hate myself more for copy + pasting what came out of Kim's talk hole about her next wedding and Kanye:
"It had always been my dream to have a big wedding, and when people said that I'd made it over the top for the show, that was just me: I am over the top. But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that's it.
He's been there through so many different stages of my life and before I was famous, so this relationship is a different thing entirely. It's good to be aware that he definitely doesn't want anything from me too, because he understands the business. I can't even think about being with anyone else than the man I'm with."
"...with just my friends and family and three crews from E! and the dozens of vendors who are giving me free crap to whore out on my stupid piece of trash and Life & Style Magazine and the paparazzi and officials from the Illuminati who will be there to punch my 'Marry 5 Times for No Reason, Get 1 Free Bottle In The VIP Section In Hell' card." This trash heap heffa is the last bitch on this planet who should get married, but who am I to stand in the way of fame whore love? If Kim wants to make Kanye a wife on an island somewhere, E! should make her dreams come true by booking her on Oceanic Flight 815. I know, that was wrong of me. Even the Smoke Monster doesn't deserve to be around trash like that.
Here's Kim strolling around Miami the other day in an orange bed sheet. Just like me after reading about Kim's love for Gay Fish, her tits are sullen, over it and slowly falling to the floor out of boredom.
Nick Hogan's dumbassery behind the wheel left a man with permanent brain damage, so you'd think that Linda Hogan would know that speeding after taking antibiotics with a champagne chaser isn't a good idea. But well, extreme exposure to UV rays from a tanning bed caused Linda's brain to melt and drip out of her ears, so she sucks at making good decisions. TMZ says that Linda was pulled over in Malibu yesterday for speeding and after she blew an 0.084 (0.08 is the legal limit in CA), she was arrested. This is Linda's mug shot of glamour and those matchstick brows are as tragic as that halter top from Rainbow.
53-year-old Linda sat in a cell for a few hours before she was released on $5,000 bail. Linda's rep (yeah, she has one of those) says that she only had one glass of champagne, but since she's on antibiotics and didn't eat anything, it made her hazier than usual if you can imagine that.
Linda's rep should've just kept it simple and said, "Stupid scrag is a Hogan. What do you expect?"
This week, the Hogans really are reminding us that the Lohans are amateurs, because they're America's first family of trash, always and forever. First, Hulk Hogan made my b-hole poot out a question mark by waving his Hickory Farms dick around in a sex tape. Then Linda Hogan's dumb ass goes and does this. What's next? Brooke Hogan is going to put out another album? Oh shit. I shouldn't have said thing. I think I've awoken the beast of Castle Grayskull.
Like something out of the worst episode of Taxicab Confessions, a drunk Chris Brown mumbles in a video he tweeted to his followers that he's not trying to be a player or a dog and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's in love with both RiRi and Karrstablewatercrackers (or whatever her name is). If Chris Brown really didn't want to hurt them, he should down an Ambien and take a long nap on railroad tracks or have his fightin' limbs surgically replaced with extra plush teddy bears.
Never mind that Chris is looking like a tattooed Day of the Dead skeleton on meth, what gets me is that this isn't just some rambling video diary he recorded on his webcam at 4 in the morning. This took some production. They brought out storyboards, had meetings in conference rooms and spent time editing this mess. Professionals probably worked on this crap. Not once did the editor stop, realize what they were doing and then rolled their office chair out of the editing room and kept on rolling, rolling, rolling until they were out the exit door. This is some "True Life: I'm A Colossal Piece Of Trash" shit that'll make you roll backwards until you're far, far away.
And of course, RiRi piped in yesterday too:
Yes, it's nobody's bidness besides you, your baby and your 26 million Twitter followers. Ugh. Will somebody please take away this dumb dumb's medical marijuana card and give it to me?
"Daaaaaaahling, that bleak Fraggle wants to shoot me up..." is what Mimi cooed into her ivory princess telephone while talking to Barbara Walters this morning and Barbara Walters repeated it on The View. American Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe denied away to TMZ that Nicki Minaj threatened to put a bullet in Mimi after their tussle of words during judging, but Mimi told Barbara that rumor is true.
Mimi told Barbara that several Idol crew members told her that seconds after the fight, Nicki said, "If I had a gun, I would shoot this bitch," while walking off set. Mimi doesn't feel comfortable emotionally or physically, so she's commissioned a bedazzled bullet-proof vest, is having bullet-stopping weave tracks put in and has hired more bodyguards. Okay, only the last part is true. According to Mimi, after the fight, Nicki hugged her, said she loved her and said they'd probably fight again. Mimi told Nicki that they will not be fighting again, but the butterfly unicornie princess better brace herself, because they will be fighting again.
Nicki is losing her mind all over her Twatter and is going after Mimi, Barbara and everybody else. Bitch is furiously stabbing at her laptop keys and is only stopping to tase a Hello Kitty doll and munch on a lamb burger. Here's just a few of Nicki's insane tweets:
Ironically no camera or mic heard the gun comment tho. Lol @ the struggle. Not even the producers believed u. Say no to violence barbz.
Barbara walters didn't reach out from our team barbz. I guess we're too dangerous. Don't shake if u don't wannA get shook!!!! LmAooooooooooo
I don't call tmz n Barbara Walters cuz I stand on my own two feet. Never needed an army. God is good. Insecurity is as cruel as the grave.
I guess it hurts 2 have the producers tell u to ur face that nicki is the best judge we've had since simon. Awww, poor u. Keep them lies cmn
I thought we resolved it yesterday but I see u want ur pity party to continue. So I'm bout to po dot tea.
All I do is compliment u. That's not enuff? Ur a legend, cheer up. U don't have to run down ur resume or feel intimidated. Shady McGrady...
Mimi is a shady drama queen for getting a lispy ole' lady to do her dirty work and Nicki is a shady piece of trash for thinking this is some Biggie vs. Tupac shit. Nicki is just barking just to bark. But stunt or not, I still want to hear the voicemail Nigel left Simon Cowell of him sloppily jacking off to all the attention American Idol is getting.
Congratulations. You don't need to do any cardio today, because I'm sure that as you scrolled down you burned calories from your eyeballs getting bigger, bigger and bigger before landing on the whorrifying image of Kim Kartrashian's hips and crotch looking like a bag of marshmallows blowing up in a microwave set to high. 911 operators in Miami were flooded with calls yesterday from terrified citizens who spotted a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Whore terrorizing the beaches. "I think it just ate a seagull with its ass!" is probably what one citizen will scream on a 911 tape that TMZ will post any minute now I'm sure.
While shooting scenes for Kim & Kourtney Infect Miami, Kim and the slow one made the innocent children scream themselves into old age by stepping outside yesterday. It's a good thing for Kim that her insides are filled with nothing but the coagulated blood of Lucifer, silicone, enough NBA jizz to start her own dream team and bronzer, because if she had human bones, that gold belt would've cracked one of her ribs in two.
I swear, Kanye West must be the Secretary of Defense for the Illuminati, because he's slowly destroying the eyeballs of humanity by turning Kim into a fugly-dressed missile of destruction.