Zooey Deschanel

......and it's going to star Zooey Deschanel as Loretta Lynn. I'll wait here while you ask Siri, "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

At a show at the Grand Ole Opry in 1979, Loretta brought Sissy Spacek onstage and announced she handpicked Sissy to play her in the Coal Miner's Daughter. Loretta did the same thing for Zooey at the Ryman Auditorium last night. According to Playbill, Loretta told the audience:

“It’s a long way from Butcher Holler to Broadway in New York City. I never imagined I’d see 'Coal Miner’s Daughter' on a movie screen, and now I can’t believe it’s going to be on a stage for people to see,” said Lynn. “I’m going to be right there in the front row. And I know Zooey is going to be great – she sings and writes her own songs just like I do, and we even have the same color eyes!”

The show has a star, a website and producers, but it doesn't have writers or a director, so it might not even happen. Yeah, I'd rather Loretta Lynn play Loretta Lynn on Broadway (yes, she still can) than a come-to-life Holly Hobbie doll who is too damn lazy to look outside her window to see if it's raining, but I don't have any feelings either way about this. But mostly that's because the only feeling I'm feeling right now is queasiness. It isn't from this news, it's from eating a multi-vitamin with my lunch. See, I try to do something healthy and my body rejects it! I bet this wouldn't have happened if I ate a donut with my lunch. Fuck vitamins!

Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.

It seems like every month some magazine is stripping the coats of lacquer off of the faces of celebrities and semi-celebrities to show regular women that these famous hos look just like you in their natural states, and this time it was People's turn. People (via Jezebel & Buzzfeed) gave the face painter the day off and took pictures of Zooey Deschanel, Paris Jackson (below), Megan Draper from Mad Men (below), Lily Collins (below), Sandra Lee (I need that picture on my eyeballs NOW), Rose Byrne, Paula Patton and Julie Bowen. The SANS FARDS portrait everyone is talking about is Zooey Deschanel's, because most of us didn't think it was possible for her to remove the doll lashes or scrub away the pink rouge that is splattered on her cheeks to look like somebody pinched her for being so adorkable. Zooey kind of looks like she just got up from her 4th hangover nap of the day. It's kind of weird seeing Zooey look like a grown woman and not like a Kewpie Doll in a brown Holly Hobbie wig.

And Paris Jackson, really? Not only is Michael Jackson moonwalking in his grave (bitch don't roll) over his daughter being photographed without a butterfly mask on her face, but of course she looks SANS FARDS. She's 14! Paris will give us National Geographic cover realness with or without a face full of MAC.